Is my depression hurting my son?

I originally posted this in the community forum for depression but I actually meant to post it here.

I have been depressed on and off for the past 30 yrs. My childhood was not calm. It was either really good or really bad, until it just became really bad. I was not physically abused but I was severely emotionally abused by both my parents. I was 13 the first time I stopped my mom from committing suicide. And my Dad left me with her and choose his new wife over my self and my siblings.I am currently taking 300mg of effexor and 100mg of wellbutrin but I don't feel much better.

I am so terrified that I am messing up my son, just as my parents messed up me. I have always tried to give what little energy I can muster to my son. I force myself to play games with him, help him with his homework etc.To do this I usually have to sleep all day while he is at school and I will sleep the entire weekend when he is at his dad's. I choose to spend time with him rather than clean the house, thus the house is a mess. But I think it is more important that I give to him rather than have a clean house. Except that this messy house is driving me crazy. I feel almost paralized. There is so much to do and I'm so tired.

This morning my son and I got into an arguement because he couldn't find a hat to wear to school. Normally he puts his things in the same place, but last night he didn't. Because the house is messy, it was almost impossible for me to find him another hat. I was upset and he got upset. I've tried so hard to make sure that my depression hurts him as little as possible but he is a sensitive soul just like I was as a child. And of course he is affected. It's not fair that he has to live in this chaos. If I thought he'd be better off with his father, I would send him to live there. But his dad can be an angry control freak. I do like his live-in girlfriend and she adores my son. If I thought their relationship would last, I'd have no problem letting them raise my son. But my ex's relationships don't last.

I hate feeling so sad all the time. I've been seeing doctors for years and nothing is getting much better. I don't want to commit suicide but I can't live the next 30 yrs like the last 30. And I know that committing suicide will destroy my son - I WILL NEVER LET THAT HAPPEN. But I'm worried because I know that my depression does affect him - which makes me sad and angry at myself. I'll never forgive myself if I damage him. I want him to have a chance at a normal life. A life better than mine. He is not exhibiting any of the classic signs of depression but that doesn't mean he isn't affected. I feel so desperate. I don't know what to do?

[jo929]

you have this posted twice on this column i ans on the other one  luck  jo