It just gets so hard

[Tess1313]

I'm only 22, my life has done a 180 in the past two and a half years. My dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and eventually passed on May 2, 2007. I was a great med student, but not I can no longer afford to go. I am helping my mom take care of the house in which we are now losing through foreclosure. I'm working two jobs, a totaly of 16 hours a day and I'm beyond the point of exhaustion. Mentally and physically I hurt. My mom drinks alot, she's never abusive towards me in any way, we are actually best friends. But in turn she's dealing with losing her husband, house, and her life turning upsidedown as well; so it's hard to explain my problems to her. When I do she brings up whats kicking her down and then I feel worse and I just can't handle it all. I've been through depression before and now I fear I may be slipping again. I feel there is so much wait on my shoulders. I can't even really turn to my own boyfriend. He just isn't understanding of it all. He tries to be a "man's man" and has the whoe get over it attitude 90% of the time. I miss my old life when I had my dad, my mom, my siblings, I was going to be a doctor.... now I feel like nothing.... I know life changes and I must move on with it or get left behind, but sometimes I just want it all back.

[january43]

I feel so sad for you Tess-but I can relate to your moms position.  My husband died 3 years ago and I relied on my youngest daughter greatly for a couple of years.  I was not functional at all.  I am now sorry I couldn't be there for her because, of course, she was in grief too, but I simply just didn't have it in me to be there for anyone at that time.
It is so very hard for you, though.
It's easy for me to say 'buck up' but I am past you on the grief journey.  
BTW there is NO closure for the loss of a loved one.  There is no magic time to come when all pain will be gone and forgotten.  There will come a time when acceptance comes though, and remembering won't be so painful, but after 30 years I still miss my mom a lot.  I wish closure was a word taken out of peoples vocabulary-it's trite and thoughtless and does not happen.  No person in grief I have spoken to accepts that word.  
One thing for you to try and remember, Tess, is that what is going on now will pass.  Maybe not with positive results-loosing your home is awful, but things will change and eventually you and your mom will begin to live your days without constantly thinking of your dad.
We all wish we could have our loved ones back.  We all want it to be the way it was and we all have gone through radical changes in what we expected from our lives.  It's just the way death is, darn it, and we can't change that.
As regards your moms drinking-if it continues or seems to get worse you might want to discuss it with someone else.  She may need some help in the future.  But for now, honey, if it brings her some peace just let it be.  Things are still too raw for you both.
Just know that you may still be a doctor someday, just not as soon as you wanted.  Your life has changed and right now isn't what you want but after some time has passed, do what it takes to get back to what you love.
Thank you for being a loving supportive daughter, Tess.  
january43

[John_jb1]

Hello,

Well I must say, that is quite a harsh story, and I completely understand why you feel so low.

First of all, the jobs you have, are they helping in anyway? You could probably drop both and find a much better job, and then that can help you allot, as you will then only have one job to worry about, and surely the hours would not be so demanding.

At the moment, I'd to totally change your veiw of life (sounds hard I know). But it is possible. Try living more in the moment. Take a step back, have a look what is going on in the room around you, at the moment in time, and take out the good things of that. Don't look towards what is ahead of you, or what you could have.

I know that really does sound impossible, and it took me quite a while to masture that kind of tactic. But beleive me, it is possible.

I think your mom is probably going through quite a difficult phase of loneliness. As this is common with family members passing on. I'd say spend as much time with her as you can, and (sounds harsh i know) take a break from your boyfriend, and concentrate more on your mom. As she really will be needing it at the moment.

^ I hate to put more responsibilty on you, but I'm sure you and your mom could use abit of closure with the dad insident.

Good luck, I will get back to you soon.

Thanks

- John -