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Just depression or could it be more?
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Just depression or could it be more?

Hello, I am a 23 year old male, about 2.5 to 3 years ago I noticed a change in my personality. The summer before my second year in college I became very quiet, I couldn't seem to talk to my friends or with anybody. Because of this I started feeling really down.

During the fall school session I felt more withdrawn and while drinking I would wander away from parties when years before I would stay all night. I eventually felt so depressed I had serious thoughts of suicide but instead of acting on them I went to the consoling center. After going to the hospital and staying the night at a mental health watch place ( don't exactly remember what its called) I started seeing a school psychologist. He did not help me at all, he thought I just had social problems and for my feelings of depression he had me talk to a psychiatrist and was prescribed Zoloft 50mg. I didn't trust my psychologist and felt like he wasn't really helping, also he didn't push me to take the Zoloft but he made it seem like I should take them. ( At the time I felt like I should trust him because he was a doctor but I changed my mind about him and all doctors soon). I must admit I wasn't serious about taking my pills all the time but the side effects from them made me stop, I had trouble peeing and couldn't get a erection. Soon after I was kicked out of school because of getting in trouble while drinking which I had been doing while on Zoloft.

After a year out of school I transferred to a state school closer to home and was working almost full time. I was working out and eating right but was still drinking and smoking weed to try to get the feeling of the old me back. I had begun to see a psychologist who I felt comfortable with for some reason I kept lieing to him and eventually I felt like I was getting better so I stopped seeing him. I couldn't concentrate in school anymore and soon I failed the first session and then the second session because I stopped going to class and anytime I tried doing homework I would feel very anxious and would just give up, I was kicked out because of grades after the second session.

I now have a full time job and am going to a community college in the city near I live. I have stopped drinking and smoking weed because of how down of a mood it puts me into during and after. I am still with my girlfriend and have been able to pass my classes the first session. I don't feel any suicidal thoughts but I still feel like my life is hopeless and I will never be truly happy. Some random days I will feel like my old self and be very talkative but they only last a couple of days. Most of the time I feel like I have no energy and I am having trouble concentrating again. I dont feel depressed like I used too but I know I should probably see someone I just don't feel like I really need too. Again I dont feel depressed I just feel hopless sometimes and I feel like ive just gotton used to the way I feel so withdrawn and emotionless that I should just press on with my life. I know this is a long and rambling post and it is definitly a short story version of what ive been feeling but i just felt like posting it would help me get another perspective on it and help me out.
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2996663_tn?1374172676
It sounds like it could be bipolar manic depression. it  usually develops in the teen years to early adulthood. but you probably should see somebody and try sorting it out. you should not ignore it and just press on in life because later down the road things can get worse for you and i dont think you want that. sounds like your doing pretty good at making your life right now but you dont want that affected do you? Its important that you seek help because chances are it might not be a mood disorder..there are physical medical problems that can cause things like this as well..such as brain tumors. they can cause a person to have mood swings and anger problems.
I wish you the best of luck with this...and everyone on medhelp is here for you if your not up for doctors and all that right now
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Avatar_m_tn
Thank you, after writing it all it made me think that I should see someone for help. I don't know if I could be bipolar because ill feel good for maybe on or two days in a period of maybe 6 months but those few days I definitely am more talkative and more energy and also I will get very hot and feel agitated. Ive thought about it being a brain tumor but I tell myself im just overreacting even though I think I would be happy if it was a tumor because in my mind it would be easier to just have a solid answer to my problems rather then have to go through therapy and feel like im weak and crazy (I know i shouldn't think that but i still do) and experiment with physiologists ill feel comfortable with and medication that may or may not help until im done waiting 6 or so months to really find out.

But thank you so much for commenting ive been thinking the exact same thoughts but never really believing it. I don't have the highest self esteem and confidence so I didn't know if it was just life problems or if there was something really wrong. This was a shortened version of what ive been feeling over the last 3 years but I have been trying to better my life but it does seem like I can only get so far until I get apathetic or sad and its just an unnecessary speed bump that sets me back. Honestly what opened my eyes was most of my friends said they didn't see a change in my personality even though I would adamantly express to them that I didn't feel like myself anymore, they said people change when they get older but this change I hated and wanted nothing to do with. Then an old friend that I used to be very close to before my change and I hadn't seen in awhile told me I was quiet and kept asking what was wrong but I couldnt bring myself to express to him what I was feeling for some reason. Thank you so much for taking time to listen to me just typing this out seems to help a little bit.
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2996663_tn?1374172676
no problem thats what people here are for! If writing it out seems to help then keep writing! writing has always helped me. I love to write because it takes me out of this world for awhile. Even if im not writing about my feelings.
Change isnt always good, but the important thing is  to learn to grow stronger from it because you can, every day we grow stronger, smarter, and its our faults, our mistakes, the dark times in our life,and change that contributes to that. We can only get stronger. It takes strength in the mind to know that, we are all strong in our own ways, find your strength.
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