Aa
I need advise, please help.
I don't really know if I should be posting this here. I think I am suffering from depression, but I am not sure. I am sorry for posting my story here. It's just that I don't know who else I should ask for advise.
I am plump and i have always been made fun since young. Thus, i have no self-esteem and i feel that people are embarrassed of me. Recently, i have just transferred school from a local school into an international school and I have trouble making proper friends.. The others that had transferred into the same school aren't facing the same problems... They easily slipped into the cliques and they are all really close friends.. I tell myself that most of them knew each other last time so it is easier, but i know it is just an excuse to myself... There are others that has transferred not knowing anybody just like me and already has a group of friends to hang out with.. I have been here for 5 months already and i have no close friends, and no one to hang out with for breaks. During project works, I am the one with no partner and when people pick groups, i am the one that no one wants and i am picked last.… I was forced on them. People say that I should just be open, approach others, be who i am, blahblah. But I can't do it.. I tried... I am a person that really cares about what other people thinks of me and even tho i dont like people judging me, truthfully, i judge others.. I am picky.. I am trying to change but sometimes, i can't help not liking other people. Luckily, i hide it, but i dont like thinking this way. I am actually okay being by myself during breaks, but i don't like having others think of me as a loner or desperate.
In my old school, i used to have this group of friends (4 people including me) to hang out with so it was easier to handle things.. When i told my sister that i have no friends in my current school, she told me to just make friend like how i did in my previous school. The thing is that in my old school, I knew this one person so i could hang out with and then as time go by, i found my clique. The people there all came from different schools so they were all new and had no groups of friend. We used to do everything together, go lunch, watch movies. There was a girl in it that was my best friend and we were really close. We even SMS every single day, every single hour.. We even went home together. The thing that bonded us was that we both watched anime. We always talked about it. Now, after I changed school, We don't even talk much... We would still SMS but like for 5 minute every week... She found another girl in my old school to talk about anime... I am jealous, and i really didnt know how weak our friendship was... My other 2 friends like my best friend more than me... I never SMS them alot.. we used to talk in school, so there really no one to talk to anymore. I have thought about SMSing some of my other friends in my old school, but the others will be upset... Around 2 months ago, i was invited to watch a movie, and my best friend was angry that i went when she was not invited her. She is a great friend, but she gets angry easily, and I am losing her now because she found someone else.
One more thing is that i come from a "perfect" family.. Both my sisters are super smart(one of them scored the highest in her grade for O levels), thin and really really pretty. They are nice to me and even quite close... My parent both earn quite well and are responsible.. My family in fact are fun to be with.. I am the only odd one out. I am severely overweight, I cant fit into clothes, I am ugly, I am depressed and I can't score As for my subject. There is no "reason" for me to become like that.. I don't' trust my family, I don't really like them too. So, I will NEVER EVER ask them for help. Even tho they are my family, I dont want them anywhere near me or helping my emotional problems.
One last thing is that I do things for people becos I dont dare to say "No" becos I am scared they don't like me. I know I can't please everyone, but I am REALLY REALLY scared. I hate people pushing me around too. I don't know what to do.
I have considered committing suicide, but i am too scared. I am not afraid of dying (In fact I think dying is something we all have to go through. We don't know what will happen next, so there is not much to fear), I am afraid of what happen if i fail to die.
I am plump and i have always been made fun since young. Thus, i have no self-esteem and i feel that people are embarrassed of me. Recently, i have just transferred school from a local school into an international school and I have trouble making proper friends.. The others that had transferred into the same school aren't facing the same problems... They easily slipped into the cliques and they are all really close friends.. I tell myself that most of them knew each other last time so it is easier, but i know it is just an excuse to myself... There are others that has transferred not knowing anybody just like me and already has a group of friends to hang out with.. I have been here for 5 months already and i have no close friends, and no one to hang out with for breaks. During project works, I am the one with no partner and when people pick groups, i am the one that no one wants and i am picked last.… I was forced on them. People say that I should just be open, approach others, be who i am, blahblah. But I can't do it.. I tried... I am a person that really cares about what other people thinks of me and even tho i dont like people judging me, truthfully, i judge others.. I am picky.. I am trying to change but sometimes, i can't help not liking other people. Luckily, i hide it, but i dont like thinking this way. I am actually okay being by myself during breaks, but i don't like having others think of me as a loner or desperate.
In my old school, i used to have this group of friends (4 people including me) to hang out with so it was easier to handle things.. When i told my sister that i have no friends in my current school, she told me to just make friend like how i did in my previous school. The thing is that in my old school, I knew this one person so i could hang out with and then as time go by, i found my clique. The people there all came from different schools so they were all new and had no groups of friend. We used to do everything together, go lunch, watch movies. There was a girl in it that was my best friend and we were really close. We even SMS every single day, every single hour.. We even went home together. The thing that bonded us was that we both watched anime. We always talked about it. Now, after I changed school, We don't even talk much... We would still SMS but like for 5 minute every week... She found another girl in my old school to talk about anime... I am jealous, and i really didnt know how weak our friendship was... My other 2 friends like my best friend more than me... I never SMS them alot.. we used to talk in school, so there really no one to talk to anymore. I have thought about SMSing some of my other friends in my old school, but the others will be upset... Around 2 months ago, i was invited to watch a movie, and my best friend was angry that i went when she was not invited her. She is a great friend, but she gets angry easily, and I am losing her now because she found someone else.
One more thing is that i come from a "perfect" family.. Both my sisters are super smart(one of them scored the highest in her grade for O levels), thin and really really pretty. They are nice to me and even quite close... My parent both earn quite well and are responsible.. My family in fact are fun to be with.. I am the only odd one out. I am severely overweight, I cant fit into clothes, I am ugly, I am depressed and I can't score As for my subject. There is no "reason" for me to become like that.. I don't' trust my family, I don't really like them too. So, I will NEVER EVER ask them for help. Even tho they are my family, I dont want them anywhere near me or helping my emotional problems.
One last thing is that I do things for people becos I dont dare to say "No" becos I am scared they don't like me. I know I can't please everyone, but I am REALLY REALLY scared. I hate people pushing me around too. I don't know what to do.
I have considered committing suicide, but i am too scared. I am not afraid of dying (In fact I think dying is something we all have to go through. We don't know what will happen next, so there is not much to fear), I am afraid of what happen if i fail to die.
Today was my first day of school after the Summer break... The first day wasn't bad and I have decided to join Guitar.. Thank you for your advise. I hope I make some good friends and I feel that perhaps I maybe able to enjoy school in the future (late future, like maybe 5 months later) But yeah... Thank you...
Hey.. Reading your reply really made me feel better. After a thinking for a long while, i wanted to change... And I decided to lose weight. However, I don't think I should go on a diet without proper knowledge. So, I decided to ask for professional help. My sister's friend found a place and she lose weight so I decided to try that place out. It took me one really alot of courage to tell my parents that I wanted to lose weight. They were okay, not excited or sad or anything... After a few days of continuous reminder, my father finally help me call the clinic. However, they rejected me as I am too overweight... I have to lose 40Kg...(I am extremely overweight) They told me to go to visit a hospital instead... I mean that is okay. But hearing it come out from my dads mouth, knowing that he know i am this pathetic... I feel so... i don't know if it is embarrassed, angry, frustration or helplessness... Its like all mashed up.. I just wanted to stop, don't bother continuing and just give up so that nobody will see me like this and so that i won't feel like this anymore. But, I know I need to do it now, or I will just keep running away. But, this feeling that I am feeling is just killing me.. I want to hid, disappear, shout, scream and tell him to stop talking... It's also the way he said it, like as if I am so pitiful, trying to get something so out of my reach... I will try my best not to give in, but do you know how I can stop feeling this way? It really wants to make me cry... This is also one of the reasons why I don't like telling them my problems.. Yes, they are my family, but they always give me this look, like I'm hopeless, that as if they are so much better then me so they can talk to me in that voice that is like as if I'm some begger in the street... I hate it so much.. Is it me? I really don't know... Please help...
I'm sorry to disturb you like this...
I'm sorry to disturb you like this...
From reading what you post it seems like you are very anti-social. I weighed 190. And dressed completely different from all the other girls in my school. Plus I liked different type of music, shows, and I was into video games. I can understand fitting into a new school is super hard to do, since you have no friends there. I got bullied pretty much from 4th-11th grade, because I was "Different" I was very anti-social and I hated preppy, *******, jocky people.
Have you tried to join clubs at your school? Like anime, or anything that you enjoy? It's easy to make friends that way. You'll probably be like "No I don't want to nobody would like me" It wouldn't hurt to try it out. If you do think you're depressed you could always get tested. I had (Still have) Severe anxiety and depression since I was 9. I started self harm when I was 10, still am. I'm 18 and will be 19 in August. I don't Self harm as much as I used to since everything has gotten better, I settled down with an amazing boyfriend, and my family was been super supportive. I wish you would go to your family for support because that's what they're there for. Your mom and dad are your biggest supporters. So why ignore them? I did that through my entire time I had depression/anxiety until I got sent 2 hours away for trying to commit suicide and then realized that I need my family. You don't have to open up to people. I never did and only 1 friend though my entire Middle/High school career. I'd rather have none to a few friends then deal with other people's drama and BS. But never try to commit suicide. It's never the way out. You will want your family as support, since you don't have friends at your new school. Keep your chin up. Give everything some time and it should all work out.
Have you tried to join clubs at your school? Like anime, or anything that you enjoy? It's easy to make friends that way. You'll probably be like "No I don't want to nobody would like me" It wouldn't hurt to try it out. If you do think you're depressed you could always get tested. I had (Still have) Severe anxiety and depression since I was 9. I started self harm when I was 10, still am. I'm 18 and will be 19 in August. I don't Self harm as much as I used to since everything has gotten better, I settled down with an amazing boyfriend, and my family was been super supportive. I wish you would go to your family for support because that's what they're there for. Your mom and dad are your biggest supporters. So why ignore them? I did that through my entire time I had depression/anxiety until I got sent 2 hours away for trying to commit suicide and then realized that I need my family. You don't have to open up to people. I never did and only 1 friend though my entire Middle/High school career. I'd rather have none to a few friends then deal with other people's drama and BS. But never try to commit suicide. It's never the way out. You will want your family as support, since you don't have friends at your new school. Keep your chin up. Give everything some time and it should all work out.
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