I need help please

Hey I'm 18  years old.  I know i suffer from depression but have been ignoring it for long periods of time.  THe reason I'm depress is not because of death in  a family or regret though i many on both of them, but how i feel in day to day life.  The following is a description of what i have been experiencing.

Now in day to day life, I've notice some things that also that are about to worry me. Its hard for me to remember things, especially names. i can remember then, but it just takes me alot of effort to remember them. i also am forgetting information that i use to know like it was the back of my hand. It feels like i second guessing myself. My thought feel very scattered most of the time. As a result its hard for me to focus on a conversation.  I can hear what people say but its hard for me to make sense of it at times. I don't know if it's social anxiety or something, but it take me a lot of effort to be in a conversation. But when i get started, i do ok until the next day where it feels like i almost forgot how to act again. Also i've notice some changes in my vision. Sometimes when i walk out of doors or something, i see a flash of light go across. I sometimes see a flash like somebody took a picture behind me. It's also difficult to look at tile with a lot of lines in it. I keep seeing mini flashes with the small tile that sometime form shapes.  Lights are getting really bright, and i see halos around the light.  It's hard to look at object at far away, not because its blurry.  It hard to focus on it even with my glasses.  I got my glasses check about 2 weeks and they told me there was nothing wrong.

I've been having these extremely weird dream that has been getting me kinda worried. First off, i always have complete control in these kinda dream. They generally happen when I am kinda tired, and i take a nap. They usually start with me dreaming about a very realistic situation. For example, taking a shower, or playing some video game with a friend. During the dream, it feels very real, like i think its reality. Then something in my dream sparks something and my vision(in my dream) goes crazy (very shaky), and its very hard for me to move. This last about 20 seconds when i realize i was just dreaming and wake up. Sometimes my vision is still kinda shaky but i am normally very tired. So i go back to sleep, but instantly when i close my eyes, whatever i was looking, while i was awake, i have the same image in my mind. Now if i stay with my eyes closed, it will only be a matter of time before my vision goes shaky or its get hard for me to move. During these dream i normally breath, but when i start to think about my breathing, its hard to tell if i am breathing when try to breath out of my mouth. But i know i can breath out of my nose. The dreams when i go back is very surreal

All this stuff is finally getting to me, and my depression, that wasn't to bad seems to be getting worst.  I'm having suicidal thoughts more and more often.  It's to the points where its not "if" i'm gonna commit suicide, but when.  i already figure out the way i will do it. I started hurting myself again, and i cut myself for the first time yesterday.  it feels don't know anything anymore.  I just feel so alone and afraid.  My junior year of high school to my end of senior summer i was using drugs to cope with my depression.  But now anytime i smoke some weed, or drink, it just amplifies my depression times 100.  My nights usually end with me seriously contemplating suicide but usually pussying out.  Here are the follow drugs i use to take:  Weed = couple times a week Acid = 3 times X= 8 shrooms= 1 Benedryl = a lot during a 2 month period but stop DXM: 2

Please help.  i don't know how much more i can take

[Hensley258]

OK, that's a lot. But I will start with first thing first.

My friend, if indeed you do suffer from Major Depression (as in professionally diagnosed) FOR GOD SAKES DON'T EVER AND I MEAN EVER TAKE LSD OR SHROOMS!!!!

I simply can not stress that enough. For the normal recreational drug user the occasional use of LSD and Shrooms is most often harmless, BUT for a person with a pre-disposition for Depression and Aniety dissorder these drugs can severly damage mental health.

For example, I have friends that in the past did these drugs on very rare occasion and they are fine, BUT if I were to take LSD or Shrooms, then it would be a two week stay at the local mental hospital because I suffer from severe depression. Not to mention the lasting effects such drugs have on people that already have a mental illness.

Yup, I said it "Mental illness." That's exactly waht Major Depression and anxiety dissorder are.

That's going to be the first bit of advice I can give you. Second; find help from a mental health professional ASAP. Get in and get evaluated.

Question? When you have these thoughts of suicide do they almost make you feel warm and good inside? If the answer is yes, then you need help fast. Not next week or the weeks after but like tomorrow.

When the thoughts of suicide actually make you feel good, then that means rock bottom and it will not just go away on it's own. You can't wish it away, you can't think it away, and it simply will not stop EVER, untill you get qualified help.

I want you to call your local Suicide hotline and speak to a phone rep that can help you organize and find help. That's what they do and most of them are sufferers themselves that work the phones on a volentary basis to help others find treatment options.

Don't worry, they wont think you weird and they won't call the paddy waggon to pick you up and lock you away. It doesn't work like that.

You have to find help dude. Trust me, I have suffered this disease since 1992 when I was your age and it's not any **** to play around with.

Set aside pride. **** pride. Admit to yourself that this is a problem that is out of your ability to deal with it alone. It doesn't mean your weak or stupid. In fact some of the most intelligent people in the world suffer from Severe Depression. I know many such people just like that on this forum. For some unknown reason this condition is more prevelent in people with higher than average intelect. Why, I don't know. Perhaps it's because we think too much and worry all the time.

BE PRO-ACTIVE AND GET HELP. The help won't come to you. You must seek it out and don't stop until you get that help.

You are still young and if you can get help NOW then you stand a better chance of getting this beast in a remissive state.

I guess that's all I have to say about that. I will leave you with some wise words that another severe depression sufferer once told me when I said, " I can't get help because I would feel stupid."

He said; "my friend you are still very young, now ask yourself how important the rest of you life is?" Pretty damn important if you ask me.

Be tough and stay alive. We will all meet our maker some day. Don't force it. Choose life!
This isn't your time to die.