I asked this in anxiety but maybe it's more of a depression problem. I guess I don't really know...
So for some reason I've had a lot of weird thoughts or what seem like super random memories from over the years pop into my head today. None of these are repressed memories or anything like that, just random things like relationship/friendship issues and volitile feelings I remember from way, way back and similar situations throughout the years. Makes me think I've been "messed up" since I was just a kid and it's probably a miracle I was able to function as long as I did. On the other hand, even though I've been in treatment more on than off for over two decades, makes me wonder if I would already be okay by now if I had earlier treatment.
I know I have bad depression and anxiety problems, as well as, bulimia for at least a decade itself. I've had different time periods of different forms of self harm. I've mostly been able to stop the more ritual type behaviors of self harm but continue to struggle with behaviors that really feel more like an unstoppable reflex.
I am 50 years old. I can remember having many of these same feelings and struggles since I was a child. What are the chances I will ever get better? Seriously? I can find no reason to be optimistic. I don't feel like that's my depression as much as reality. Why don't I ever get much, much better for any real length of time? What is wrong with me?