I've never felt this way before

[skydaymom]

I don't know if I'm having anxiety, depression or downright exhaustion. All I know is that I'm completely miserable. I don't even know what to do with myself. I have been having problems with my 4 year old wich I've been using incentives and dicipline for. I also have a 15 mo old. My problem is my husband. He's mr."I'll make you a deal" and he's constantly giving in to our 4 year old to get rid of the fits. And when I tell him how our son has behaved when he comes home to my mood, he's like "he never acts that way for me" I know he doesn't because no means no with me and no means keep pushing for a yes with him. I have tried to talk to him about being firm and helping me but he gets defensive and storms off. I don't know how to approach him in a gentle enough manner to get him to back me up a little. Any time our son asks for anything, if my husband knows the answer is no, he says "go ask your mother". If i hear that one more time I think I'll snap! I'm sick of being evil mom and him always being Mr. nice guy. For quite some time now, I have been feeling completely alone. Every bit of progress I make with our son, I feel is right out the window as soon as he comes home and caters to his every need. I have begun to resent my husband evey time I see him give in. I feel like my efforts are helpless. I'm completely drained and I just don't think I can take it anymore. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't have the energy to deal with my kids and I feel like this is going to ruin my relationship with my husband wich I love dearly. I feel like nobody can help me and my husband won't even listen to me. He's a good father. He just isn't a good diciplinarian. All I know is that I can't do this by myself. I need us to be a team and I don't know how to make that happen. I just feel like driving away and not looking back. I know I could never actually do that because my family is everything to me but I just can't deal with it any more. Any advise would be great. thanks for hearing me since nobody here seems to be listenning.

[Chrissylynn324]

to me it doesnt sound like you are depressed.. it sounds like you could be headed that way... but not yet.. i know you have probably heard this 1000000 times, but i think you need to have a talk with your husband.. you are probably saying "i've tried but he wont listen"... you need to find a way to get your point across.. whether you tell him, "hey, i really need to get this off of my chest and i just need you to listen to everything with no interruptions" or you may need family counseling.. when approaching him the key things to remember are active listening.. which is not just hearing what his thought are but actually processing and understanding his point of view.. but the second thing to remember is that you have to find a way to talk to him without attacking him.. one of the first things we as human's do is pass the blame.. well it cant possibly be something that i am doing wrong.. its what he is doing.. while this is a natural reaction, it is going to immediately put your husband on the defensive and he wont hear a word you are saying.. instead try..
honey, i know that you are a wonderful husband and a great father and that you are trying to raise your son the best way you know how, but we need to establish guidelines that we both agree with and will abide by so that we have a common way of disiplining. i am having trouble on my end when he gets two different answers from us..
that sounds much better than
why do you always tell him yes and i have to be the bad mom and tell him no all the time.. you let him get his way while he doesnt even listen to me anymore because he konws what i am going to say.. you need to change the way you do things because my way is better for him..
which would you listen better to?
its just a thought but like i said, in my opinion you and your husband just need to talk and get on the same page.. hope this helps, keep us updated! =-)
chrissy

[skydaymom]

Your advise is golden. I definately try to approach him in a gentle manner because I know he is sensitive. I even comment on the things that I do wrong as well. I've just been trying to tell him what we as a couple can do to change the way our son is acting. We need to be consistent. I don't think our son's behavior is his fault but our son is very smart. He sees our weaknesses and our differences in dicipline and he's using it to his advantage. My biggest problem is trying to find the time for us to talk about it. I work nights and he works days and our one day together is friday night. It just seems like he never wants to talk about anything serious on our one night to hang out together. Thank you for your response. Hopefully I will convince him that we need to talk. And hopefully I can get him to take me more seriously this time around.