I want to cut myself!

This sounds horrible, even to me. But I've been staring at razor blades and saftly pins, and my moms knives. My parents always baby my 10 year old brother, they don't care about me, I'm telling you. They haven't been to one of my swim meets, when they make it to every one of my brothers, and he gets whatever he wants. Also, my dad abuses my mom. He's went to jail for it. My dad gets in my face, and I feel so scared, like I'm next. My mom doesn't do crap when my dad drags her around, but I do! And one of my best friends and boyfriend are dating, and I feel like smacking them to shut them both up, I don't feel like swimming anymore, I dread going home, I don't have hardly anyone to talk to. I thought of going to a cousler, but I cry thinking about it because she'll tell the police about my parents, or she'll call them, and there going to think I'm crazy! I've wanted to cut myself over and over again... But I'm a good student. Straight A's, advanced classes, I do all kinds of sports, plenty of friends, but none I feel comfortable talking to, because most wouldn't understand. I'm scared. I'm alone, I always cry, I go outside in the woods and just listen to music. I don't know what to do. Trust me, I've even prayed to God, I'm a christian, but it seems like he doesn't even hear me, like anyone else...

   Help, please? ://

[freddie8605]

I would strongly suggest seeing a psychologist and a doctor and make sure before you get started that they are confidential. And ask her/him when they would have to breach confidentially. They will probably say when there is a risk to your safety. but that is to best help you. the want to cut is sometimes associated with trauma such as abuse or witnessing it which you have mentioned. I believe its important to work with a psychologist to work through the emotions behind the self harm idealization and help with some of the other feelings you have written about such as crying. I want you to know that i do hear you and i am listening.

Take Care

[Seattle_sleeping_less_2011]

Sorry to hear about your stressful life.
Many people with these kinds of issues have been helped by the book,
"The Bondage Breaker," by Neil T. Anderson.  Just ask your pastor for it--your church should give it to you for free.  

"And always, night and day, he was in the mountains and in the tombs, crying out and cutting himself with stones.  When he saw Jesus from afar, he ran and worshiped Him...."
[with one word] ...the demons went out..." (Mark 5:5&13)

It took me many years to realize that a God who knows when a sparrow falls is more than able to help us all.  Keep persevering in prayer.  In that book I mentioned he says, Patience, prayer, and persistence.  It teaches how to realize and believe who we are as children/servants of God.  Once people realize this truth and stand their ground, firmly, ther is no problem that can not be overcome.
Please get the book--
it will change your life...

[SammiRena]

Thanks, to the both of you. I will try for the book, and I'll even look into talking to someone like you guys mentioned.. I'm trying to find different reason to enjoy the time I think about cutting, I mean, I do sports and stuff, but that isn't enough. But thanks so much, you don't know how much I really mean it.

[Jaquta]

The self-destructive thoughts are a way to help ease your emotional pain.
There may be a reason why your parents miss your swim meets, etc but make the time to attend your brother's.  Have you tried talking to them about how you feel?  I don't expect you would because if you feel threatened on a physical level you are unlikely to feel safe enough to express things that may leave you feeling emotionally vulnerable.
Rejection by a parent can be devastating.

If it were me I would dump the boyfriend and have a conversation with the friend.  That is not how a true friend would normally bahave.

I think that talking to a counselor would be a good idea.  From an outsider's perspective I think that authorities need to be made aware of how your father is treating your mother and also how he makes you feel.  I think that he needs help and also your mother and perhaps your brother as well.  I sense that you do.  Thinking about self-harm shows how much the stress is affecting you.  I think being loyal to your family is misguided when people are being abused.

It sounds as though you may be becoming depressed as well.  Not a good thing.  I would encourage you to continue with the swimming.  Do it for yourself if nobody else.
Have you tried talking to someone at your local church?  That could be another option.

He hears you and you are not as invisible as you perhaps feel.  Try confiding in a trusted, responsible adult.

Good luck and take care.

[SammiRena]

Thank you, reading your comment and talking about how you would take matter in it kinda helps me. I haven't talk to someone at church, and maybe that would be a great idea. I have had tons of conversations with this friend of mine too, and sometimes, she blames alot of things on me, so we drop it until something else happens. I'll consider dumping the boyfriend, and I'll think about talking to him, too.
It's hard to think about my parents and my brother. I don't often tell people about what happens behind closed doors, I'm not going into detail, but it as happened my whole life. I found some of my mom's messages when they mailed each other when my dad was in jail. I was in second grade at the time. I found them recently, and my mom had been blaming my mom for what had happened to him. Telling her that if she hadn't gone to the hospital, he wouldn't been in jail. He also says he owes her for all the times he bought the crack for them. I never knew my parents did drugs. But I guess it's there because my mom sells her pain pills so we can pay the bills.
Im just happy that I can talk to someone, even if its over the computer.. I will try and read that book, and talk to someone from church. I just mentally noted that I will this sunday...
  Please know that I'm so happy you guys have said something. I don't feel so alone any more... You don't know how much your doing for me.

[Jaquta]

My comments are just my thoughts and I expect others will be much better able to advise than me.

It sounds as though you get no real resolution with your friend.  I expect that could feel extremely frustrating.
Do you think your friend could be right in some of the things she says?  She may not be.  Our thoughts and what we express are often based on how we feel at a particular time.  Some things we say are often based more on our own issues.

Talking to your boyfriend would be a good idea.  Gauging what's going on for him could also be helpful.

I believe that things happen for a reason.  Sometimes it can be hard for us to let go of things.  We hold on when we would be best just to let go.  Talk to your boyfriend.  Trust yourself but be aware of areas where you may be vulnerable.  For example, clinging to your boyfriend for security but not because you have feelings for him.  That's just way out there but I hope you kind of get what I mean.

And if he hadn't of hit her or whatever then she wouldn't have needed to have gone to the hospital and he wouldn't have been arrested.  He needs to take responsibility for his own actions.

It would be good to have someone there to talk to that you can trust and be supported by or be referred to someone who can listen and validate you.

Having a date can sometimes give you courage.  It is a big step but a much needed one.

I don't feel so alone anymore either.  Talking helps me to feel connected too.
It's amazing that such simple things can mean so much to so many people.

Thanks for sharing your story with us and allowing us to take to step of the journey with you.

Take care and good luck.

[SammiRena]

Thank you. I really am thankful for all the comments.. Every comment I get makes me think of something else, maybe why I want to do this. Like, "Why am I just standing here and not doing anything?" It kinda makes me cry that everyone is taking a few minutes to just read and reply, because most people don't waste there time on me. So even if I don't know you, I know there's one person who does care about me. Thank you.

[freddie8605]

There are many people who care about you. Medhelp is a great place for support. I am glad that our thoughts and our time was appropriated. :)

[Jaquta]

One of the medhelp experts (Dr Gould) responded to one of my posts once from which I made these notes.
1.  Pause
2.  Why am I feeling so powerless
3.  Remind myself that I am not powerless.  I have just not yet decided to take the actions I need to make my life work.

He wrote it in a much more powerful and meaningful way but hopefully the sentiment is right.  He was a good person to turn to for advice.

Many people would likely take the time if they knew that you were hurting so much or if they were a little more perceptive.
Without some of the difficulties I have had to face myself with facing depression, etc I'm not sure I would have understood just how terrible people can feel.  Terrible meaning different things for different people.  For example, hurt, lonely, desperate, confused, ...

Inaction can come from many places but a lot, I think, is due to fear.
Try not to stand still for too long or you can become terribly avoidant.  Thinking about options is good but following up  is also good and can make the difference between standing still and moving forward.

I agree that there are many people that genuinely do care.
I have also found that knowing that others care has helped with my self-esteem which in turn has made it easier for me to care for myself.  There can always be someone to care for you and love you.  That person is yourself.
  

[rls27]

You should definitely seek out someone to talk to. If you're afraid of speaking to a pyschologist, have you considered a priest, reverend or minister? You mentioned you are a christian, perhaps they can offer some guidance and as far as I know, a priest must keep whatever you discuss between the two of you. Just a thought.

Try not to worry too much about your parents playing favorites in regard to your brother. I doubt they love him more. Being a parent myself, I know that sometimes a younger child may require a little more coddling than an older one. Perhaps they see you more as a young adult and aren't aware that it means a lot to you to have them there. You know a lot of teens typically don't want their parents around, maybe they feel as though you don't want them around. It couldn't hurt to talk to your mom and let her know how you feel. Otherwise, she may never know.

Something you need to understand, parents aren't handed a "How to" manual when you are born. Most often, they themselves are young kids when you are born, and suddenly there is this bundle of love that has entered their lives and they learn as they go. They aren't born with all the right answers, and they will indeed make mistakes. They aren't perfect and they aren't supposed to be. They are usually doing what they know how to do, and hopefully with the best of intentions.

I suspect there are stressors in their lives, be it money, falling out of love with one another, substance abuse, infidelity etc. There could be any number of reasons they are in turmoil, and you just happen to be along for the ride for better or worse. You aren't the problem, so don't let their poor choices or life skills affect your well being. Keep swimming, keep you your grades, and keep living a fullfilling life. One day you'll be on your own out of that house and maybe when you get older and they get their act together you'll be closer to them.

One last thing, when parents are stressed and living complicated lives, it's normal (not saying it's ok) for them to be angry and tense, and it's often too easy to take it out on their children, usully the older ones. Just look at it as "their" problem and however difficult it may be, remember that they love you. They may say or do things they don't mean out of anger, despair and frustration, but when you get a little older, you will be able to live life on your terms, not theres. Please don't hurt yourself over a situation that you did not create but are forced to deal with.

[SammiRena]

But rls27... It's not that, my brother is 10. Sometimes my parents leave him home alone when I have swimming and they have work. He can take care of his self, and my parents always joke with him, ask him about homework, his school life. They ask what he wants for dinner, and if he wants a friend over. I stay in my room unless I get on the computer, need to eat, or go to the bathroom. They don't ask me anything. They NEVER ask about homework, or how school was. When I talk to them about, they just have a glaze in there eye like I'm annoying.
  
My brother doesn't intend harm, he doesn't know how cruel this world is! It's not his fault, it's my parents. I wish they would care. And why they argue over the fact the bills arent paid, they sell pain killers, and talk about other drugs. They drink alot, almost every day, and sometimes physically fight. When I was in 2ed grade, I saw my mom crawl to the back door and my dad dragged her by her hair and cut the phone coard... Those memories hurt, and I ask myself every day, "why does my mom stay with my dad and take her anger on me?" She yells at me for everything. Asking why the chips are open, I told her zac did opened them, and she yelled at me, saying I should be responsible and close them for him! Im NOT there maid!

I told everyone one here that I feel like cutting, and im sorry.... but I did, i feel guilt, and I've done it three times. It feels good, but hurts. And if people hurt me and dont care, I guess I should hurt myself and not care... Except my friend who also cuts.... Well, someone told the office that kids cut themselves, and they checked my friends wrist and called her parents... My parents would send me to a crazy house... But someone mentioned talking to someone at church... And I broke down yesterday and calld my ex, and were both gonna go to church and talk to someone...

Thanks so much for everything, I will get through this, I cut myself, and Im smart enough that I have to stop... I will... Thank you.

[Jaquta]

It will be good to have someone support you when you discuss things.

Cutting is a reflection of the inner turmoil you feel.  I expect cutting is like binge eating.  You can feel bad and eat and feel better for a short period but then feel worse again.  So you get fat or you get scars but the issues still remain.

If all else fails talk to a school counsellor.  You shouldn't have to deal with all this alone.

I doubt your parents are going to change any time soon.  Usually something big would be needed for them to change their behavior.  It's sad but it often happens.  Some people live thier entire lives like this.  There are other options though and choices.  Everybody has choices.

You can try and understand others behavior for what it is but that doesn't mean it doesn't erode your self-worth, etc.  It's draining to be in toxic envirnoments.

Other alternatives to cutting if you feel the urge.  Draw on yourself with red marker pens.  Put an elastic band around your wrist and ping that.  Place ice-cubes on the area or chuck your hand in a bowl of ice.

Since you have cut take care not to get them infected (and please don't do it again.  Go for a swim or call someone if you have too.).

[SammiRena]

Okay.. I'll try.

[MsRationalBeing]

If your home situation is violent and dangerous, you have every right to go to the authorities. If you are a minor, your parents are required by law to care for you and protect you. What you have noted above sounds like serious abuse. Please contact protective services. You may very well be better off taken out of your parents care. Alternately, is there any other family member you can contact? An aunt or an uncle who you can discuss your family troubles with?

Another thing that might help you is the "It Gets Better Project" spearheaded by Dan Savage on Youtube. This series of videos were initially made to help gay teens but the uplifting message is good for anyone thinking about hurting themselves. The teenage years can be particularly difficult and confusing. You are no longer a child, but not yet an adult, family may treat you differently, school can be stressful and you are probably trying to find your own identity. All of these things combined with a flood of hormones and physical changes can make adolescence painful and depressing.

This is a difficult time, but know that it gets better! Life is better. And once you're away from your abusive family you will realize that life can be beautiful and enjoyable. Think about what you want for your future and focus on that. Focus on getting out of your home, even if that means waiting a few years to do so. Your family's lack of affection towards you does not make you unlovable. They are rejection you because of their own disfunction, it does not mean you are worthless.
Care for yourself, feel your own power and know that it gets better.

[SammiRena]

Well, that's the thing, my dad already went to jail for hurting my mom, like 2 different times. And I'm talking for like a few years... He's about to go for his third time, but oh well. My mom did have a restraining order on him, but I don't really remember how she took it off, that was a while ago... I don't know why I haven't been taken away from my parents, the cops know. The judges... I have alot of family, like 27 or 28 aunts & uncles all together, but they know, too. I don't think they care, on christmas, they stay away from us kinda like we have some sickness and crap.

Well, everyone knows. Even kids at school because it was in the paper once... I think its because my grandma is rich, and shes constantly buying people out, i dont know... She thinks things will get better...

I'll look at the videos, even if im not gay, but I will... Thanks