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LOSS...
HI! I'm dealing wit tons of things now that Ive got my addiction to pills under control.... I am experiencing TONS of anxiety and depression! I'm flooded with memories and things that I have never dealt with! I lost my dad, my grandmother, and my daughters daddy to suicide and I'm feeling like it's all my fault! 3 people that close to me killing themselves? Yes, I shoulder the blame... I could have done more, shown more love,...IDK! I am always in tears and my heart is on my sleeve,,,, I no longer have pills to numb the pain and Im sinking into a pit of despair... Being raped, abused by many, foster homes, mother leaving me in the middle of a street and never coming back! Ive blocked these things out for so long and now it's all hitting me at once.... I'm trying desperately to reach out to help anyone that I can ... Im trying to make a difference in peoples life and I feel like Im failing so miserably! When im sleeping (the little I get) I am accosted by nightmares.... I just don't know how to deal with everything especially all at once. I can't afford therapy although Im sure that's what I need. My question is HOW do I even begin to deal with all of this? I need a plan of attack... I apologize if this isn't the correct forum??! I need some serious guidance... Im broken... No longer to proud to ask for help... I can't do this alone. The depression is kicking my behind. I only worked half a day this entire week... The rest of the time I was in bed...crying...Im completely isolated and find hardly any joy in anything! I can't stop the emotions or memories and its hurting so bad.... I am sorry for venting all this...
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480448 tn?1426952138
Hiya Rosy!

Wow, I don't even l know where to begin!  You have suffered an IMMENSE amount of loss and trauma.  On top of that, you self medicated with your addiction, so all of these emotions are rushing back and I'm sure that's hard to deal with.  That would cause anxiety in anyone!

Have you sought out any therapy?  THAT would be the best starting place.  You can actually partake in more than one kind of therapy.  I would recommend private one on one therapy and also a support group for loved ones who have lost someone due to suicide.  Understand that suicide is NEVER someone elses' fault.  I know it may feel that way to you, but it's not.  Your loved ones made that decision for themselves.  You're NOT responsible for that.

There are many programs and resources that allow for discounted or free therapy.  Start with your county, ask your doctor, look in the blue pages of your phone book (where they have human services subjects?).  You have to look, but it's out there, and support groups are almost always free.  You have to start building up a new support system, and learn how to start sorting through all of these emotions you never dealt with.  

You may even benefit from medication.  I know that's a rough topic for someone with a history of addiction, they want to do everything without any chemical help, which I get...but sometimes it really is very beneficial.  Something to think about anyway.

Getting clean is an AMAZING accomplishment, now you're working on staying clean.  That is going to REQUIRE you dealing with these issues hon.

I wish you the very best!!  Let us know how you're doing, okay?
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Thanks girl! Yes, it's going to take alot of work and I am going to take your advice and look for resources in regards to support groups and maybe therapy... No pride left here.., I have to deal with all this and get it over with...
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480448 tn?1426952138
Reaching out for help isn't about pride.  Well, some people feel that it is, they feel they should be able to handle things, etc etc.  Baloney!  We are not perfect, and when we're pushed to our limits, we need help to cope.  Anyone who has gone through all the things you have would be struggling.  

This will be a learning and growing process, and it will take time.  Don't expect that you'll be able to sort through all of these issues and feel perfectly content in a short time.  It may take you a while before you start shipping away at all of the hurt, regret, shame, guilt, sadness, anger.  

I hope you can find some good resources.  If you want, I'll help you look, just shoot me a PM of the city (zip code preferably) where you live.  If you're not comfy sharing that, that's perfectly fine, I get it!

Hang in there!!  
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one day at a time !!!!.    Deep breathing  is helpful.     Support groups in your area also to help find a good Dr. to work with you.      Try meditation as well.   Put a big happy face on your wall with the words  BE Strong ! look at it a lot and try to smile.    ---one day at a time !
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I know... One day at a time... Sometimes its hour by hour... Lol. Thank you!
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