Love is tearing me apart...

[Kuriketto]

I find that copying the same topic on two threads is bound to get a much faster response... I'm just such an impatient person, and I'm sorry if I seem annoying to you guys.

I'm thirteen years old and I've used an online composition site for about two years. In those two years, I have made close online friends in the website's Forums. The more I've dealt with my depression and the more I've seperated from my physical family and friends the more I became attached to my online friends and the more I've grown to never want to leave them. Most of my online friends deal with a sort of depression themselves which is what makes us similar in nature. Most of us are around the same age as well, around 12-14 years old. Around the beginning of the time that I have used this website I met someone, someone who has been so warm and kind to me ever since I've met him. Words cannot describe how amazing he has been to me and I couldn't describe how warm, kind, and calm he is. I quickly formed a crush on him. Ever since the beginning of this school year I've been dealing with severe depression and several times I began to change. Recently I've had a breakdown on the site and said that I was going to leave the site forever, or at least, a very long time so that I could get to understand my depression more. Normally this wouldn't be a big deal, but that website and the people that make up it, that site has made up my life. It hurt me inside, knowing that the best thing to do was to leave before I hurt myself or anyone else even more than I already had. However, that made the people around me depressed, angry, confused, and guilty. They didn't understand why I had suddenly decided to leave them, since I was always so cheerful and optimistic in nature. Some had told me that I was the only reason for them to continue on with life, some had said that I was their only friend, and that if I had left they would feel as if I had betrayed them. Some of them were simply confused and angry. But... that one user, that one person who has been kind from me from the start, unlike everyone else, reacted with calmness, warmth, kindness, and pure wisdom, as he had always behaved. He said things that I would have never thought of my depression, of how I truly felt. And most of all... he supported any decision that I made and said that he would always be there for me if I needed him. A while before this had happened my small crush that I had on him formed into a full-blown love, and every time he came I woud have this heartpounding excitement inside me, the brightest of happinesses. And so once he said what he said in that time of chaos... I admitted my love to him, right then and there, when everyone was around. After I had admitted my love, I knew that I couldn't leave, even though part of me really wanted to. I knew that after I said what I said, after my deepest sentiments had been released, I had to stay. So after a while after that, the chaos slowly ceased, and I stayed on the site. After the chaos had stopped, he wanted to speak with me privately, and I agreed. Right when that happened, I just KNEW that he would be angry or surprised with me, for saying what I said to hiim at that point. I knew that even though what I said was true, I knew that it was a mistake to say something like that. I mean, how would a stranger react if you suddenly said that you loved them? They would leave you forever, wouldn't they? But no. That's not what happened at all. Once again... he continued to be sincere and kind with me, completely honest and warm... calm. He spoke with such wisdom and kindness, my heart felt like it was going to explode. After a longtime of speaking, he told me that if I had wanted to make our relationship go a bit further, that I would have to dedicate myself to it. He told me that he had no idea what I looked like, so that I would have to send him a picture of myself. I already knew what he looked like, since he had a picture of himself as his icon, and on Youtube videos and Livestreams I have already heard his voice. I knew that he was a sincere person and that he wasn't some old creep on a laptop. But, he respected my decisions and my rights. He said that I didn't have to send him a picture, but if I wanted to I should only do so if I get a parent or guardian's permission. He wouldn't abuse the picture in any way, and I believed him. We continue to be just friends, although he knows that I love him very deeply. I am very tempted to form an online relationship and/or a platonic love with him, and I am very tempted to send him a picture. However, I told him that I would tell my parents first... because I would feel guilty if I didn't and I also know that it would cause problems if I didn't. Also, he would only trust me if I did. After I said that, he said a kind farewell and I haven't heard much of him since. I've spoken to him a few times but since his computer has been having issues he would say something to me and once I would reply he would never respond back. The main problem I'm having is that this person... he's seventeen years old, and I'm thirteen. He lives in Texas and I live in Illinois. He's in high school and has a job and I'm just a child, getting myself over my head. He's so much wiser than me and I almost feel like a clown compared to him. But even so, I've grown very passionate for him and I want to form a strong, loving bond with him so much. But's he's such a busy person and I feel like I'm in the way. Also... whenever I cry for his presence, for him to comfort me as I spill my heart and soul to him, he's normally not around. I long to be with him so much it's tearing me apart so much, and it's making my depression so much worse. I've been thinking of such silly things, such as disappearing from the world forever, running away somewhere, with both of us holding hands... I know that these are idiotic thoughts, but that just shows how passionate I feel about him, and the more he's not around, the more love I feel for him. I want to take a step further with him, but the problem is telling my parents about him. How could I? How could I fell my parents that I fell in love online with a seventeen-year-old? I could only imagine how furious my father would be, and how disappointed my mother would be. I want to be with him, but I know that I'll only have my heartbroken, and that my parents will refuse, even though I feel so passionate. This love, it may be childish and stupid, and everything I think about with him and I may just be a bunch of delusions, but I know that it's all real. He was the only one who truly understood me and he was the kindest person I've ever spoken to in my entire life. Based upon past experiences, I know that my parents won't understand and that they will forbid me to form a relationship with this person, even if I do love him with all my heart. He's... the only one who has truly been there for me, even if he's not here now. I will never give up on him, no matter what happens. I will never believe that he's a liar and I will always believe in him.

Because of how my parents will react, sometimes I think about running away. Sometimes I think about running away somewhere, where I can do whatever I want and form the love I've always dreamed of. I trust this person and I know he's sincere and honest of his identity and personality. What do you think I should do? I can't tell my parents... or at least, not now...

[Kuriketto]

Thank you for your time; your comment was very helpful and got me thinking.

My whole life now... it just feels like afantasy that will never come true. You don't know how much I've grown to love this person. It would destroy me to let go, to give up on this person, especially since I've felt this way for years. I always knew that I was just a foolish child, getting over my head with all of these fantasies of mine. Because of my depression, I've started to look around me and no longer love the people I used to love. My parents... although they are the greatest parents a girl could have and care about me so much... I've started to not love them or any of my friends as much as I used to and have seperated myself from them. I've always preferred to be alone, and I've been a loner fo most of my life, since that's just my natural personality. And meeting these friends online... they were and currently are the only people I like to be with. And meeting this person, whom I've grown to deeply love... it's like he's all I have, even though I do have parents and physical friends. I know that this entire situation is dangerous and I should stop right away... but I can't let the possibility of him being a predator sink into my mind. I can't just get rid of these emotions after years of forming. It would tear me apart, getting rid of the one thing that keeps me moving every day. I know that I'm a naive, obstinate person and I can't help it. But sometimes, I think about leaving things as is, not letting things get better, not letting things get worse. Sometimes I feel that if I continue to be like this it won't bother me once time passes. Perhaps this will just become my everyday personality. Besides... if he is the one that motivates me to continue life... perhaps things are as they should be, as long as I don't change anything? I know that all of these thoughts are unhealthy, but deep in my heart this is how I feel. Regardless, what you've said got me thinking twice about certain things. Thank you for all of your support and wisdom, and thank you especially for helping a stubborn child like me.

Life isn't an anime, where the small, sixth grade girl falls in love with the boy in high school. How unfortunate...

[nursegirl6572]

One more thing, if you gave this guy ANY identifying information, like your real name, phone number, even a generalized idea of your local area, you need to waste no time speaking to your parents about this.

I'm not saying he is a predator, but in the event he IS, you want to make sure your parents are aware immediately.  Young people are targeted by online predators every day.

[nursegirl6572]

Hello and welcome.

I'm going to be VERY honest with you.  This whole site is BAD for you.  You and the other members are very co-dependent.  Telling each other your forum friends are their only reason for going on?  That's VERY unhealthy.

As for this guy....you are way too young to be trying to trust ANYONE online in a romantic way.  I'm SO glad you have enough sense to talk to your parents first, because at least that way, they would have put a stop to this whole thing, which is exactly what needs to happen.  .

You say you know he's not some creep on a laptop.  HOW do you know that?  Because you've seen a picture that HE posted of himself?  And heard his voice?  Oh dear, you are being VERY naive.  You are a predator's dream.

PLEASE reach out to your parents, let them know what's been going on, and then tell them you want to get some help for the way you feel.  You need to lean on your family and friends, REAL people, not strangers on the internet.  You"ve already been "running away" to this website, and as a result, you feel lonlier, more isolated, and now confused.  Do you SEE how that isn't the answer.  Turn to the people you KNOW love you and who you KNOW without any doubts you can trust.

PLEASE update us when you can,.  I know you feel very mixed up and have developed an attachment, but from what you've described, in detail, it's VERY VERY unhealthy.