Lying/depressed, and in desperate need of your help.

Hello. I am a 20 year old girl, living in england. I have, wel had a boyfriend up until last night. This time, for the first time I have deicided that I know there's a problem. I can not stop lying. I want to be honest. I really do. Every time I think Im there, I just lie again. I even lie about lying. I dont even know where it stops.
When I first came to university me and my boyfriend werent together. I was extremely depressed about a girl he was talking to, because id seen the messages he'd sent her. I got extremely drunk and did something terrible.
I now see this as a problem I have with drink, as I can not control my actions. As of today, I no longer want to drink.
9 months later, he found out about this aweful mistake. I tried to explain how horrible i felt and how its been eating me up, with this other person guilting me over it for months, leaving me severly depressed. But i know it's hard to listen to when he was in his position.
I think I felt unloved, because we haven't been officially together. I genuinly see that as why. Even when he said he loved me, I felt distrustful and upset.
Yet again ive been lying. Not about something so dramatic. but something bad to say the least. I know some people, but I am always too scared to tell him who im talking to and what about. I eventually started lying to these people because I no longer wanted their attention, and I tried to put them off by lying about myself. I think he found what Id said, and now thinks that that was the truth. By any means he is not in the wrong.
My lying is taking away my life. My friends. My happyness. I dont gain anything from lying, apart from a pure sense of hatred for myself and guilt. I cant stand it. Im sick of hateing myself for this. I just want to be honest, and Now ive lost him again. He really was the person keeping me up right. Hes helped me through depression, self harm and some other things I couldnt handle on my own. After two years of my lying I couldnt see him seeing over it. Its been a day but this time I know I really need help. I dont gain. I just loose. Im a coward.
He told me I was pathetic and sick. Im just at the end of the line now and I need help desperately. Can I ever come back from this?
Im hoping now, that Im finally trying to do something different, and make a dramatic change that it will prove to him once and for all that the one thing I wasnt lying about was loving him.
please help me stop.

[ILADVOCATE]

Think of your own recovery first. Regardless of what happenned he should not have insulted you in that manner. Its good to follow up with recovery from drinking and as for whether you have any other issues speak to a talk therapist and they can see if a referral is needed. You don't need to prove anything and he shouldn't have expectations of you at such a difficult time. It would be better to find someone who is more supportive of your recovery and you as a person but that's your decision and for some people going to a therapist together can be of help.

[FreckZ]

thankyou for reading and giving some advice. I know he only said these things because hes angry. I think it of myself because I cant seem to tell the truth. I want to so much. More than anything. we had just got back on track. we were happy, but yet again I start making a silly web of lies because im so scared of loosing him. Maybe im just not mature enough yet. Im only 20. im ment to make mistakes? But without his help and the way hes helped me learn certain lessons, I dont think i can get out of these stupid cycles that lead me into being so depressed.

[whodunnit]

Hi,

Sad situation for you. The thing with lying is you actually fool nobody but yourself mostly. Most people can tell lies from truth as repetetive lying shines like a beacon. People know you've said X before and now you say Y. You can't keep up with your own lies can you, so you worry about being caught.

Can you come back from this? Yes, of course. Stop lying as you are truly the only one you hurt. Others see it for what it is, jealousy, bitchiness, mean and whatever but they get over it and just write you off as a liar whose words mean zip. You know that.

Much as this guys words must have hurt you can you say it's not the truth? If it is you should thank him for giving you the message you needed to reconsider the way you live.

Drinking is your choice. You know how you behave when you drink so you decide.

[luri]

    You are so young , You seem to realize all the mistakes you've  made, Its part of growing up, You can be your best teacher, Stop doing things that hurt you, The truth feels so good to tell, Its liberating,You don't have to be on guard  trying to cover up everything you have already said,
  Find out what you are here on earth to do with yourself, If you are straight with people, you'll get the same treatment back ,Again, you are so young. You have already learned a great lesson, to much booze only makes more problems for you.
    Drinking makes me so sad the next day I just stopped, It magnified all my  problems, I also did really stupid things ...It's not an answer...Just work on your personality.. Let the boyfriend go for a while....take care

[FreckZ]

I know your right. and I know hes right. I cant stand myself for it. every time I try to be honest I get scared and lie about things that dont even need to be lied about. Its happened too many times and now the things that I do say, that are true, dont mean anything. Every time I make promises, I break them. Not intentionally, it just happens, almost without me noticing.
I dont think him calling me sick a pathetic is truthful. Im not sick. Im not pathetic.No matter how much I may think it of myself, telling myself that is not guna help me get better, is it? it never has before.
I know from reading what you all have said, I can do this. I just need to prove it to the people who matter.
thankyou for your time.