I'm sick of Life and really want it to end

I'm 21 and am a complete failure at life. I dropped out of uni because I couldn't hack it. I have no friends, am broke, still living with my parents. I'm a virgin and have never so much as touched a girl in an intimate way.
I apply for simple jobs like kfc, mcdonalds but even then my application gets rejected. I don't even know what i'm doing wrong.

So I just sit around all day drinking and wallowing in self pity since I literally have nothing.

I also happen to suffer from OCD and always some kind of anxiety which only encouraged the onset of my depression.

I'm so lonely and feel so worthless that it's becoming unbearable. The only way I used to be able to get to sleep soundly at night is by imagining I was dead and free of all of this misery and suffering.

But that just doesn't hack it anymore, and I think the only way I can truly achieve any mental peace as by ending it all right here.

What's most painful is the way I see some guys younger than me who have it all - they are small, weak, ugly yet they drive around in top of the range sports cars and get girls effortlessly. They some to live life so gracefully, getting everything they want without even really trying yet I can't even get a job flipping burgers.

It's obvious no girl will ever want a loser like me, and i'm about as good as invisible to the world and i'm sick of it all. I need all the pain to end. But how? As you have probably gathered by now I am a coward as well as a failure, so I don't think I want to deal with anymore pain than I already feel even though it is ''only'' emotional pain. Having acheieved nothing at such an age, I have absoultely nothing to live for; nothing to lose. I clearly have such crappy genes that I actually wished i'd never even been born.

[MMahon]

What your are describing sounds like classic depression.  It couldn't be any clearer.
Have you ever sought treatment for depression?   Virtually everyone who has major depressive disorder experiences what you are now going thru at one point or another.
It is NOT just you.. it's an illness that takes control of your life and in time can reduce it to rubble if left untreated. Start with a good physical exam and tell your doctor what you write here.. That's important.
You should go see a psychiatrist and they can guide you toward the proper course of treatment.   What you have is quite treateable and there is no reason to go on feeling the way you do.   Take it from one who has been there and make a commitment to getting help and not giving up until you do.  Let us know how things go..

[suzyq6771]

I am so so sorry your feeling so helpless. Listen to me, God put you here for a reason. I don't wan't to preach religion to you. But, do you have a strong faith? Believe me, you need it.  This made me so sad reading this. You are so young and have your whole life ahead of you. I'm 39 yrs old. Ive had my share of bad things i've had to endure. I have felt like you. I know this is easier said than done, but you CAN NOT give up. And you should not be talking so bad about yourself. Whats wrong with you? you sound like a very caring nice person. I know, being nice sometimes makes you feel like it gets you know where and everyone else gets ahead of you when they don't deserve it, and you know what? you are right. And if I had it my way, the world wouln't be that way. But, unfortunately, things just seem that way at times.  I do want to tell you that how you feel about you and towards life, people can see that immediately, so if your applying for jobs maybe they can see how down you are feeling and see the negativity. I'm not saying this to hurt you, i want to help. Hon, you have to accept who you are and embrace it, you are YOU and no one in this world is like you, your the one and only, that makes you special, whether you wanna admit it or not, you are. Your giving up to easily. In ten years from now, you could be married, have a wonderful wife and beautiful children...don't rob yourself of those beautiful things. And don't ever EVER think you are alone...i know, thats a horrible feeling to carry inside you. Your not alone. okay? Life IS hard, people can be terrible in this world and its unforturnate that we have to take their crap. But be proud of who you are. what do you like to do?do you have any hobbies? what music do you like? do you like to read? Do some soul searching, find yourself, if you do this, i think you will like who you see, focus on you, make goals that you want to achieve and try to reach them. And when you need to talk, just like you've done now, reach out, theres people who will listen...I have gone through a rough patch lately of a steady stream of one bad thing happening after another and had a melt down..and i was always the strong one the happy one(i'm very good at masking my feelings...i should of been an actress..:)  )    but i pulled myself out of it , rose above it, well, lets just say i'm still moving upward.  heres a little quote i'd like you to read....i read this and after i  did it seemed to change my outlook on everything...."Each morning when I open my eyes I'm gonna say to myself:  I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can CHOOSE which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm gonna be happy in it.~Groucho Marx.

Good Luck to you my friend, take care and hope this cheered you up a little, if you need to vent, i'm here.   :)

[capegirlnoshoes]

Dude,
you're only 21.  I have a friend who was in your situation, she was depressed, she dropped out of uni, she lived at home, all her siblings were successful and her parents wanted her to move out, she couldn't so much as get a guy to look at her.  She's getting out of it now - finally - at 22.  Your life is pretty horrible right now but you're so young that you can reasonably expect a good life after all this is over.  It's hard to think of it ever being over, but that's what depression is like - no one is depressed for their whole lives.  
Don't beat yourself up for your faults.  You're probably imagining some of them (most depressed people do) and just focus on fixing the rest.  Of course you can't do that all in one go, it'll take time - and you definitely can't do it by yourself, so don't expect yourself to.  Go see a psychiatrist and see what they can do to help.  
As for being unattractive, you'd be surprised what some girls like.  

[RainyDays_]

Hi, thanks for the replies guys, I feel a little calmer today.
Yesterday I decided to leave my house for a while just to get a breath of fresh air. Went for a walk through town and saw young couples going out and having good fun and it just reminded me of how dismal my life actually is and that's what triggered those thoughts.

I was seriously considering it yesterday but quite frankly I think i'm too much of a wimp to actually try it.

I have never been to a doctor about any of my mental health problems as being officially diagnosed with something will just make me feel from bad to worst, so I always avoid that root. Problem is I literally have no one to turn to for help, no friends, no partner, and i'd rather not tell my parents as they are never even prepared to listen to any of my problems, they just criticise and tell me it's my fault. That's why I find myself venting on here.

Capegirl, I think I can relate to what your friend went through. I too have two siblings, only a few years older than me one is training to be a lawyer, one a dentists. They are both better looking than I and have a great circle of friends. I'm not jealous of them when I say that, i'm happy for them. But I honestly don't think they're that much brighter than I, and so what I can't seem to comprehend is how it all went so pear shaped for me. Heck I think the only reason why my parents haven't simply kicked me to the curb is because they feel sorry for me.

I tried to be optimistic a few months ago and turn my life around for the better when I started applying for jobs, after numerous rejections I did remain confident, however I did begin clutching straws so bad that I began applying for the 'simplest' of jobs. And when your applications for a position as a cleaner or fast food worker keeps being denied , you just can't help but feel as though there is something fundamentally wrong with you; your life ;luck; fate - whatever you want to call it.

I've been like this for years, difference is back when I was 16/17 I never lost faith. I remained optimistic as I always thought that by this age I would be settled - I would be well on my way to establishing a career with an adequate income, be in a relationship and have a great circle of friends. I envisioned myself enjoying these simple things. I never wanted some glamorous lifestyle, I didn't want to drive a ferrari and be a multimillionaire. I just wanted a normal life, but it seems even that is too much to ask for. But as you can see my reality is very far from the place I would like to be, and yesterday, seeing the success of others, this reality dawned on me big time. Escapsim seems to have become a hobby of mine, I'm always lost in my thoughts, fantasy world and I drink whenever I need a 'kick, all to help me avoid the reality of my life, I don't rely seem to do very much else at all.

I tried having a few drinks yesterday after I got home from my walk to calm my nerves, but it does nothing for me anymore, I feel I need something stronger now. Although I will try my best to resist this temptation

Thank you if you took the time to read that. And regardless of all this I think I want to have another crack at life and pursue my aims. But I honestly have no idea where I should even start this time.

[MMahon]

Read what you just posted above:
"I have never been to a doctor about any of my mental health problems as being officially diagnosed with something will just make me feel from bad to worst, so I always avoid that root"
You have to realize that this is exactly like saying that 'I'm suffering from a heart attack and can't breathe but I refuse to go to the emergency room because they'll tell me I have a heart condition and that will make me sicker,  so I'll just stay where I am and fill myself with self pity and that will make me better"  What you are saying is EXACTLY the same.
You say you want to be 'normal' and have things get better, but DO  YOU REALLY??
If you do then why do you turn your back on the very thing you need to do to get it???
Getting treatment will help you get back to normal and lead a productive life, assuming you really want to.  After all sitting around, wallowing in self pity, is easier then taking the steps needed to getting help for yourself.  Better to stay where you are for life then accept that sometimes people, thru no fault of their own, are afflicted by illness and disability that require treatment.  You are actually pretty lucky.  The treatment for what you have isn't all that bad.
If fact you're lucky there IS a  treatment at all, some people aren't that fortunate.
Choosing to find your help at the bottom of a bottle is playing 'russian roulette' with your life.
You are hastening your downhill spiral to it's very predictable conclusion.  And it's NOT going to be pretty.  So the choice is YOUR'S to make.  Take the easy way out and become a skid row bum for your few remaining years or stand up and be a man.  Admit you need help and do everything in your power to get it.  It's not going to come to you.  It's not going to happen over night but that's better then not at all. If you won't do it for yourself then do it for your loved ones who WILL suffer watching you crash and burn.
I know I've been harsh here, but I've been exactly where you are.  I wish someone had said this to me and maybe saved me years of unneeded suffering.  I went from exactly where you are, to finally finishing college, getting married, holding many successful jobs, having children and grandchildren because I finally faced my problem and I did whatever I had to to live with this condition.  And I still do. So don't crawl up into a ball and die.  Stand up and be determined to go down fighting.  You may not become a superstar or have a movie star life but you can have a far better existence then you now do.  The choice is yours and only yours.
I'm here to help in any way I can so please feel free to ask.  
You can do this.  I'm a big wimp and I did it so that's how I'm sure you can too!

[bea225]

I'd just like to say that it seems like life is always worse for someone else out there. Don't give up. Try to be more confident. When people see this they will treat you differently.  Also, having a good sense of humor helps in all situations. Don't take anything too seriously.

[amanda714]

I am going to attempt to give you advice on how to gain interest from girls.  For me, it's all about the confidence.  One of the most attractive quality in a guy is his ability to exude confidence.  I was once in love with one of the most physically unattractive guy that I have ever seen.  His face was so unattractive that my girlfriends had labeled him "the beast."  They would joke on how the rose that was supposed to turn him into a handsome man had shriveled up and died leaving me, the beauty, left with the beast.  Even though everyone told me that I was too beautiful to be interested in him, I disregarded their opinions because I was highly intrigued by who he was as a person. So when you see ugly guys getting girls, I feel it is because if the guy doesn't let his looks bother him, others won't as well.

As for feeling like a failure and a loser, I've been there as well.  Actually, I've known a number of people who have experienced those feelings.  But the important thing to remember is to keep trying at bettering your life because that is the only way you will find success.  Also, since I am having difficulty getting a job, I've been doing volunteer work in the meantime.  If you don't have the education and are having a hard time landing a job, volunteer work is an excellent source of gaining knowledge and experience.   Additionally, it can serve as a stepping stone for your future endeavors.  

Lastly, I think I understand your trepidations about psychotherapy.  There is such a strong stigma that society has placed on the field of psychiatry and psychology that it is understandable that people would develop such a fear to seek help.  Before my first session with my psychiatrist, I felt extremely apprehensive at the whole idea of working with a mental health professional. However, once I spoke with a psychiatrist and psychologist, it was a life changing experiencing.  My doctors are always kind, non-judgmental, patient, knowledgeably, understanding, and most importantly helpful.  Surprisingly, my psychiatrist and psychologist have never made me feel "crazy" and at times when I did, they assured me that I wasn't.  Psychotherapy was such a positive influence on my morale that I hope you can bring yourself to seek some guidance from mental health professionals as well.  I think you have been fighting a tough, emotional battle on your own for too long.  I think it is time to reach out for help from professionals.  What do you think?

[loz23]

Virgin at 21! That's definately NOT a bad thing. Wish I was still a virgin at that age I tell you now!!!!...

You are so very young. And have such a wonderful life awaiting you. Those other people that you look and compare yourself too have their problems too. But its really all about confidence and believeing in yourself!

We all get rejected from jobs, things at uni, from other people... but you just have to keep trying.. and know that if you dont get something - it just wasnt meant to be and something better is waiting for you!!!

You shouldnt put yourself down with negative words. Because if you start to believe that you are those things, then you project that negative energy onto other people and they can sense it. I think see a doctor. Talk it out with someone. Things will get better

[rolfen]

I just want to tell you... don't let everybody bring you down telling you this and that is wrong with you. Take a look in the mirror, think a bit, and you tell me if anything is really, REALLY wrong with you.
I was a virgin until age 24, and frankly, some days I wish I could be a virgin again :-) once you start doing these things you become hooked on them, and then you'll have to deal with the girl, and sometimes I wish I could be alone, with just me to think about, just for a little while...
The most important advice that I really wanted to get through, is the one I told you in the 1st sentence, then all i can do is wish you good luck. It's damn hard, so take the easy way out, and choose life.

[rolfen]

In other words, you're OK...

[kerry88]

Hey, I am 22 and finished uni last year with a 2.2. I had planned to join the police but a back problem has ruined my chances (I am currently recovering from surgery).....Since finishing uni I havent been able to get a job. All post-grad courses require a 2.1 or above and my course really didnt open many doors to me outside of the police (it wasnt really THAT relevant to the police either...it was a bad course choice really!!). But even with a degree I have been unable to find work....managed to get one interview and i really thought that it was going to be it, it really made me optimistic, and i came out thinking i had the job....but i didnt. The problem I find now is that I have been out of work so long that i lack experience. What I would reccommend is to either volunteer somewhere if you can afford to do that, or even sign up with a temping agency. I plan to sign up with one once I am recovered, as they can find you jobs that last only a few weeks, to longer contracts for months at a time. This would be really good for you, as it will provide u with a range of experience, will keep some variety in the job (i find with depression it can creep back even after a positive change has happened once you are back in a settled routine) and possibly most importantly for you....you will meet alot of new people in your work colleagues. This will help you to make friends, maybe even meet a girl (although don;t put pressure on yourself with that....it is not the be all and end all! having a partner, or even sex, does not define you as a person. I have been single for four years now, not met anyone even casually in that time....of course it would be nice to meet someone special but until I do, I try not to let myself worry!!). Another option is to sign up to a short college course, again, you will meet people, and gain a skill and qualification which will enhance your cv. It will also show a prospective employer that you can and are willing to commit to something (as they may view you as a risk if you dropped out of uni) and when you do get an interview, just say that you didnt feel that university was the right choice for you at the time and wanted to commit yourself to a career....that will show them you have ambition and will not leave them if they did hire you!

I realise I have wrote alot here! I apologise, I hope some of it is of use to you! Please try not to give up. I honestly know exactly how you are feeling....I can't tell you everything will be perfect, or alright in the end, because I don;t personally know if it will!! BUT I do know that there are things you can do to try! I find saving up to travel keeps me going...as the freedom of getting away and getting some sun and new experiences really helps me.....so find a goal that you can achieve by yourself (not relying on other ppl, ie...not to have a gf....as then ur happiness/goal rests on someone else)...take control, aim for a holiday, a car, a new tv, your own flat/house.....anything you like!

Good Luck!! I hope things improve for you soon!!!! :-) xx

[whyDoINeedToCreateAnAccountToPostAComm]

Hi. First of all, I come from a "second world" country where things are not that nice. From the conversation here I assume you live in a better place than I do. I can't tell you what I would've give to have a chance for me, my parents and my children to live in different country - where we could be treated with respect, have decent medical services, less corruption etc. Maybe my children will enjoy this "privilege".

Anyway, this is not the point. I'm quite satisfied with the situation right now. What I wanted to tell you (and I won't be long - usually I don't write to forums, blogs - this is just one of my few posts) is that life is worth living with a smile on your face.

This comes from a guy who found your post by searching for a solution to get out of a continuous "medium size" depression. I'm happy with the life I have: an adorable girlfriend, nice parents, great true friends and a good salary. And yet .. I feel like **** almost every night before I get to sleep. Finally, when I get a chance to sleep, my dreams are a mess.

I can't take out of my mind the fact that one day everything will be over. I can't take out of my mind the fact that my parents, my brother, my girlfriend and all my friends, one by one, will be dead some day. I will *never* get the chance to breathe, drink a glass of water or take a walk in the park.

It's just not fair. How I would like to know that when this life ends a new one will start. I could even be a poor, hungry child born in the worst place from this world (whichever that may be). I'd prefer to live again instead of simply not existing. It ***** and it hurts a lot (ironically now they're playing Skeeter Davis - The end of the world at the radio).

Hope you got familiar with the kind of "depression" I'm experiencing. It hurts a lot and I know I won't find a cure for this because I'm not lacking anything, I'm just not happy with the way this world was made.

And yet, there's a good part. I get to live. Thousands, millions didn't get this chance. With all the sperm cells that got a chance to fecundate I was the lucky one. I got a chance to experience this life for 60 or 70 years, who knows.

Sometimes I feel like crying and sometimes I even feel tears in my eyes when I think about people I care about and how they will be gone and how I will get old and how my mind will get twisted in a way that will not even allow me to conceive these thoughts. Probably I will die unconsciously and I won't be aware of what's happening to me. And that would be it. Was it worth it?

I don't care about my looks. I'm not ugly but I'm far away from being attractive. I'm not even smart. I don't have anything special and I'm not very good at anything. I don't have the all-round education and I often feel embarrassed in conversations because of this. But that's just it. Strangely, I'm just happy that I exist. I got life.

I still have to freedom to do whatever I want. I can't tell you how good I feel about that. Of course I can't always do what I want because I have to get to work from 9 to 6 etc, but you got the idea. It's great to be alive and feel and experience things.

Do something you like. Forget about everything that puts you in depression. Go to the mountains. Drink a hot tea at the top of a mountain. Scream as loud as you can somewhere in the middle of nowhere. Go jogging every morning for a week, at 6 am.

And when you get back you will see that nothing changed but you will feel different. Next is up to you.

Maybe we'll share a beer sometime. Cheers!

[yvonnealderdice]

Hi,

I know exactly how you feel, but suicide is never the answer and leaves behind a trail of heartbreak from the family.
You should visit your doctor and maybe get antidepressants and a course of cognitive behaviour therapy.

This doesn't have
to be long term but may get you through this bad patch.

I had a life of bullying from primary school to work,low self esteem, anxiety, depression.
Everything has been a struggle and i wanted to die.
I found religion but also have a good doctor. Both of which have helped, but even without that, its not the answer and somewhere down the line you will be glad you didn't take the easy way out.

Yvonne x

[jpaul119]

I don't post here to much, but I can relate to your situation.  I am now 49 and have had 3 yrs of bad health and depression.  Whey you have been use to enjoying life, feeling down and bad about yourself can really cause alot of stress and OCD because you want the good life again.  You may not have the good life that some of your friends have, but you have alot of creativity and can truly see what the quality life is about.  You will find ways to use your creativity.  You will find ways to get that quality of life that you want.  You are truly convinced you should get better, so you need find ways to deal with your current problems.  You need to start with managing your health (depression).  Many people here have given you the advise that you need because they have been there.  Negative thinking is one of the worst things you can do for yourself.  If you can read up on some cognitive behavior therapy, it will help with your negative thinking and self esteem.  Find things that allow you to use your own creativity.  You have shown alot of it with the things you talk about here.  Successful people are always trying to buy happyness.  It really comes from working things out in your life on the inside, not by hoarding things on the outside.  You should also see a doctor to see if you may need some couseling or treatment.  These are not horrible things, they help you get back on track.  Everyone thinks it is a horrible thing to seek treatment, and the worse it gets, the more you dont want to get help.  It is only after they make the effort that they realize they should have done more sooner.  I am now doing betterl after working out several help issues.  Hope this advise helps and hope to here more from you again.    

[sumineedshelp222]

hello dear...
i prsnly thnk dat u dnt need ne help of a doc..all u need s to build up ur confdnc...
but b4 dat i mst tell u u r a -gtv kind of prsn...den u c sum1 happy, u shldnt feel bad dat u r not happy...u wl hv 2 thnk +tv...nd learn to encgr  envrmnt arnd u...is u cld do dis, dat means 75% of ur prblm is solvd...
den d nxt step wl b get out of ur home, nd make sum frnds...but nvr expct nethng 4m ur frns...coz if dey evr disapnt u, den i dnt wnt u to b dprsd agn...so wenevr u trust sum1 nvr let dat trst b 100% wen it coms on expctn....onc u cmplt dis step ur prblm wil b solvd 90%...
aftr d 1st 2 steps..ur brain will strt wrkng nd u cn find mny way to find sucs in ur life...u wl hv to choose 1..nd brng sucs in ur lyf.....
ur lyf depnc on d way u thnk..we u r deprsd, u cn nvr thnk or see thnks as a matr prsn...nd durng all dis god wl help u complt all d steps...
god bless u...
nd hope u find ur lyf bck on track

[PurellGirl]

Please don't end it. We can talk this through. You have people here who will support you!