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Memories

I found out that when i was 7 years old my mother used to beat me up every time i messed up in school, my sister told me. I  remember messing up in school a lot but i have no memory of her beating me up.  I have memories of my father beating my up when i was 5 years old... that was before he left. Me and my mother used to sleep in the same bed, since i was born until the age of 8. I'm wondering if sleeping in the same bed is causing my brain to block out any bad memories of her, or if something traumatic occurred and any bad memories of my mother are being blocked from my consciousness.  I'm wondering how much of affect the beatings could have had, and anything else i don't remember.  Every time i try to start a relationship with someone, i get extremely depressed and literally start going crazy, I've been this same way since i was 12... that's when i had my first relationship and my first mental break down.  I'm just wondering if there is a way to remember what i can't remember.  I'm content currently and not in any mood that will cause me to self destruct... but I'm just wondering if anyone knows of a way that i can remember what occurred between me and my mother, how can i remember?
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Hi, you could talk to a therapist or a pdoc, they might be able to help.  Sorry for you bad experiences.  Take care.
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Hi,

You have a lot of questions but you don't really give much info about what has happened to you illness wise. You say you had your first breakdown at 12. What actually happened?

Sleeping with parents will not cause your memory to be blocked out. Your mother would have done that to make you feel more secure.

Ask yourself why you can remember your father hitting you but not your mother.

Is your sister reliable and is her memory accurate? Would she know who hit you, ie did she see it? Or is it second hand info. Trust your own memory first, always.

Children do block out bad things that happened to them and any violence is likely to be covered over for at least the period of childhood. That's natural and is a survival instinct.

It is when we interact outside the family that old experiences can surface and destroy our present, and future.

Clearly therapy, talk therapy is indicated for you and it will be difficult talking through things as you always feel there are hidden memories that you just can't dig up.

That's how I felt but, in the end, the problem was as plain as day. I had just been taught to ignore it so I did. For many years into adulthood too.

There was a fad of memory recovery a couple of decades ago, to the point where therapists, or rather, lunatics, were inducing false memories usually of sexual assault by a father of course.

If you can't remember it then don't worry about it. If there are such memories they will surface when you are ready for them and not under pressure to create them.

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It does sound like your mother was protective of you, probably from your father.  I wouldn't "try" to remember something, but because of your relationship problems you do need to get help.  A psychiatrist can get to the root of your problem(s) and help you deal with any unresolved issues and lead a normal life. I don't like to assume anything with people I don't know, but could it be that your sister is jealous of you and your mother's relationship back then?  This may be why she told you this?  I truly wouldn't think about it, if it happened you may remember in due time.  I was sexually abused as a child, by my father and brother, my psychiatrist help me to deal with it and I have no issues today as a result.  Sounds like you have enough to deal with, get into therapy and "if" this happened it will come out in therapy and you will be able to cope and deal with it.  As children we are victims, with no control, as adults we have choices and all the control.  Get into therapy so that you can get on with living a happy life.  
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HJi Mammo,

Thank you for your words to Cad. I'm relieved you are generally in agreement with my feelings although we can't know. The mother did seem protective from what Cad told us and kids do remember things as they want to, ie Cad's sister.

Glad to hear you dealt with what happened to you. I don't know that I have the strength to recover from such abuse. I do so admire people who come through it and show strength. Which you do by speaking of it without compunction.

Bless you, although I'm not religious!
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