Aa
Life
This is just a depression forum it has to do with addiction. I am 18 and have been depressed since i was 9 i used to be a comfort eater then i started eating alot. I was a comfort eater i weighed almost 300 pounds as a freshmen in highschool. In 6th grade i weighed 175. Thats how i dealt with my problems i had nobody to talk to. I hated myself i wouldnt look up at people. I would just walk around staring at the floor hoping no one would talk to me because then i would just feel worse. I thout that i was less then every one else. Like i wasnt worth the time of day. when i was in 3rd grade my mom developed breast Cancer and i was left. that was the beginin2 everything. I had no one to confide with. My dad couldnt take care of me. My aunt who i thout was like a mom 2 me couldnt handle taking care of me anymore. I felt like nobody cared about me. My mom was gone my dad didnt want me and my aunt didnt want me. I wasnt allowed to see my mom because any germs could kill her. I was left when i needed some one the most. My perfect world crashed in on me. I wpuld cry myself to sleep with one 2 ask what was wrong. My grandparents came to take care of me and they treated me like i was a diseased dog my entire life so they ofcourse pretended i didnt exsist. I was compleatly alone while my mom who was the center of my life at the time was in a bed dieing and no one would let me c her to even give her a hug. I didnt understand why. I felt like it was my fault nobody cared about me i thout that was the way it was supposed to be.
Since then alot bad more then good has happend lost alot of weight with discoverence of drugs and alcohol. I dont know what to do I have alot social problems now i get depressed and convince myself im not worth anything that why should any one care about me that im less then every one. Im too scared and insecure to tell some one everything. Now i get really uncomfterble showing any emotion infront of guy's. I only feel safe with girls but i still cant let people get close to me. I get scared all i can think about is getting abandoned by them that they will just forget about me. Ive only been able to get close 2 one person and tell her what happend 2 make me this way. We would talk a little at a time all the time and she would be crieing everytime and i would stop because i felt so bad for making her feel bad.
I get extreme anxiety when people try to get close to me emotionally and physically for girls when it feels like they care about me. I hate myself ive been addicted to Norco's for some time now. I was taking almost 20 in a day. I can take 10 with 10 mg of hydrocodone apice and not feel high. But that makes me more depressed. Then i feel even worse when i dont take them. Im stuck in a vicious cycle that i dont know how to get out of. I have an emty feeling in my chest it feels heavy. I cant talk to any one ive gotten alot better but im still not close to being ok. I dont know what i should do. I dont know if i shoulld go to a doctor or what thats why im confiding here and hoping for somthing in the right direction. I feel stuck in a hole i cant get out of.
Since then alot bad more then good has happend lost alot of weight with discoverence of drugs and alcohol. I dont know what to do I have alot social problems now i get depressed and convince myself im not worth anything that why should any one care about me that im less then every one. Im too scared and insecure to tell some one everything. Now i get really uncomfterble showing any emotion infront of guy's. I only feel safe with girls but i still cant let people get close to me. I get scared all i can think about is getting abandoned by them that they will just forget about me. Ive only been able to get close 2 one person and tell her what happend 2 make me this way. We would talk a little at a time all the time and she would be crieing everytime and i would stop because i felt so bad for making her feel bad.
I get extreme anxiety when people try to get close to me emotionally and physically for girls when it feels like they care about me. I hate myself ive been addicted to Norco's for some time now. I was taking almost 20 in a day. I can take 10 with 10 mg of hydrocodone apice and not feel high. But that makes me more depressed. Then i feel even worse when i dont take them. Im stuck in a vicious cycle that i dont know how to get out of. I have an emty feeling in my chest it feels heavy. I cant talk to any one ive gotten alot better but im still not close to being ok. I dont know what i should do. I dont know if i shoulld go to a doctor or what thats why im confiding here and hoping for somthing in the right direction. I feel stuck in a hole i cant get out of.
Hey, sounds like your making some progress. Those relapses can be really horrible, but stick with it like it was a cold or something, and be sure to keep far away from any of your drug stashes (throw them out).
Its too bad you can't get anyone to help you out, but if you succeed on your own your life will be changed. Being able to drop an addiction alone is something noone should have to do, but if they do it they find some inner strength.
P.S. to the people trying to convert him, lets not turn this into a religious debate. Its obvious hes stalwart in his disbelief and if he could ever be converted, it wouldn't be over the internet.
Its too bad you can't get anyone to help you out, but if you succeed on your own your life will be changed. Being able to drop an addiction alone is something noone should have to do, but if they do it they find some inner strength.
P.S. to the people trying to convert him, lets not turn this into a religious debate. Its obvious hes stalwart in his disbelief and if he could ever be converted, it wouldn't be over the internet.
I'am so happy that you are better! I have things that I would like to say to you about religion, but I want to respect your wishes. I promised you I would'nt try to force anything at you and I will make good on that promise. I'am curious as to why you stopped believing in God, but I won't ask. I do want you to know many people have been praying for you for strength, courage, wisdom, etc.. I feel he has been with you and helped you. All the times he has protected you from drug over dose, things like that. To me that was not your power, and I don't believe in luck, and when something is repeated over and over, yet you survive. That must be God. I think he is trying to get your attention, but that is between you and him. Please just don't let anyone stand between you and him. For some reason I feel that someone who claimed to be religious let you down. If that is the case keep your eyes on God, and not the person that failed you. I will be praying that he reveals himself to you in a way that you can't deny him. We do live by faith, but if you need proof he will give it to you. He knows your needs and will do whatever it takes to take care of you. But enough of that. When you write back tell me some of the good things that have happened to you. You sound so happy. I'am glad there are positive things going on in your life. You deserve that. It is always good to hear from you, and friend, I will be quiet about God but I will always pray for you! Kande
Again talking to me about religion is like talking to a wall im not attacking anyone just saying that when people cant find the strenght in themselves to carry on they look to god. Then they sit and wait and say in time god will answer there prayers. Everything will happen in time. But saying that when it dose happen that it was the lord when you found the inner strenght or grew past and worked threw your alments is kind of obserd to me. I used to be religious the i found that god idst going to help you and give you a good life if you put your faith and life in his hands. But some people do need a god to help them find the strenght to get threw w/e it is. I beleave religion is a great thing but its just not for me and when you mention religion and how he will help you i honestly giggle. I had a brief relapse but only one day and i think im gonna be clean for good now. The high was for a very short time then the withdrawls were all day. I had to leave school i was so sick. Going without being heavey drugged all day every day im thinking alot clearer and im not stuck beating myself up and feeling sorry for what happpend and how my life is. You just have to suck it up and make the best out of the situations that suck. There not going to go away problems will never leave its just how you handle them. Almost my entire school career has been spent tearing myself apart and in a cacoon where i didnt even look up at people because i didnt know how to channel out my pain and anger.
This posting is not really any kind of answer, really just to let you know I am going through a similar situation. In addition to all the depression I already suffer, yo-yoing on and off pain pills make it so very much worse. I even "graduated" from rehab. I find that I am my own worst enemy. I am so worried about manipulating my therapist into giving me what I want at visits, I am just making it worse. I finally told him that I will abuse just about any and everything that renders instant results and we are starting over. I really want to be hopeful, but I know no pill will cure me. Baby steps-they really do help. I found it helped me to set a goal, write it down, and post it on the fridge. I read it every morn., gives me a tad of direction. best wished to you
I also lost my mother to cancer. And being a young girl, it's VERY hard to literally lose your best friend. You WILL get through this. Even if you dont pray, I am praying for you and I'm sure ALOT of other people are too. I'm going to see a therapist to help me. Have you thought of doing that?
God will change your life, He has mine!! I have been dealing with health issues for 9yrs and I'm only 28!! I want so much to be normal and healthy, but I know one day if i stay faithful with my prayers and faith in Him, I will receive my blessings and healing. Put all your problems in God's hands and in His time he will show you what he can do. My prayers are with you.
Hi There! You like to scare the poo out of me don't you! Just kidding! I always wonder when or if you will be back? You have aged me 10yrs..Not really. As you can see I'm going to give you a hard time, while I can. Do you have any idea how many people care about you? I'll let you in on a secret...we talk about you on our private e-mail too. Got quite a following there don't you! Must be a pretty special guy for all that attention, right?Anyway tell us how you have been? You sound good to me. I still am amazed by your strength. But you are too hard on yourself. Yes, you are right you do have to make up your mind to let the bad habits go. You can have friends help. And don't beat yourself up if you slip now and then...I'll do that! Ha! Couldn't help myself! I will not talk about religion to you, but you know why you don't need it - strength. You are self sufficient. Actually you and everyone does need God. He is our guide. If we would all listen to him (our conscience) we wouldn't get into half of the messes we do. I will only challenge you once, ask him to reveal himself to you and I promise you will never be the same! Trust him in all your ways and he will not let you down.Nothing is impossible with him. I will never bring this up again...but be fair take the challenge once! And once will be all you need. King meet the King!!! Kande
God really isnt my thing. Im not attacking any one who beleaves in god or saying your wrong but i think that it just gives people a false sense of security. Making people think that theres sombody else out there that will give them the strenght to overcome any obsticle insted of looking inside themselves for that power. I beleave it was also to help control people back in the day because there wasnt really any law. They used religion to keep people check. So plz dont talk to me about religion. You will not sway me to beleave through the power of god u can do anything. The only way you can do anything is by looking inside urself and fighting for it. Ive been stuck in the past just looking at myself as an addict and not moving past my past i had a plateu effect and couldnt get over myself. Ive now realized it ive quit smoking pot taking pills or all the other drugs that are so easily available. Ive been waiting for someone to help me insted of helping myself.
Hi king, I admire you for being a strong person to overcome all the trials you've gone tru.
Don't let yourself focus on your problem, but finding ways on how to conquer them. Be optimistic. Everything happens for a reason. So, whatever situation you are in, just be strong, be firmed and determined to surpass them.
Don't waste your time on drugs. Meditate, know you have a purpose here on earth. Set your mind to do the right thing and be in a right path.
Put God at the center of your life. Pray.... He will surely answer your prayers in a mysterious way. Remember, God will never give you problems that you cannot solve. Think always the brighter side.
try to read this by heart. "I live in such a way, that those who know me but do not know God, will come to know God because they know me." =)
wish we could chat also...
Don't let yourself focus on your problem, but finding ways on how to conquer them. Be optimistic. Everything happens for a reason. So, whatever situation you are in, just be strong, be firmed and determined to surpass them.
Don't waste your time on drugs. Meditate, know you have a purpose here on earth. Set your mind to do the right thing and be in a right path.
Put God at the center of your life. Pray.... He will surely answer your prayers in a mysterious way. Remember, God will never give you problems that you cannot solve. Think always the brighter side.
try to read this by heart. "I live in such a way, that those who know me but do not know God, will come to know God because they know me." =)
wish we could chat also...
Buddhist concepts (don't have to convert or anything) and meditation. I've done drugs too, alcohol, weed, etc. Don't do pills or powders, everything else in moderation (no more than once every couple days).
To tell you straight up, the drugs are gonna have to go first, and I know thats gonna be hard. Ive got severe depression as well and it takes all my strength not to start drinking regularly and become an alcoholic. Your not alone and there are a lot of us out here like you, struggling through life, asking why, and most of the time not finding answers. So my suggestion is finding a nice teacher or someone thats not doing drugs and is reliable, and get them to help you quit.
After you quit I'd suggest doing daily meditation and keeping active. Keeping active is so important and I know it is hard too. When i'm depressed, every activity sounds horrible. You have to make the first step and do stuff, keep your mind off your problems. Try art, active gaming (Miniatures, roleplaying, ect, not video games), sports, walking, writing, and whatever else you can think of. Get a job that keeps you busy, that'll help too.
Last but not least, realize that right now your in an emotional hole. You think your helpless that your depressed that your addicted that you have little hope of getting out. The fact that you think this is the biggest obstacle in your way.
Some of my comments may seem blunt, but thats just how I try to help. I'm on your side and here to help, Email me at Penguin_Buddha***@**** if you wanna talk.
To tell you straight up, the drugs are gonna have to go first, and I know thats gonna be hard. Ive got severe depression as well and it takes all my strength not to start drinking regularly and become an alcoholic. Your not alone and there are a lot of us out here like you, struggling through life, asking why, and most of the time not finding answers. So my suggestion is finding a nice teacher or someone thats not doing drugs and is reliable, and get them to help you quit.
After you quit I'd suggest doing daily meditation and keeping active. Keeping active is so important and I know it is hard too. When i'm depressed, every activity sounds horrible. You have to make the first step and do stuff, keep your mind off your problems. Try art, active gaming (Miniatures, roleplaying, ect, not video games), sports, walking, writing, and whatever else you can think of. Get a job that keeps you busy, that'll help too.
Last but not least, realize that right now your in an emotional hole. You think your helpless that your depressed that your addicted that you have little hope of getting out. The fact that you think this is the biggest obstacle in your way.
Some of my comments may seem blunt, but thats just how I try to help. I'm on your side and here to help, Email me at Penguin_Buddha***@**** if you wanna talk.
You are such a bright guy. You know the answer...its just that you need the strenght to tuff it out. The pain will become less eventually. Can you tell me what the pain is,so I can help you deal with it? You don't want to be numb. Emotions are good... they can feel bad at times! But that is the way we heal. Have you ever heard the saying,"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!' You are not dead. Alive! But hurting. Again you will make it! Even if you don't believe it ...I do! I can feel it, trust me. Lets talk this out. We will talk it to death if we have to .O.K.. Right me back. Take your time, collect your thoughts but give me what I need to know to help you. I'AM ON YOUR SIDE!!! I'll be waiting. I will check back in an hour...don't want to rush you. Kande
Ya i had a great last 2 weeks almost and today i came home from being gone for nearly 4 days and all i can think about is painkillers i just wanna numb the feeling in my heart. I come home to all the bs and then all the feelings and pain ignited. Im thrown back into the hole i cant crawl out of. I wanna numb the pain in my heart. I know thats the source of alot of my problems but it will make me happy now. All those feeling will be gone.
Wonderful! I have a few things to do tonight, but will be on sometime later. You made my day... was so glad to hear from you. Kande
im ok i was out of town got stranded at a friends house because of the weather i will get on here tonight. I hope u are aswell. I wanna talk to some one theres alot i need to figure out.
Hi again, I'am so worried. I hope you are o.k.. I hope you are out having fun somewhere.I will keep checking to see if you have posted anything. I may just write a note when I check in. Kande
Hi King, Sorry it has been so long since I have posted anything to you, but I haven't been on the site long. I always check to see if you have posted anything tho. I miss you when you are gone. I MEAN THAT! You are now a part of my life. See what you did, Ha! Really I do CARE. Would you like to talk about God? I would never push you into talking about anything you don't want to talk about. Its all about you and your feelings O.K.. I will check back and wjen you feel like talking, we will... your subject... anything. Sending you my hugs. Kande
I am afraid im terrified ive worked threw alot on my own but theres only so much one can do alone. Theres so much pushing me back towards my old lifestyle and i know i wont live very long if i slip back into that state of mind. ive nearly drugged myslef to death so many times i know i wont make it threw another relapse. Im 18 and have stomach ulcers and all kinds of stomach and digestive problems from taking so much pills. Ive got alot on my mind all the time. And no im not a religouse person. I beleave in a higher power just not theres a kind, loving , generous, miricle granting god. If there is a place to go after death i bleave if u respect others and treat others well leading a decent life u will be in the clear. Im looking forward to talking to u again.
it seems that you have been through a lot and you appear to be asrong person you know your weakness and you know your strenght have you tried counciling if you have problems money wise there are state funded places and they are pretty nice i know people that have been there all you do is call the hotline and they will tell you where you can go for treatment of course we are all willing to listen and help if we can but maybe you need someone that knows more about drugs and what they can do and to build your self esteem it seems you have done a lot to help your self. but i do think that you need a dr and some therapy so please get help i know you can do it if you cant make the call have a freind do it please keep us posted i wish yoi lots of luck god bless jo
I feel so bad for you! But what I see is a very strong person. I wish I could convince you. I think you do have a strong will to live, but I believe you are afraid. I understand why, you have been threw so much you just don't want any more problems. Plus you still deal with pain and being dissapointed. Before I go any farther, are you religious? I would like you to respond when you get this o.k.? In the mean time I will be waiting for you to reply. I'am going to stay up tonight to talk with you. If you are there write back. I'll be waiting. Take Care until we talk again. Kande
It just turns into to much to deal with. Then i turn back to pill's and keep to myself i wont talk to any one i just wallow in hatred of myself and it takes weeks for me to relize what im doing. Ive almost o.d. many many times not trying to kill myself i just couldnt make my pain go away. I cant get comfterble with any one havent been able to get a g/f i cant help but to get parinoid and freak out then dump them no matter how much i like them. I know i need help of some sort the smallest things will set me off and i spiral out of control. All i can think about now after just saying what little i have is 2 go get pills. Im getting frantic almost. the longest ive gone since i was 9 without a breakdown or freakout was 2 weeks. thats mainly cause i had enough drugs keep me nearly incoherrent. Ran out and then the withdrawls and the thoughts i just wanna disappear. I dont wanna kill myself i just dont wanna be any more. The only reson im still alive is because of the few people i know love me that it would hurt me more knowing i hurt them then how i already feel.
It just turns into to much to deal with. Then i turn back to pill's and keep to myself i wont talk to any one i just wallow in hatred of myself and it takes weeks for me to relize what im doing. Ive almost o.d. many many times not trying to kill myself i just couldnt make my pain go away. I cant get comfterble with any one havent been able to get a g/f i cant help but to get parinoid and freak out then dump them no matter how much i like them. I know i need help of some sort the smallest things will set me off and i spiral out of control. All i can think about now after just saying what little i have is 2 go get pills. Im getting frantic almost. the longest ive gone since i was 9 without a breakdown or freakout was 2 weeks. thats mainly cause i had enough drugs keep me nearly incoherrent. Ran out and then the withdrawls and the thoughts i just wanna disappear. I dont wanna kill myself i just dont wanna be any more. The only reson im still alive is because of the few people i know love me that it would hurt me more knowing i hurt them then how i already feel.
I want you to think about where you have been, and how far you have come to this point.Believe me YOU ARE STRONG!!! Everything you have been threw, and you can talk about it. You express yourself very well. I think you are handling your situation the best you can. Do not doubt yourself, be proud that you have made it. Keep looking forward. The hard part is over you have worked threw the worst part of life, and seem to have figured out everything for yourself. Most people take a life time to do that. So you are way ahead of things. Now just put all that other stuff aside... and LIVE. O.K.!? Good Luck. Kande
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