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Avatar universal

I'm so depressed....

I do not even know where to start. I have always felt a little depressed but have figured out ways to get over it fairly quickly on my own until now. In the past, I knew there was always an answer to whatever was depressing me and I would resolve to get through it .. there was always a light, maybe dim.. but a light, at the end of the tunnel - so to speak and that kept me going but lately I have been seriously depressed and sad with no light in the distance to get me through it. I can't see any hope.

First of all.. I've never been diagnosed as anything except type II diabetic so I'm not on any medications and the most I will take is some Aleve for a headache.

I'm 38 years old, married with one almost 18 year old son. My depression really started when I was 17 and my mother died from cancer. After that, things just went downhill. I've had a pretty crappy life. Fat my whole life, dealt with that and all that came with it. I had 3 miscarriages, the first one being at 5 months old and really sent me through a loop. Had some major surgeries for female problems. Tried unsuccessfully to have more children before being told I had pre-cancer and would need a hysterectomy (still have 1 ovary left). Around that same time, my husband had a one-night stand that basically ruined what was left of my soul. We worked it out and are still together. Fast forward to now.. we just recently lost our home and my husband made a huge career change that has put us into financial distress and he is on the road all but maybe 2-3 days a month. I'm home alone more than anything - my son is in his own world at the moment and causing me some other emotional stresses. I just started a part time job last year to get try and help out but it's not helping much. I also found out about 1 1/2 years ago that I have Type II diabeties and I have not been able to afford the test strips so I have not been watching my sugar/carb intake.  At the moment we are so poor that I have no idea how we will pay next months rent. We do not have food in our house and I'm living one day at a time - while every night I come online until I'm so exhausted that I go to bed and cry my eyes out until I fall asleep.

I have been having some REALLY bad thoughts. I tend to talk badly to myself when I'm crying and sad. Convinced that I'm worthless and that I was a mistake.. should have never been born. Convinced that it would be better if I wasn't here. It's been getting worse and worse. During the daytime when I keep myself busy or my mind off the finances and stresses, I put on a fake smile and do my job but at night I'm a mess. My son and I, who used to be so close, now argue all the time. Most of it is my fault because of all the stresses and depression going on.

I know people will tell me to go to the doctors but unless he is going to write me a huge check to take care of my bills.. I'm not sure it will help - if anything, it will be one more bill I can't pay.

I have often wondered, lately, if I'm bipolar or have some other issues going on. I don't know.. but tonight I wrote a goodbye letter to my husband and son, but then emailed it to myself and saved it in my email box. This is the first time I've been so down that I've done that and I had no emotion while I was writing it. It was like I had checked out already and was cold towards them in the letter. I'm so tired of this life already. I feel no purpose any more. Everything is just stress stress stress.

I do not know what is going on but I typed in "I Hate My Life" in google and this site came up so I thought I'd post my feelings and see what anyone had to add.

Excuse any typos, it's 3:30am and I'm missing some keys on my keyboard - sorry.

9 Responses
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Avatar universal
Are you still there?!?!?  Please answer US - You have me worried - PLEASE, PLEASE!!! answer us today!!!
AM PRAYING FOR YOU!!!!  My Love, Thoughts, and Prayers!!!!  cjhogg (Carolyn)
Helpful - 0
745381 tn?1233141844
If He put you to it, He'll bring you through it.  

I hate your life has been so tough! You really should seek some medical help. I understand money is tight, so what about a local health department? As down as you are, they'd be silly to turn you away. I am sure there are cheaper mental health services out there if you look. It may not be the prettiest place, but it's help. And about your sugars... be careful! Maybe a glucometer company can send you some free strips.. the big companies love to do stuff like that. Maybe Lilly does something (they manufacture insulin..) Or maybe find a Nurse Practitioner... they're typically cheaper (and a little more personable sometimes)  You have the internet, use it!

And when you have those "I was a mistake, would be better off dead" thoughts, please, if anything, think of your son. My mother attempted suicide when I was a kid and I was the one to find her. She is my best friend now.

You are your own best advocate. Speak up for what you want. You deserve the best. Everyone does. Good luck!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
YOUR A SURVIVOR! You will get through this. I've been fighting with depression since I was 11 years old. My Sister died in a car accident, she was 16. Then a year later, I was 12, my Dad died of a heart attack. I could go on and on but this is about you. You need to think about how really important your life is to your family and friends. Right now you may not want to live for yourself but they want you to live, especially your son.
Helpful - 0
728101 tn?1235338117
I have felt just like you the last couple of weeks.  I googled "help"-lots of crazy things came up.  We are also in financial distress and I can barely leave the house.  I have to force myself to do anything at all.  I have had depression most of my life (first therapy when I was only 4) and have learned to seek help wherever I can.  One thing I found recently was a class called "Awakening Joy".  I found it through Oprah actually, figured I could not afford it, but checked out the website anyway.  They have a ten month online class and they do not refuse anyone for inability to pay.  I was in awe of this concept and I signed up.  Having chronic "blues" and recently planning my own end, it is just a lifeline for me.  I am not expecting a miracle, but it gives me something to grab onto and maybe some help that will be lasting.  Just finding one drop of hope, and taking a small leap of faith, can be just enough to carry me along.  Don't think you are alone.  And I am definitely not a "Pollyanna" type, I am very realistic, but I find if I can set aside my cynicism and accept that there is still the possibility of feeling better, it's a lot easier to face the day.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I have said a prayer for you - I wish so I could reach out and Hug you!!!!!!
I am older than you and can truefully say I can look back now and see I was always a depressed, Sad child - Lonesome was what I thought!  I went with a boy my Freshman year in High School - He was my First Love and Very Special to me - but after about 18 months they moved away and we slowly grew apart..........seemed like it had to be!!  Then it wasn't until a few months after Business College I met my husband - We fell hard!!  And can see today where we moved too fast!!  Went together two months, engaged and married 6 months later..........He was my Knight in Shinning Armor!!  Gosh I thought I would live Happily Ever After........How unreal I was!!!  But we worked it out for many years -
When we lived in Williams, AZ I had a complete mental depression breakdown - It was the scariest thing I have ever been through - just couldn't understand WHY I couldn't pull myself together!!  But God appeared to me at the foot of my hospital bed and said - holding my two your girls - "They need you!!" - WITH HIS HELP!!  I came out of that bed, found the Chapel and Begged God for Help..............I fought ever day for a year or two after that - But I was HOME!!!
I did good for another year or two - there were times I felt so sad - cried - but was able to get up and go to work and push it aside..........but finally had to give in and get help from medicine - sometimes God says "Go to your Doctor and get help" <:O)  I believe that!!!  I am still on medication - They both are generics so don't cost all that much - $5 to $7 for a month - I know to you that seems a LOT - but IF it helped you wouldn't it be worth it?!?!?
I don't understand Why our world is so messed up - the sin at the TOP parts of good company have just turned their back on good company workers and helpers and GREED has ruined them - and sad but true - Now US!!!
PLEASE!! PLEASE!! don't do anything as far as taking your life - I did that once - tried that is - The doctors said - I should of died, but by the Grace of God I am still here - It's still not easy at times - but I try to Pray our "God Help Me" through those HARD moments and somehow keep going..........But........IF I didn't have the Love of my TWO WONDERFUL Girls - It would all be different!!!
I would love to talk with you more - try and help you through the HARD days - Let me help you Keep Living!!!  Do you not have a close friend?!?!?
I too am a diabetic on the pump..........a brittle diabetic - have been in 7 diabetic LOW comas........Diabetes is HARD!!  But there are people out there that want to help you - is the town you live in small or large??
Please let me hear from - With a prayer I close....I Care - My Love, Thoughts and Prayers, Carolyn
Helpful - 0
575279 tn?1217593872
I know exactly how you feel.  My heart goes out to you.  My life has been a struggle for me and it gets worse and worse.  Finances are always on my mind.  Last year about this time I got on some depression pills and i got off them cold turkey and i left my job and moved ten hours from my kids.  I was wanting to kill myself. i was married once and i spent alot of money on attorneys to get my kids and my ex has them and i see them every other weekend even though we have joing custody. there is nothing on paper that says anything about when we have kids so my ex just lets me have them on the weekends. be thankful that you have your child.  this is such a long story but i did come back home. i was without a job for four months so i have credit cards that want to garnish my wages and everything is late.  my ex screams at me with violence about how i don't help with the kids finances but i do. my work ***** where the manager calls me stupid and someone is always joking at my big butt or my fat legs.  all i do is cry and ask why people do this to me. i don't want to do anything but stay at home.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I know how you feel i am the same as you,wantin to end my life,nothing is worth it anymore,i have lympadema, my leg is swollen getting me really down,had a really bad time wiv my yougest daughter,money problems,tryed to work but everything justs builds up all the time,it took me some time to go to the doc's but i did i now is on medication,been on it for a while now still hav highs an lows,it will make you feel better an really hope you get the help you really need
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Yes, please go to an ER or check your area for free clinics that might be available. Also, there are programs around the country that work with drug companies to provide meds to those who can't afford them. Do a google search in your area, try "free medicine program". There is help out there!

Please don't be so hard on yourself. You have had alot of stress. Things will get better!! But get yourself into a clinic as soon as possible.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
If you are considering or planning suicide, please go to your local ER, there you will be safe and get the proper diagnosis. It's tough when you don't know what's going on. You've been through a heck of a lot, give yourself a bit of grace that you've made it through all of the turmoil in your life. But please get some help, you need to get into see a shrink. S/he will figure out what's going on. You may be bipolar, but I can't be the judge of that, but please at least speak to your family doctor okay? Ending your life is no solution to the issue. It will get better. Diabetes can also cause mood swings, my Dad is type2, and if he blood sugars aren't level, he's turns into a cranky old man.(he's 85)
Helpful - 0
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