I want to die.

[MissMess]

I'm 15, and really, there is nothing ALL THAT WRONG with my life. My parents are ok, I have some friends. But I am so desperate. I can't sleep at night, I've stopped all the activities I used to like. I dropped out of school, I was failing anyways because I couldn't find the strength to open schoolbooks. I used to be good at school. I didn't cry and then start laughing out of nowhere everyday. For no reason. And yet I seem so happy to everyone, I am happy and jumpy and energetic and talk like a train around people. Then I come home and just want to die. I harm myself in any way I know. I used to cut myself but then my parents found out- I'm seeing a psychologist now. I bang my wrists against hard surfaces. I smoke just because I know it's bad for me. I drink every time I can and end up doing stupid things. I want to kill myself so bad, and yet I don't want to die. Death scares me. I don't believe in god. I dont believe in the existence of love. I don't believe in people. Some days I'm just crazy energetic and some others I lie in bed all the time, hugging my pillow and crying for all of it to go away. My moods are crazy. One second I'll just start crying with no reason, or get the urge to call my frineds to go out. It all hurts so bad.
Why should I want to live?
What is the REAL reason for suicide to be wrong?
What if there's nothing to live for?
I just want to drink and **** and do drugs and kill my brain and pretend I'm happy.

[startotheright]

In an odd way I know how you feel. When I'm around people I'm fine.When I'm around my parents or my friends I'm smiling and laughing, but if you get me alone I'm terrible. I used to be okay being by myself, but now I really don't trust myself anymore alone. I used to cut too, my parents found out but never did anything for it. They just kinda hoped it would go away and it got easier because I started writing as an outlet, but i still get those urges to do it. I also dig my nails into the palms of my hands just to stop the cutting urge.
I can't realy answer why you would want to live. Everyone's life is different hun, and people have different reasons for living; family, friends, kids, their dog haha.
I would say the reason why suicide is wrong is because you're taking yourself away from people that love you. Not because it may be "wrong in the eyes of god" but because of the relationships we make throughout our life.
I hope I helped and if you ever wanna talk just let me know :]

[LeftCoastChick]

You really need to get in to see your family doctor and get a referral, you don't need to feel the way you are. You have a disorder which is messing with your brain chemicals and you more then likely will need meds to control it, I've been there, even last summer, I went to my local hospital and got immediate help. The sooner you get help the better.
Suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem. Talk to your folks, take down the happy happy gaurd and let them know what's going on. You can feel better. I've had those mood swings for years, and I finally got properly diagnosed in Aug. What you have is pretty serious, so do get help a.s.a.p.
Hang in there.

[MissMess]

Can I ask you what you've been diagnosed with? You don't need to answer if it's too personal. My psychologist is just doing some talking right now, and he said we're gonna start some tests next time, but I don't think they are searching for mental disorders.

[MissMess]

Fact is that I know the people that love me would be better off without me.
I've started dragging my nails down my thighs. I hate the scars, and scratching, burning or banging don't leave any.
I don't really believe in god, never did. But I so wish I did.

[startotheright]

Well, I wasn't really telling you believe in God and I did read above that you said you didn't. That was why I put it into quotations cause I've heard that many times and I wasn't sure if you had also.
If they wanted you gone, they wouldn't love you. So if you know they love you, why would you think they would want you gone?

[MissMess]

It isn't that they necessarily want me gone. Just that they'd be better off without me. Probably happier after a while of grieving.
It's just that I have this enormous urge to just slice through my veins. I'm scared of death though. But I know that one day it wont be enough to hold me back. I think I might have a personality disorder. I don't think my psychologist will diagnose me with one though, he looks more like a conversational one. I need more help than that.

[startotheright]

Doll, if you believe that your psychologist is not helping you, you should find another one.You should find one that makes you happy and if you really think that something is wrong you should see a psychiatrist. I would advise you to see one actually so that you can actually be diagnosed and get medication for the obvious depression you are experiencing.
And I've had that urge before. Just to go into my kitchen, get a knife and just go with it. But what holds me back is the people around me. Sometimes I think they may not be enough, but I hope they will be.

[nart]

suicide is a big problem it could kill you it might not.............dont think about dieing fix your life .im at rock bottom because i tryed to kill my self and it didnt work ..........1 out of 20 actually die from suicide.....suicide creates memories that no one wants to remember........and its permnet........i was a cutter and if you could see what i did to my arm and wristes you would think twice about all this **** your talking...........you think you friend and familys will not miss you that is  BULL!!!............THATS ALL THEY WILL THINK ABOUT IS YOU...and what they feel about thems selfs is that they ****** up your life and they feel like there a bad person for not knowing it was that bad.....just think if you dont die and you end up with a horriable disablity like me...... my right hand dose not work like it did before i can do **** with it.........so i havent got a job or my life back yet...its been 4 years and i havent done nothing with my self im 27 my suicide was when i was 23............and not to mention the 3 years i had to live i severe pain.and that just makes you want to do it again...but im smarter then that now and i swear i will nevr do it again...it not worth it kid.........

[nart]

oh and i am not near the person i was meant to be.......

[nart]

go to you tube and look up (if i were you)  by hoobastack

[nart]

hoobastank.........sorry

[MissMess]

I'm sorry about your hand. And i don't say that they won't miss me, just that it would be better for them without me. I'm working on this suicide thing with my psychologist right now. And maybe yes, they are bad people, for never noticing just how low I've fallen.

[LeftCoastChick]

Sorry I didn't answer you earlier, I've been at a conference for the last 4 days.

I was diagnosed Bipolar Spectrum or BP2, they still aren't sure which.  My moods went up and down like a swing, and it was hourly. I was suicidal for days at a time, but I knew I didn't want to die, but it was like a fixation. When I went into hospital, I was seriously anxious AND suicidal at the same time. It was physically painful to feel that way. Though I was shocked(understatement) with the diagnosis, I'm calmer, happier and more centered then I have been in over 10yrs. I was diagnosed at 16 but because I had such a bad psychiatrist, who was only one of two in my home town, I didn't believe him. He later lost his license due to malpractise, and I was one of the complainents, due to being massively overly medicated. So I was manic from the age of 18-29yrs old.  I was in different levels of depression even with meds after that. I'm 40 now, and am only finding peace in my life. The meds work and I have a life :)

I hate seeing folks whom are suffering so badly, knowing that there is help out there and feeling better is a possibility.  Personally, a psychologist did nothing for me. My issues are chemical in nature, and all the talking in the world won't keep me balanced. Though it's great to have support in order to be part of your own wellness, I got that through my psychiatrist and a support group.

I tried to commit suicide when I was 28 and I almost suceeded. This act traumatized the few folks in my life. I isolated myself and thought no one would miss me.  I was very wrong in every way.  I actually lost a couple of friends because of my attempt because they were so hurt, and I understand why. So please, suicide is no way to go. It does get better, I'm living proof that it can.

[MissMess]

I'm feeling a bit better lately- well actually I've been kind of...hysterical. But still...suicide thoughts have reduced a lot, and although I get kind of scared by myself lately (I feel like I'm high on something: I started giggling when I saw this woman die in my grandma's hospital room), I guess it's better. My psych says that he want's to concentrate on my self-defense mechanisms and not in finding out if I fit a label. One side of me thinks he's right, but I have this feeling that I need a cure now, and we can work on the deeper mechanisms later, because I don't know how much longer I'll be willing to fight. I told him that and we are going to start doing some tests, like free association and Rorscach's.
Is this how you get diagnosed with something? through these kind of tests or by analysing sympthoms? Through which procedures did you get diagnosed? (No need to answer if it's too personal, again. Sorry if I ask these kind of questions, I just want to understand what's happening)

[lozzdog]

To tell you the truth i know how you feel. I spent a whole year taking drugs drinking and having sex with people who didnt care about me. even after treatment i still can sit on my own and wish to god that I would die. Hope that the next day when i get out of bed and leave the house that i get hit my car and end it all. I get so depressed that i convince myself that my friends dont like me because I am the sad depressed friend which is ******** and then when i am around that them i act sad and pathetic because I have done my own headin. Yourself is your worst enemy

[LeftCoastChick]

What you are describing are common symptoms of all forms of bipolar. Innapropriate giggling and feeling high is called Hypomania.  It's odd your doctor hasn't followed through the standard DSM-IVr, which has a huge list of criteria for disorders. Is s/he a psychiatrist or psychologist?  I would honestly get a second opinion. Until you get a diagnosis, you aren't going to be properly medically treated. Mood disorders though called  mental disorders, are generally caused by chemical imbalances.  There are no cures, but you can get stable. It's not easy, I get frustrated, for a couple of days I'll be just fine, then I might get a bit of hypo then my moods drop the next day, but I'm bouncing back from the depressive episode faster. The meds I'm on are a cocktail, but they work better then when I was only on two when I was diagnosed solely with depression. It's not always fun, but I'm an active participant in my path of wellness. You can too!

[star641]

hello missmess ,.......can i just say im so sorry to hear you are in so much pain
and i know you are or you wouldn't be saying the things you are saying like your family would be better of without  you ,.......how do you know that ?? can you read they minds ,
do you know what way they well suffer for the rest of they lives knowing that there baby girl died from suicide and they did nothing to help you ,....you might say its wasn't there fault but in there minds it was and it will always be ,.......there hearts will be broking in so many pieces that it will never be able to go back like it was when you where alive ,
they will hurt for the rest of there lives ,they will end up on meds ,..in hosp or worse taking they own lives through all of the pain you will leave to them ,....

im sorry hun but i just have to tell you that is how i was left after not one but two of my children died from suicide ,.....hun every loves you and with the right help you will come to realize that pleas tell your mom or dad how you are really feeling in yourself ,
tell them if the help is working for you or not ,...you must let them know everything please dont keep any seacrets from them you are only 15 and your moms baby girl
,...if only my son and  daughter had of come to me and been truthful about how they where really feeling, i do know one thing, if i had of know  i could have did all i could for to help i wouldn't be left holding this guilt in me that is tearing me apart everyday ,  ,...but the not knowing how they really hurt made  it to late ,..i have to live with that every day of my life ,.....im just talking one tiny bit from a mothers point of few of how it is to lose two children to suicide ,....believe me no one is better of with out you hun no one ,......no one ,....

[happygirl1]

I have a little different story to tell. I actually tried to commit suicide because I truly thought everyone would be better off without me. Boy did I get a shock? I come from a large family 3 siblings and all are married and all have children as I myself do. Anyway, as a result of my suicide attempt, my dad called me and told me if I was doing this for attention, to go ahead because he would not bear the burden of carrying the guilt of his child commiting suicide because he didn't do anything wrong. The problem with all of this is that I never accused anyone of doing anything wrong. I have not gone thru my life as an attention seeker and I needed my family for support. So, if you have your family for support, give them some credit and break down and confide in them. The family I thought I had for support is now not speaking to me ironically, when I need them the most.  So, if you still have family around and they are somewhat sympathetic to what you are going thru, then take the chance and rely on them for help. Also, get in touch with a psychiatrist not a psychologist. You really need help and there is actual help for your very real problems! You can feel "normal" again!

[MissMess]

As much as your story seems a nice, happy-ending one, really, I would never commit suicide to gain attention. I don't need that kind of attention. I hate it when people see my problems, I have acted out through all my life so that no one would see how I actually felt. I hate having people tell me that it's all right or talk about my problems, I can't stand it. If I were to kill myself I would rather no one noticed. I can't go see a psychiatrist because that would involve telling my parents, and they have already opposed to it in the past because they don't want to see that there is actually something wrong with me. I won't talk to my parents, it just can't work. My father is convinced he could never possibly be wrong and my mother is too scared to see that I have a problem. It would bring to nothing if not more issues.

[opus88]

I am sorry for all your inner problems, many that need to be worked thru probably with the psychologist ur seeing...but I agree u also need to see a psychiatrist dear, they are really the only ones that can diagnos u and give you medication, the medication will make you look at life alot different than u do now.
Try talking to your parents honestly and tell them everything ur feeling u need to get them to fully understand the extent of your illness.
However if that doesn't work and in your state u need them for a referral than I would suggest go to the ER...surely there u could get a psych consult when u make them aware of your issues and thoughts of suicide!!
goodluck honey...keep searching for your answers, do not give up on yourself

[toejam_muncher]

i didn't read anyone's response's...so it may be someone has already answered one of your questions better than i will...but you said "what real reason can suicide be wrong..."

the reason is because someday, whether it be tomorrow or 10 years from now, you will be extremely thankful to be alive. i didn't understand it when i was 15, but i'm starting to now. i'm 24 and things are starting to make more sense. i had a good friend die when i was your age. i look back on the past 9 years and wonder how it's fair i get to live and he didn't...especially since he probably enjoyed life more than me. and then i think how easy life really can end and how fast time really does pass...and it makes me thankful to have lived, no matter how painful it can be sometimes.

suicide is wrong because i have no doubt that very very very few people who commit suicide would have made the same decision if they knew how they would feel later on in their life. anyway, this is obviously something you should mention to your therapist.