Since March of this year, I have endured one extremely stressful situatuion after another.
March - My oldest son 24 - lost a job he had for 4 years due to drug abuse.
April - I visited a Dr and had a cancer scare on my liver and lungs (turned out to be benign nodules)
May - My oldest son 24 - got a job (I was up and excited). One week later, he lost the job
June - My oldest son 24 - got another job. Two days later, lost the job
June - My good girlfriend entered the hospital for the last time and died of breast cancer (5 year battle)
June - My oldest son 24 - got another job. 1 day later, lot the job.
July - I bought my youngest son 21 a car for 2000 dollars so that he could find a job. Every week until the first week in August he got some kind of driving ticket....got arrested for a DUI...I pay 150 to get the car towed home and him out of jail
July - Was one year for my new boyfriend and I living together (4 year relationship)
Aug - My youngest son 21 got in a bad car accident...he was rearended...I pay 150 and get the car towed home.
Sept. - My job changed to a job I despise
Sept. 20th - My oldest son had gotten kicked out of his house on Sept 18, was arrested on Sept 20th - took 30 Xanax and approached and scared some kids.
Sept. - My oldest loses unemployment because there was a misunderstanding with his paperwork
Sept - I pay all the bills for my oldest son girlfriend and baby so they can keep the place
Oct - My oldest son got into a car accident with the family car.
Nov - My personal laptop gets stolen from my house $1000.
Nov - My oldest sons girl left him taking the 2 year old baby.
Nov 26th - My oldest is having a nervous breakdown because he wants to see his child
Nov 30th - My oldest son gets a restraining order filed against him and the girl won't let him see the bsby - The baby is the ONLY thing he handles right...and now he is suicidal.
Dec 1 - I pay 500 toward my oldests sons apartment so he won't be homeless
Dec 1 - The clinic I take my oldest son to suggest he be placed on suicide watch and I take the day out of work, get some clothes, bring him to the courthouse, file for visitation, get him back on unemployment, switch all the bills over to his name, buy him some food, sleep over for 3 days...get him stable and come home.
Yesterday - my youngest goes into a rage...I ask my X to come over and help me calm him down.
Today - I pick up my oldest son to take him to the clinic and he tells me that his unemployment is shut off and he does'nt know WHY!!!!!
I'm losing it....I am so depressed....I can't take it anymore.
Tomorrow - My oldest son will find out what this MISUNDERSTANDING is NOW with unemployment.
I need him to keep collecting (he is trying not to do drugs and on Dec 17th we will go to court and see what his visitation will be with his son).. We really shouldn't have to be thinking about money when his unemployment filing was successful...and I have no idea what the problem is NOW.
I forgot to mention, I also paid his gas and electric that his girl left in arrears when she left with the baby.
I really feel like I can't go on......I WILL GO ON....But, I really feel like I CANT
Not too long ago, I forget what was goin on in my life but I remember someone telling me that stuff about...we are only given what we can handle in life. Im not a physical person usually but I think I invisioned slapping them a few times. Try and take it day by day. My life goal is to one day LIVE and not just survive the day. You sound like a pretty darn tuff woman. Hang in there. Take care of YOU along the way. Your son is so lucky to have you in his life. Be strong, you can do it. Good luck and may tomorow be a better day. Daisy
It sounds like you've had more than your share of trouble this year. I know you want to be there for your children, but at some point you also have to let them take responsibility for their actions. I know it's not my place to give advice on something so personal. I only know from experience that the best way to be there is to show your love and support. It is a lot for you to take on all of the stress and problems that your grown children are dealing with also. I am a mother so I know that it's hard to not want to handle it all yourself. I hope I haven't offended you. I hope that everything gets better very soon for you and your family.
Hi - I am not at all offended. After I typed all that, I noticed that the common demominator was MY SON...and my oldest to be more specific. I definetly need to let go of some of the burden and realize that everything usually works out...His unemployment issue was a small mistake on the agencys part. I was having a STROKE all day because I felt like it was going to put more of a financial and personal burden on me because I won't let him be homeless. but, again, that is MY problem...I need to practice letting go....or START letting go. Thanks for reading the long blog and taking the time to respond.
All advice is welcome with me since I obviously have made some bad choices along the way.
Take care, Merry Christmas
I started laughing when you said you "wanted to slap them sometimes", the people telling you that we don't get more than we can handle...I'm like ENOUGH already...LOL.
The unemployment worked out..but I did not find out until late this afternoon....Ended up he couldn't call till 3pm and I was assuming he could call at 8am. I was a wreck at work. Thank you for wishing me luck...I NEED IT...LOL.....Life does bring problems and always will. I'm just praying for alot LESS in 2011. I actually think I am going to drop to my knees on Jan 1st and PRAY for peace and serenity for 2011. Actually, I should start dropping to my knees NOW. Thanks again,
Merry Christmas. Oh - we find out Friday if he will see his son for Christmas...or BEFORE would be great!
And what if he doesn't get visitation rights? Have you contingencies in place for this?
It all sounds rather messed up but at the root of it your sons drug addiction problems. Or probably the underlying issues (and the maladaptive coping strategies of both your boys).
Your eldest son sounds as though he's getting reasonable support. He still doesn't sound all that stable though and that would be a huge concern. As he is now getting a wage he also needs to be accountable for his own expenses. You shouldn't be bailing him out all the time.
Your youngest needs to grow up. I would have left him in jail. Drunk drivers kill innocent people. It almost sounds as though he is acting out to get attention which you are giving your eldest son. This power struggle is also potentially very dangerous. This son also needs professional support.
I would make sure that your sons get the support that they need and then set limits on their behavior, etc. I think that it is intolerable that you don't let them learn from the consequences of their mistakes. I don't think it's healthy that you enable them to continue doing what they are.
Yes, they are your kids but let them take responsibility for themselves and their actions. If they can't then involve the appropriate agencies.
Thank you for your honesty. My youngest son has actually asked me in the past what he has to do to get the attention my eldest son gets....But, I bought him the car to show him that he DIDNT have to do things to get my attention and it was clear to him that I "trusted" him more and expected only responsibility from him because I KNEW his main goal was to find a job. But, what actually happened was a lot different than what I expected and what he was telling me. He used the car as a way to attract friends and spent the first 2 weeks of having the car "partying". You ARE right on with the assesment that he is competing for attention. He has also ASKED for professional help. But, because he hasn't had a job....he has been unable to afford a therapist and psychiatrist and money for the medication he desperately needs. I know he needs medication because he was on medication when he had a job and he was a totally different person. Did I think of NOT gettting VISITIATION? NO...that has not even crossed my mind because it is only the girls word against my sons...and the girl is ALSO in the METHADONE clinic...and my son can provide DOCUMENTATION from the meth clinic that HE has been clean for the past 4 months. She CAN NOT produce the same documenation as she has failed 5 drug tests in the last 4 months. BUT, we are not going to bring that up...because she is in a stable environment with her parents...All we are going to focus on is MY son and HIS progress. The states feel that it is in the best interest for the CHILD physchology to have access to both parents and they provide SUPERVISION if they see fit....for a period of time. I myself have been sober for 5 years and do not have a criminal background and we were assurred that my son WILL by LAW GET visitation as there is not a valid reason why he should not. Again, your correct I am enabling everyone....and it is taking my sanity and my health....Well, thank you for the feedback and the thoughts I can ponder.
Hi - Additionally, I was able to add my youngest to my beneftis with the Obhama law...kids are covered up to 25, if they are unemployed...but that does not kick in until January....In January, I will be on him to seek help.
Did you ever tell your youngest you loved him though? It sounds as though more than anything he just wants your respect and to be accepted for who he is.
Gifts are nice but there is nothing like spending quality time with someone and having real discussions. He also may have misinterpreted your motives for giving him the car. With his traffic offenses it sounds as though he is rejecting it, abusing it. Is hard to know exactly what the car means to him. Not something positive though I don't expect.
It almost sounds as though he has used it to get back at you, to hurt you. Consciously or subconsciously.
Surely he could access some support through a low fee or zero fee clinic.
It must be hard for him to want the help he needs to get back on his feet but find that it is either unavailable or inaccessible. I expect that would make me feel extremely helpless and powerless and possibly even drive me to drink, etc (If I had a drink problem). Has he tried AA or some 12 step program? ??
Some doctors offer free medication samples. While it isn't ideal long-term it may help him in the short-term.
I must have said that wrong. Based on what you write would your son fight for custody and not just visitation? No, obviously not. It would be best if you could all come to an amicable agreement. It is good that she has her parents support.
January is a long time to wait when you need and are desperate for help now.
Just another thought. Just wondering if their issues are partly fueled by their perception of your issues (seeing you drink, etc in the past).
Do you think that you could benefit from therapy as well? It could set some sort of example for your sons.
It sounds as though you have all done it tough. It does sound as though you are all trying to turn things around for yourselves though. It would be good if there was just a little bit more support to help you all in the right direction.
I would make inquiries and see if there are any zero fee clinics in your area.
Hi - Yes, I am in counseling and have been for 5 years....at first it was 2 times a week for 2 years and now it is every other week. My therapist helps me with how to deal with the kids, things to say...etc. Because you are ABSOLUTELY correct...my perception can be twisted at time and sometimes filled with so much guilt...BUT, I do ask for help from my therapist and my friends. Your so right on about my youngest needing the "right" kind of attention. I DO try that also. I have tried some new things recently...like playing games with him on my computer....brain games, he likes those. I have taken him to breakfast. I don't think the car thing was to get back at me for anything. I truly believe and his father does too...that he tries so hard to please other people "peers". That he wanted to be the cool friend with the car....I know that he does drugs when he is around certain people to impress them and win their friendship. He is not an addict or an alcoholic (I know this)...he has psychological problems with thinking that he should do these things to impress other people...and he CANT handle these things...so he smashes his car...etc. My oldest is definetly an "addict", he got my addictive personality. My youngest, takes after his Dad...experiments with drugs....has been drinking more lately because he just turned 21 and he likes to hang out in the bars whenever someone will take him with them. I work from 5am to 3pm and he has TRIED to get in the free clinic around here....he gives up with the phone calls, the appointments are 2 months out...AND he did get an appt. but they made him wait for 1.5 hours in the waiting room and he LOST it with his PATIENCE and he left....I was not there to "control" the situation or WAIT with him and he just couldn't do it. He refuses to call them back because of this past experience and says he will JUST wait for a real Dr. I do have medicine in the house that he used to take...but I don't want to give it to him until he is evaluated with a physician.
The custody/visitation thing with my oldest....he can't have "full custody" he does not have the means to support that...we filed for "joint custody" with visitation. All to be determined Friday. I would hope that he would get joint custody...that only means that he will have access to his son and that he will be included in all important decisions. Temporarily I DO see her getting full custody with him having visitation...until he can prove that he is ABLE to make decisions. But then again...he might get the joint custody since his counselors are standing behind him and provided a memo that says he is attending all counseling sessions and has succesfully passed all random drug screenings.
I really appreciate your feedback...it helps me check my perceptions.
My perceptions are sometime skewed too. The main thing is to be open to input from others. I use to not be so very good at that. Viewed it all as critical and judgmental. Adversity sometimes makes you mellow and take a hard look at yourself.
Well good luck with the joint custody and visitation. Good luck with your other son. He should make another appointment now and decide closer to the time whether to keep it or not. Surely there is no harm in that. A phone call to explain the situation also probably wouldn't hurt.
Do you think that as a concerned parent if you were to call that they would consider giving him an earlier appointment?
I would feel pretty angry and frustrated at needing to wait so long for an appointment. I would probably cancel that during a bad day. Surely him leaving were grounds for them to ring and see what was going on? They perhaps should have followed that up.
Good luck with your own therapy and for sorting everything else out.
They don't care about patients that have no coverage. It is true they don't...he left...they had no personal relation with him...one less person to see for that day. I did call about 6 months ago for an emergency appointment at a local psychiatric hospital. They told me to bring him and and that with their referral they might even commit him. I brought him in...and when we got there they told me there was a misunderstanding, talked to him for 1/2 hour and referred him to that free clinic near my house....We got a bill...IN HIS NAME...for 350 dollars for that 1/2 hour. I was SO mad. So, today he started back to a type of BOXING...MMA...Martial Arts....boxing has always been his "dream" sport and I took him out of it because I didn't want him hitting anyone or anyone hitting him....he thought this would be GOOD for him...I don't know...I really don't...I'm going to type on the Anger Management board to get some feedback as to whether or not this is good for him. He just "worked out" for 2.5 hours at the boxing gym...I think it could be good to get some of his aggression out. However, it could also be bad for someone as rageful as him to have the skills to potentially severly injure someone...I'm confused....Anyway...I am super anxious about tomorrow...but the good Lord knows best and if my son should get joint custoday and visitation or just visitation...is not UP TO ME. I told my oldest today...if it were up to me...he would have visitiation - supervised and right now I believe he needs to be supervised since he can not seem to be with ANYONE for 2 hours without nodding out several times. I still think he DESERVES to see his son....even if he is struggling with drugs....Supervised....And I told him if I am appointed the Supervisor....I will be nothing but HONEST with the court for the babys best interest. I hope the court will believe that. Because I will be honest...I will not try and protect him at the expense of his child (my Grandson). See you around.
Boxing would be good for getting rid of excess energy. The ethics of it aside I don't like the idea of someone becoming brain damaged from it.
If boxing is his dream then you should make him aware of the risks and your concerns and let him make his own decision. People are so make more alive when they are following their own dreams and passions.
Sport is a healthy alternative to drinking, etc.
Martial arts could also be good for teaching self-control and self-discipline. Given a good coach or mentor he could learn a lot about himself and about life.
I think it could be wrong of you to stand in the way of his dream. (Unless the skills, etc are to be used for violence, etc.)
I believe that everything happens for a reason, even if we don't understand what that reason or purpose is at the time.
Everything happens for a reason....I know.
I wonder what the reason was that the JUDGE today cancelled all appointments for court this afternoon. So, because my sons girlfriend did not show up the restraining order was DROPPED. But, his VISITATION case was not heard. He has not heard from her in regards to seeing his son...and his visitation case was continued until Jan 26th....that is 5 more weeks AWAY. He is an emotional mess and I was as well. Unbelievable....He wants to see his son...and his girlfriend can string him along for another 5 weeks. My son was devestated at the court house today. We went to the police afterward to let them know that the restraining order was dropped and that my son is going to initiate contact to try and see his son. But he was so ANGRY today that he did not trust himself going over her house (in the event they said no to him)...He couldn't face being let down twice today...so we have decided to wait a day or two when the emotions are not so high.
I know everything happens for a reason...I just don't know the reason that his little son is being punished because he loved his DAD a WHOLE bunch and he must be wondering where he is! Has to be....
It was good that the restraining order was dropped. Sounds like it probably shouldn't have been there in the first place.
I honestly couldn't even tell you for what reason it was cancelled. (Was the judge sick?)
The end of January is a long way off and must be absolute torture for both you and your son. This will be affecting the baby's mother too.
That's five more weeks to stay clean. Five more weeks to work through his issues. Maybe five weeks to look for a job, if he is ready. Five more weeks to prove why he should be given visitation.
It was good of him to realize that he was not in a good emotional state to talk to his girlfriend. That shows good judgment. Is extremely good of you to help him too.
His girlfriend sounds hurt and in desperate need of counselling herself. It must sometimes be hard to balance up your needs and wants with someone elses rights.
How old is his son? He doesn't sound like an infant which is what I presumed he was.
What lessons is your son gaining from this? Regardless of what the reason is he will be learning and growing as an individual. As he is being affected so much it shows that he cares deeply. It shows that he is not fickle. That is probably something as a parent you can also be proud of.
It would be nice if as adults everyone could work out some temporary arrangement so that your son could see his son before or for Christmas. Are her parents really that cold and callous? Are they really protecting her? I guess there are many different perspectives and stories to everything.
Take care. Tell your son to be strong. He can work through this if he just takes one day at a time.
My sons - son is 2.....The saga continues. In retrospect, I wish WE continued the restraining order because HE decided today AGAIN, not to contact her as he is still devestated...and then she shows up at the house with a cop...to get stuff. They took stuff that didn't belong to her. But, the police officer was VERY kind to my son and stated out loud that the girl appeared to be HIGH...and warned her that if she touched the only picture of that my son had of the child one more time...he was going to remove her from the house without letting her take another thing. The police officer...let my son speak his mind. They came with 6 guys to haul furniture out of the house..most of which was NOT hers...since she hasn't worked 1 day in the 4 year relationship...not true..she worked about 4 weeks at Texas Roadhouse and it was too much for her. My son was tested on Friday for drugs and unfortunetly will NOT have a clean drug screen. He told me he was scared about court and that he messed up....then they tested him yesterday at the clinic. He was totally honest with his therapist and she said it was OK that with his current situation he is expected to use...and that he is allowed 3 strikes before being detoxed in the program. The clinic is very supportive..not enabling..but supportive. I was an alcoholic...and I will tell you that I would not have been able to stay "clean" this long without wanting to block out all of this stress. I will also confess that after 5 years of sobriety...this last couple of weeks have been a REAL test for me...today especially...because I was calming down and then I got the call that they were over there basically raiding his house. The police officer told her that he KNEW the only reason why she wanted her stuff was because she wanted to "bust his balls". He rushed the process along...and my son was glad for a little defense...since there were 6 of them...him and his father ended up showing up there and then calling me. But, by the time I got there...the chaos was over and my son was in a heep on the couch crying. My boyfriend was telling me that he hates watching what this is doing to me and that I need to get home as soon as possible and RELAX. I hated to leave him there, but I do need this time to myself. His father was there..I hugged my son and told him that there isn't anything left she can do and that HE WILL STAY STRONG LIKE ME...and he WILL GET THRU THIS. I haven't texted her this whole time because I have been staying out of it...but tonight...I did text her....I said...Everything you have done so far is typical of you EXCEPT I thought that you loved Braiden. I can't imagine what his little brain is going thru as he is being kept away from Rob who loves him so much.
That is all I said. I honestly can't fathom that she would do this to his little brain....Regardless, my son is a big boy and he is going thru hell. The baby and him had a TIGHT bond...He would only go to sleep with his father in the room holding him. The first few nights she texted my son and told him that he was crying for his father....Nice girl. I have decided to come home tonight (usually I would sleep over)...but its time to let my son go thru his thing...I am here and he knows it..but I can't fix this...we are doing what we can. And YES...it would be great if he could stay clean...but he is struggling. And I am going to talk to him tomorrow about going thru with the bartending school idea I had....its a quick job certificate. He is addicted to drugs..he doesn't CARE about drinking..so it would be good to do SOMETHING to help his confidence. I'm burnt out...They will not work out temporary arrangments because they are evil...my son is not going to see his son for Christmas and they will do everything in their power to keep him away as long as possible. They are just rotten people.
You should have asked the police officer to make a note of her appearing high. This could have be useful for you in court at a later date.
Must almost make you wish you hadn't paid those arrears for her. Although you could justify that by saying it was for the kid as well.
Don't they need some sort of court order before they can start taking stuff?
He needs to know that he can turn to people when things are tough and not resort back to drugs. Drugs are not the answer. Maybe the girlfriend (is it safe to call her ex-girlfriend) was also feeling stressed by the need to attend court and that is why she was high. ??
It's good that your son was honest. That's a good start.
You mean she left him one to cry on?
Doesn't she get that he could get so overwhelmed by that that he could kill himself? Is that what she wants? Does she want that on her conscience? She should think about the consequences of her actions before she acts.
It was probably not a good idea to correspond with her.
Not just his brain, him. These are the important years where attachments are formed, etc. It could do your grandson emotional damage and delay his development.
You do need to do what is best for yourself. You know drinking doesn't solve anything and you would feel as though you let yourself down if you used this an an excuse to drink again. Maybe phoning your counsellor and talking wouldn't be a bad idea.
This must also be difficult so close to Christmas. Christmas can be stressful enough as it is.
Would he contact you if he needed too? Could you phone the clinic for additional support for him? He has made bad choices in the past and recently, I'm not sure I would trust him to keep himself safe.
Is that such a good idea discussing a course now, or even tomorrow? It almost seems a little invalidating when his world is falling apart. It depends on where his focus is.
Did he want to do bartending? There are drugs and alcohol and contacts in bars. It is not something that I would be pushing for someone so vulnerable. That isn't you projecting your need for alcohol is it? What does he want to do?
How is your youngest son taking this? Does he need support through this too?
I'm sorry they come across as being nasty people. I guess they must have their reasons too.
It's good that you could share some of how you feel. I hope that has helped a little.
Make sure your sons have adequate support then do stuff that you find soothing and relaxing. Take care.
Your right about his world falling apart and him neededing a little more time...the thing is when unemployment runs out at the end of Feb. he needs to have a means of support. Not to mention that he will have to be paying child support. But I guess I should give him some more time to absorb what is happening...but he can't keep sitting in a lump on the couch in deep depression either. We have to take ACTION when we are trapped in order to not feel trapped. I have some free lawyer referrals for him...so I'm giving him the job tomorrow (while I'm at work)...to call one of these places and see what his options are to ensure a speedy trial...and find out what is going to happen if she doesn't show up on Jan 26th for the visitation hearing because she MAY not and she may not even know what the date was changed to because she didn't show up on the first court date. No ramifications for her thou...I don't get it...it inufuriates me.
I thought of the bartending school only because it is a QUICK certificate to get him gainful employment. It is 2 Saturdays in January 8-4pm. 146 dollars. No, its not about me drinking...I don't care about drinking and I would never go to where he works...As far as him getting more connections...he has all the connections he needs. The idea was to get him out of the house as quickly as possible and build his confidence that he CAN do something. But, your right..now is not the time to do that.
Will he kill himself? Accidently maybe. Not on purpose...he wants to see his son..but in the last couple of days he has been taking WAY too much of his prescribed anxiety medicine. Last night after the confrontation and them being in the house taking stuff...he took 10 Klonipins to calm down. I begged him to only take 3....but he took 10 and then 1/2 hour later he was bouncing off walls..trying to help me and his father clean up the mess they left behind and it was a SAD SAD site. i realized that I could not control what he took and I told him I had to leave to go home and RELAX. I gave him a big hug and told him I loved him and that it is very important that he KEEPS acting like an adult...and walk thru this and that I will walk thru this with him...then I left. I will see him this a.m. because I take him to the Methadone clinic. My youngest..is oblivious to what is going on with my oldest. Because my youngest is in my cellar with the flu...and I don't bring my oldest over here. I'm out running around all the time so this is no different to my youngest. Anyway, THANK YOU for your support and feedback in the last couple of days. YOu have helped me see the situation from the outside. It h as helped me make some decisions (like not talking about jobs today)....Thank you so much. I really mean it.
My sense is that the bartending option is not the best one available. You know your son though. There are usually other short courses available too. Some free.
I agree that he needs to get a job, if he is fit to do so. It would be great if this could be a stepping stone towards something he wants to do as a vocation.
I personally would not put someone with a drug addiction problem in that environment.
What does your son enjoy? What is he good at? What does he want to do now and in the future?
Maybe talking about work could be helpful. You are there so you need to do what you think is best.
If it were me I would chuck both your sons in boot camp. I think an outdoor adventure therapy program would be good for them. Build skills and confidence that way. And so much more. I wish they had other options available too them.
I think a lot of the time our own systems which are there to help us actually hurt us and hinder us.
Your son needs to be made aware of the dangers of taking excess meds. It can be lethal.
I hope your other son feels better soon. Is never nice having the flu.
I would also just suggest you watch out for boundaries. It's hard. I would really hate to be in your situation. Although maybe mine isn't so different. I came home to help out after my mother broke her back and sustained severe head injuries. I always feel compelled to stay and do stuff for my parents while I feel that perhaps I aren't doing what I need to for myself. Is hard to balance up all the wants, needs, shoulds and guilt, etc.
Don't forget to ask those around you for support if you need it.
I know I'll be ridiculed for saying this, but it' a chance I will have to take.
Your son needs to be able to fix things on his own. It reminds me of my aunt, who allowed my cousin to go on and on for year without having any sort of responsibility of her own. Instead, she is 23 years old, living in her mother's basement and has yet to have a job at her age. Why? Enabling done by her mother, that has allowed for her to take over the mindset that no matter HOW MUCH trouble she cases [and pain] - her mother is always going to be there to back her up, bail her out, etc.
It's tough love, and not everyone can appreciate it. The fact of the matter here is, is that now this is not only effecting your son but, it's also effecting you as a person. It's not good for the soul, nor is it good for your health, period. I hope this doesn't come off as wrong, but I would hate to see another person have to go through what my Aunt has had to endure for so many years now. You seem like too good of a person to have to go through anymore of the antics going on around you.
Please, try and keep your head up, and know that people are here for you at any hour of the day. This site has really helped me, and I JUST signed up this morning.
Why would you be ridiculed? I just left my counselor, who I have the ultimate respect for. She told me that I AM NOT SOBER and I live in insanity. She said that I CAN NOT FIX my son...and that I am making myself sick (I knew this to a point). She said, I can take time to love him, support him and do SOME things for him...but there has to be a cut off and that I HAVE TO LIVE MY LIFE. It is not good for me and it is showing in my face and I'm losing weight from the stress. I tonight...called him to see how he was..he sounds terrible...but I had to say..OK, I will see you tomorrow (when I take him at 5:45 for his dose). I can't stop him from overdosing...I can't play GOD anymore. I have to find a balance between his life and mine. After all these are his consequences....maybe he has been a good person, decent father, et...but his drug use has gotten him to where he is now. Your right in everything you have said...and thank you for re-inforcing the "Let Go, Let God" theroy.
Thank you for being here for me over the past week. What the heck happened to your Mom?! How old is she? What is her prognosis? You are giving me the advice that you also need to take. Make sure over the next few days during this holdiay season...that you find the time for YOURSELF. Are you away from your normal home, routine and job? That is extremely stressful...Again, thank you for being there for me...
My mum? Old enough. Car accident. Her back is much better and she is mobile which is good but the head injuries can be a huge challenge. She was just passing on comments her neuropsychiatrist said about me. I need to get of my b***** butt. Apparently his words. He thinks the best thing for anxiety and depression is getting out and doing stuff. Does a person really need a medical degree for that? I don't think it is that simple. My parents have enabled me and I haven't had the support to help me learn new skills, etc. Is it fair to tell a severely dysfunctional suicidal person just to get off their butt, like that is the answer. I just had an argument with mum. She says that nothing is wrong and that her doctor said that I needed to get off my butt. Everything is fine while I'm being exploited and taken advantage of. Makes me wonder why I show any loyalty to them at all. Why I care about them at all. Why should I? Or they seem to think is that I am worthless and useless.
Yes, I am. I have just totally shut down and can't function because I have put others ahead of myself believing I was doing what was best for everyone. I have known for a long time that it is not what is best for me and I feel as though large chunks of me are dying each day.
Your counselor is right and that is perhaps what I was trying to communicate about limits and boundaries.
I have a problem with the enabling and that is that a person has no limits and boundaries and then WHAM someone wants to change the rules. I just think that there needs to be some sensitivity about how change is brought about.
I think everybody hurts. The enabled and the enabler. Everybody knows that that is never a healthy relationships.
You sound so together...then when you say your suicidal...I go hmmm.
Do you take medication? Do you have your own therapist? Yes, lots of times in my life I have said in therapy chairs..going...REALLY? I know that...
How long is the plan to take care of your mum? That is depressing in itself...its hard to have a life when you are caring for someone with such disabilities. Do you go out and do anything for yourself? I think "buying" things helps anxiety and depression. I know I have a difficult time buying for others during the holdiays...I just want to buy for myself....:) Maybe you should go buy yourself something.....Even if it is a journal. Do you write in a journal? It helps me to get all my feelings out and feel somewhat better. You do have to care for your mother because she needs it...but be careful that you are not enabling some of her behavior by letting her belittle you by using a Dr. to tell you what SHE thinks of your situation. People can push too far when they are sick....
No, I don't take medication and currently no doctor will prescribe it, not til I'm in therapy anyway (which they won't fund). My mhs is a big joke.
I had a big melt down a few weeks ago where things were really bad and one of the experts here at medhelp helped a lot which helped a little. Things still aren't great but they are better (which is a huge relief).
Being stuck at home is most depressing and contributes to me feeling powerless, hopeless and all that other stuff.
Doing stuff for me was buying the weekend paper and doing the jumbo crossword. My mother disapproves of that and if I do go it is snatched out of my hand almost as soon as I walk through the door.
I can't afford to buy stuff. Not really. And that just feeds into my anxiety and depression. I also have bpd (which in my opinion is way worse than anxiety and depression combined).
I've added money for gifts but I haven't bought anything. Seriously not into Christmas this year. Can't believe it's only two and a half days away.
My brother sent me a book voucher and I was looking at one of the medhelp experts books the other day so ordered a copy of that. I too just want to do stuff for me this year and it actually feels really good. I was feeling guilty about not getting gifts for everyone. I feel some sort of absolution now.
I don't journal. I was sectioned under the mental health act a while back for severe depression and my parents gave the doctors my diaries. It's just something I choose not to do at the moment. I feel talking here kind of achieves the same thing.
I stay at home now because my family is enmeshed and I have become very dysfunctional. My mother would manage by herself on many levels but need assistance on others. If my father were more perceptive he would be better able to help. My family is very messed up.
I was angry. I hate it when she keeps telling me that nothing is wrong and to get a job, which I find minimizing, when I'm dealing with so much emotionally. This year has been a year from hell and to be told that nothing is wrong. She was talking about parenting and I said something along the lines that if she'd done a better job I wouldn't have the issues I do (which is partly correct). I didn't even apologize for my comments. And still haven't. I know she knows they were said in anger but .. that still doesn't excuse me from saying them.
She just doesn't get it. Is more empathetic now than a few years ago but at times I feel I need her to be less invalidating. They make me feel so worthless because of where I am at in life regardless of my history. There's no acknowledgment of mental illness and the effect it has at all.
Sorry for venting. Has been a rough day and very emotionally draining.
I guess many of us hide our vulnerabilities and that really only leaves the book to be judged by it's cover.
hope today was a better day for you and your family.
Maybe we should start our own blog page in here somewhere so that we can continue chatting? I will try and figure that out. Hey, you are a very intellegent woman...regardless of the mental illness. My ssiter has had mental illeness...all kinds of diagnosis and she has been living on Social Security her whole adult life....That is another story in itself. However, I am extremely familiar with mental illness and how delibitating it is. I have mild mental illness...but mine is caused by outside factors...and is controlled easily. My sister on the other hand NO...and the people that live in her complex...some of them have it REALLY bad. All different varieties. My sister is someone who can not work....However, she is also smart..but I would not say very intellegent. You are intellegent and there must be some way you can use that intellegence to benefit you....but putting that aside for now...I'm sorry you had a bad day..but maybe it was good for you to type all that out. I agree that posting in here is a type of journaling.
My last couple of days with my oldest son have not been good. since the let down of the vistation hearing not taking place...he has gone downhill with taking care of himself. Yesterday, I could not get in the house to wake him up to go get his methadone...a friend ended up taking him later in the day. Today....dissappointed again...worried....I got in the house and he was out cold. I woke him up, he came with me and they refused to dose him when we got there at 6am. They said he was high. I said he was high on the way to the clinic and he said he was "fine" and that I had just woke him up...and that 545 is early and for me to give him a break. After he got turned away from the clinic...he was wide awake and aggitated. He told me that he took a unisom at 3am because he couldn't sleep. I told him that tonight he better take a unisom or whatever he takes at like 10pm and be up at 545 to go to the clinic tomorrow. He never made it for his dose today because he slept thru the whole day..which leads me to believe that it was a God sent that they turned him away this morning because the accumulation of drugs he has been taking since Friday is catching up with him. UGH. I have changed thou....I normally would have stayed out of work until 9 and brought him at 9. I dropped him off at 630 and went to work....I hope he is up and ready tomorrow AND AWAKE or I will have to leave him home again..so that he realizes what a mess he is in. I'm enabling because I understand he wants to see his son and he is in deep depression. But, I also realize...come on...you have no CHOICE but to pick yourself up or die from an overdose. The problem is that he is so depressed and drugged that he doesn't care about an overdose...AND I DO!
Yea, Christmas..bahumbug....I'm staying home...babying my oldest...and making a frozen Sarah Lee, Dutch apple pie...my favorite and I bought whipped cream. That's all I'm eating all day! My son won't eat...because of drugs probably.
My youngest..will probably go with his Dad to his grandmothers...and my boyfriend spends it with his family...which I am invited to..but I'm not in the mood either.
You do need to set limits for yourself especially if that is what keeps you healthy.
I guess he is an adult and now knows where the support is if he needs it.
I have been where your son is (not drugged but depressed). It can be a hard place to pick yourself up from.
My history is of a drug overdose (of discharge meds which was said to be a lethal amount). Sometimes you do get to that point where you just don't care anymore. Currently it just feels like living through a whole heap of pain, for what? For your son it is to see his son and watch him grow up. For me it is the hope that my future my be different.
Sounds yummy. Shouldn't you be eating more? Maybe just make your portion size a little smaller, or add in some exercise. Sorry! It's your day! You deserve to do what you like with it. Mum bought a cheesecake so we might make that up. We're going to my sister's for Christmas. I'm dreading playing 'tractor's' and hide and seek with my nephew. Is very exhausting.
Just do what you feel is right. Must be nice to assert your own wishes. My choice would probably to spend it home alone. Possibly not the healthiest option though.
I started a journal for us on my page...I think if you click on my face...you can go to my home page...What is this about discharge meds? Is it you were in an instituation and then discharged with inappropriate medication? It doesn't sound like you are in an environment that is going to pull you out of your depression. Is there any way you can get on state assistance? My sister is on state assistance...has been for many years...She doesn't get that much money a month..but it is enough to live on...she is also in state housing (many people are around here). She gets 700 a month...200 goes to rent and the rest is split...she gets some food stamps. I hold her money..so she gets about 80 a week for spending..not bad since she doesn't have to work..but she has no vehicle...BUT, she did have a vehicle...before she sold it for 100 bucks for crack! My parents wanted to kill her it was at least worth 2000. , they gave it to her as a used vehicle when they bought a new one a few years back...My sister had it for about 2 years...hardly drove it...she won't drive when she is high...or drunk..Just wondering if state assistance is an option for you to live on your own...and maybe not have the pressure of your parents...even if they don't pressure you all the time...it has to be difficult living with your parents at your age? What is your age? Mine - 46. Go, try to post your entry in OUR journal on my homepage.
I was sectioned for severe depression. Discharged with meds that I had no intention of taking but by law was suppose to take.
I agree. My family environment is not helpful and is extremely toxic.
I am on a govt. benefit. It doesn't go far but is better than nothing.
If I were your parents I would be furious too. At least she didn't get $2000 for it to spend on drugs. That's at least one positive.
I'm sensitive about my age so don't disclose it. Way younger than you though.
I was wondering if messaging may be more convenient. Don't know. Is Xmas here in 90 minutes. May not post tomorrow as we are going to my sister's.
Will post when I can though.
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