I have found a new height of depression.

I didnt mean to. And now i'm so upset. Basically, things have been going poorly. terrified all the time, worried constantly. Ive spent the last year having panic attacks...

Partway through my day, i started getting an especially bad wave of depression, the kind I get when I realize that my sensory disorder will never stop turning all physical sensation into pain (Yes it means exactly what it sounds like.)

This has always left me completely sad, for obvious reasons...But this is beyond that. I had one panic attack yesterday, before the sadness came...And none since.

I am literally so depressed and sad that my panic attacks cant penetrate. I spend more than half of most days panicking massively. I didnt think anything could be more disturbing, but their sudden absence in time with my extreme emotional pain finally did it.

I heard something silly once, I dont know if it has merit in this case. That I had trapped myself. Long ago, in the before times, I was depressed and suicidal. And then I decided, wait, I dont want to be dead, I just want to be happy. And it was at that point that I stop considering suicide as anything resembling a real choice. It doesnt cross my radar anymore, except during brief bouts of "HOLY #*(@" pain, but then its as fleeting as the pain is and is discarded without a second thought.

So did I accidently back myselfi nto a corner? My opinion hasnt changed on it but..Well i'm just trying to find anything, ANYTHING, to explain this feeling. Because it is literally terrifying me that I didnt have panic attacks. I'm not paniced, I'm truly frightened. I spend most of my time convinced im about to die, so now tha **** not there and just sadness its..

Well its disturbing, I dont know. This was a weird question and I cant think of a way to end it. I am in rather a huge amount of distress. If anyone has any...Thing to say about any of that it would be greatly appreciated. I dont like being lucid and terrified at the same time.

The only other thing I could say is what is spinning thoruhg my head. "I dont want to be alone" "I dont want to die alone." "I iwant someone to touch me, but it will only cause pain*."

* = Real physical pain, as in, something is wrong with my skin or nervouos system that makes all physical contact painful without exception and has always been this way.


Any help or..anything..would be appreciated immensely.

[long_days]

I can't imagine what you are going through, have you been to the dr for the pain issue, like a nerve problem? The depression and then lack of panic attacks happened to me a few months ago. I found out a bit ago that my high energy at work was a day long panic attack, bad....but then I lost all that energy. The sadness is crushing. Have you tried different meds, for the depression and before for the anxiety? Its worth a try.