I dont really know that its worth discussing but i didnt see it posted anywhere else. I dont think i am depressed but my whole family thinks i need to seek help. I had a miscarriage amost 3 weeks ago and in the last few days i'll admit, i have been having mood swings. I have been crying alot, but isnt that normal? I understand that the first part of the grieving process is denial which everyone seems to think is happening to me.. i just dont believe that i am depressed.. i havent ever had that problem before. I have been acting differently i will admit, things are upsetting me easily, i am laughing one minute and crying the next.. i dont know, any advice?
Yes it is part of the grieving process.you have a traumatizing thing happen to your body and your spirit.
I dont know If you sas the previous post but I had a miscarriage over 30 years ago and I still grieve for the child I didnt get to know.
You tak as long as you need to grieve and give yourself time to heal spirituall and physically. I have found when other place awkward demands on you its because they feel awkwark themselves and dont know what to do.
keep coming here to talk all you want.I will listen.Sometimes that is just what we need is someone to listen.
I dont know if you still check this forum or not but i recently had a miscarriage and a d and c and i think i am fine one day and the next the whole world is coming down and all i see are pregnant people everywhere. We have been trying again which make me feel better until i get a neg test or some other bad news and i am right back there again. Nobody understands unless they have been there. My husband bless his heart tries really hard to understand and he has his sad moments but he didnt carry the baby and even though i wasnt pregnant long i still had a life inside of me that i never got to hold or meet. IT SUCKS!
i know what you mean i lost my baby at 5 weeks on october 5 2007 and i took it very hard but keep tring just take care of your self so that you wont miscarrie again..... yeah these is drving me crazy..too all i could think at times is how bad i want a baby...and in a knap of fingers it was taken from me ............ sometime i think that maybe iam not worthy of having a child..... i believe in god but it really hard to find an answer to this,..................i dont understand how a person that never had pLANS of getting pregnant gets pregnant and how some many people that a drug addicts and just people that dont desive to have a precious child and t do.......and why not me me...............................................THE TRUTH IS YOUR NEVER GET OVER IT UNTILL YOU HAVE A CHILD IN YOUR HANDS................SORRY FOR YOU R LOST.......BABY DUST
Don't forget that your body is going through changes once again now that you are not pregnant. Your hormones are adjusting. It takes over a full month for your body to get back to normal after a miscarriage/d&c. The same thing happened to me Nov. 8 and I am still coping. My hormones are all over the map. They don't help contributing to your mood though. Make sure you do something good for yourself. Like a mini-reward for all you have been through. Nourish your spirit and the body follows. Write if you need to vent or report progress!
Thank you all for sharing your stories. My fiancee and i just experienced the pains of a miscarriage. While she claims to be doing fine...I can tell she isn't. How did the men in your lives handle the miscarriage? I know I'll never be able to fully understand and feel the loss the way she feels it...I just want to make her feel better. I miss my best friend...;-(
You sound like my husband. . .it's been five (5) days since I miscarried and he's walking on eggshells! He doesn't know how to help me through this pain which is the most horrible pain I have ever felt. This is my second miscarriage and it seems like I am more alone than with the first on which was cost me a fallopian tube! I wish I knew how to tell you how to be there for your fiancee, but I don't know how to help my own husband. I plan to speak to a therapist next week to find some assistance. Maybe you may suggest she do the same. I wish you much strength and comfort for you and your fiancee. It's tough, but we'll all get through it. Take Care!
I am so sorry for all your loss...I too had a miscarriage over 5 years ago. I was 12-15 weeks when I had my first doctor's apt there was no heartbeat so I immediately had to have an ultrasound that same week.
I hoped and prayed for a miracle but that Friday I knew just by the look the tech gave me…he then said "I'll fax the info to your doctor so he could let you know your results" later that day my doctor's office called to schedule an apt to discuss the results and schedule a D&C the following week.
We were/are so devastated even today I think of baby "Justice, our little angel” and what could have been but I know in my heart it was ment to be for whatever reason. At least I have to tell myself that everyday.
My dear husband tried to make me feel better but he was hurting just as much as me. I thought to seek therapy but my husband wasn’t up to it so we did what we thought was best for us and that was to try and have another baby.
After the loss of “Justice our little angel” I wanted a baby so bad…it took us a year to finally conceive and have Alex “our angel”. Though we were so grateful to have a baby to hold and take home we were unable to keep him because 4 days after his 2nd birthday he suddenly passed away…he was a very happy baby and 2 year old!
I must remind myself to take each moment as if it were my last and be grateful for what I have even though all I want is to have a family of my own with both “our angels” Justice and Alex but I understand they will be with us in spirit.
It has been 8 months since we lost Alex “our angel”. I am also a little over 8 months pregnant but am having a hard time appreciating this gift of life. I/we are seeing a therapist for grieving and understand the cycle of grief is a forever process that supposedly heals with time.
Though my situation is different I understand loss and am truly sorry for yours! All I can say is accept the process of grief wherever and whenever it appears for holding in your pain is not healthy. Believe me, this I know all too well.
Hey i had a miscarrage like two weeks ago i went to my doctor like couple of day ago he did alot of exam he said i was very early pregnancy i did not even have a sac he said everthing looks fine it was not a major miscarrage i was very early I am ovulating today i really want to try again but i am scared what should i do with my first pregnancy i had a very health one. Should i try again thank you .
I'm sorry that you had a miscarriage. It is a difficult thing to deal with, but it happens to many women.
I had a miscarriage back in October 2004. I don't think I went through the grieving process, but I did go through some hormonal swings for about 6 weeks after. My husband said it was like I was PMSing for 6 weeks until I finally had my period. For me, I was sad, but accepted what happened as what God wanted in my life, for whatever reason, and I just figure our child went up to heaven, it was God's job to raise the kid up there, not mine. I had a D&C. The weekend after I had it, I had gone out shopping for clothes for my nephew who had just been born. I didn't think anything of it, didn't upset me to shop for another baby, but it did upset my husband. I think people deal with grief in different ways. People told me that I was in denial. It wasn't denial. It was just a different way of dealing with grief.
My husband went through quite a grieving process. I think it was harder on him than it was on me, actually. But, although I didn't grieve except for maybe a week after my D&C, I still remember the date I found out I had my miscarriage, and I remember the date I had my D&C. My memory of that whole time period is so vivid. My husband however does not remember anything of it anymore and couldn't even tell me what month I conceived, how far along I was, when I found out I miscarried, etc. You are the only person who can figure out if you are going through the grieving process well enough or if you need a counselor or someone to talk to about it. I did not take any antidepressants after I miscarried because I wanted to conceive again and I did not want to have any medication in my system before I did.
The doctor told me that if you miscarry, you are generally more fertile and conceiving again sometimes can be easier. She thought I'd be pregnant again within 4 months. I got pregnant again 3 months later. It took me years to get pregnant the first time around, so I was afraid that it would take me years the second time.
I completely understand what you are saying about grieving and the time it takes and the difference in grieving in general.
I had to have a D&C at 10 weeks. We went to hear the heartbeat of our baby and it turned out we were going to have twins but there were no heartbeats. Although I knew this could be the result (from others), I was still upset and my hisband was really upset. I feel like I trained myself to expect this.
We grieved as people do. Now we are "back to normal," as we were before the pregnancy; however, I have felt horrible anxiety since the incident. I am trying to figure out if this is something women feel after this happens. I am not pms-ing or cranky or crying. I am just full of anxiety. Sometimes this feeling is really intense. What do you think?
I write to you b/c we seem to have the same attitude concerning the issue - no real depression, no antidepressants, etc.
I just read through the postings... we had a miscarriage 12 days ago and I'm still not right. I threw myself into work for the 1st 3 days... then had a melt down.
My husband tried to 'bring me out of it' but what really helped was he just held me while I sobbed... I was able, for the first time to tell him about all of the pain.
The joy and glow of carrying a living thing - and the devastation of having it die inside me. And the abyss of sheer emptiness that I feel. The extended reminder of the miscarriage, every time I use the bathroom. The clothes that I don't need now. The pain of talking with my family... knowing that they were as excited as we were and that they lost a niece/nephew, grandchild, etc. Feeling like I let them down. The fear that something is wrong - that I did something wrong, that something is wrong with me.
And the change. In 8 weeks we had completely changed our priorities, the direction of our lives - and now... what? Keep on that path? That seems empty. Go back to where we were? That seems empty. I feel so stuck. Every step seems to be an effort. I just want to change everything.... change anything... just to make the pain stop. Just to feel something. Love something...
The day we had the miscarriage we saw a double rainbow (one rainbow inside another). it was wonderful. And I do believe in God abundant love. I do believe in hope - but to me that doesn't mean that this isn't awful. And that it hurts any less. I believe that faith isn't just about good stuff. It's about believing, hoping, knowing - even through the bad stuff.
"If you're going through hell, keep going."
"Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not OK, it's not the end."
I wish you peace, tears, joy, sorrow and love. I hurt the amount that I loved,
I am going through a real hard time right about now, and have been ever since i had a miscarriage. At 17 years old i was at work one day and started feeling very very sick, i threw up and then went home early for the day, everything seemed fine when i came home. but later that night was sicker than ever, throwing up non stop. I then thought i was fine to work the next day but started feeling real faint and dizzy, and run up to my boss and said i didn't feel good and as i was saying that i passed out, and could not remember anything. To my suspicion I took a home pregnancy test and then found out that i was pregnant, when i found out i was 5 weeks. Although being quite young, my boyfriend and I we're pretty suprised, yet very very excited we started telling everyone, we got a bigger way nicer appartment, and i started taking care of myself more and working more. Probablly two weeks after i found out i was pregnant i started throwing up and it did not stop for two months. I evanntually went to the ER twice in one week, for being dehydrated. Throughout my pregnancy i could not hold down any food drink anything nothing. I felt like something was wrong and told my OB/GYN that i wanted an ultrasound or something to make sure everything was okay. I never once had any bleeding or pain, just couldn't eat at all. I got a whole bunch of vomiting medicine that dissolved in my mouth, and also suppositorys. I then went to my next appt. and i had lost about 15lbs since the start of my pregnancy. They then tried to listen to the heartbeat, and didn't get anything but said it was okay since i was so early on i wouldn't be able to hear one anyways. I knew that something wasn't right, i mean i had never been pregnant before but anyone would be able to tell that this wasn't just severe morning sickness, it was more than that. Knowing that on my boyfriends side there are twins, they scheduled me in for an ultrasound. By the time of my ultrasound i was 12 weeks,and more than 15 lbs lighter then the start of my pregnancy.I went in thinking i'd be seeing two heartbeats, and it turns out there was only one fetus with no heartbeat. I remember sitting there staring at the screen, just like aww thats going to be my baby, but it's so small. But the doctor wasn't saying anything she was just staring at the screen, and then called someone else so i knew something was wrong, she then comes in and tells me, that there's no heartbeat and that the fetus looks to be only 8 weeks. I was in shock i didn't believe it i thought there was some way to make the heart beat or something. i couldn't even speak. I then had a D&C done the next morning of May 8th. I honeslty didn't sleep for at least 4 days after that. and it is still hard for me to sleep, i can't even talk to people about it. it's so hard, i just want to be able to talk to someone who understands, but being only 17 most of my friens haven't even thought about having babys let alone gotten pregnant, so it's really hard. i just hope my story helped someone and if anyone would want to tlak that'd be great and would mean a lot!
This was my husband and mine's first pregnancy and we we thrilled that we got pregnant in just two months. I think the hardest part, is the excitement that is built up around it for you, your partner and all of your family and friends. Your mind set changes, you start doing things as far as eating and exercising for your baby and your entire life is already changing in a few short weeks for someone growing inside of you. I loved being pregnant, I loved knowing I was eating all the right foods and taking all the right vitamins to ensure that my baby would be healthy and happy. Then, at 8 weeks, while I was on vacation, I started having severe cramping and spotting, which turned into full blood flow and clotting. It all still seems like a nightmare to me, it happened late at night and I was at the hospital for hours, in and out of just pure exhaustion. The constant reminder of the cramping and the blood flow is the hardest for me. I keep praying that I will go the the bathroom and one day, there just wont be any blood that keeps serving as a constant reminder that I lost a child. I think if I hadn't seen it's tiny body forming and heart beat on the first ultrasound it wouldnt be so hard, but that made him real to me. I know that I will get through this, my husband has been doing everything he can to make sure I feel better, I am truly blessed by having such an amazing man to help me get through this. I feel like lying around all day and really doing a whole bunch of nothing productive. It's tough, I understand your pain just as you are understanding mine. The important part is, that we know how strong women are and that life is more than just one moment and we have the power to create our own moments and move on to an amazing life. Im caught just like you, part of me just wants to sit around and part of me is saying, go live life, cry when you need to cry, write when you need to write, but two of you didn't die last Sunday. I pray for all of us, I know that we can get through this. For husbands trying to help, the best thing you can do is be there for her and give her some time. Depending upon how far along she was, she will need more time. The physical that your body goes through unfortunatley serves as a constant reminder as to what happened and it can take a while. Hold her, listen to her, share your feelings, cook her dinner, run her a bath, she isn't looking for entertainment and its not your job to worry about making her smile right now, because perhaps she is just not ready to smile. But the comfort factor of just knowing that my husband said, "I will take off work and hold you on this couch all day if you want" meant the world to me. God bless.
My husband and I have been married for 10 years, and actively trying to have a baby for almost 5 years. Two years ago I started seeing a reproductive endocrinologist and on July 22nd found out I was pregnant. We were so excited, we immediately celebrated the news with our friends and family. Everyone was so excited to hear this news since they feared it may never happen. My progesterone level came in low from the beginning to my docotro immediately treated me with progesterone supplements, and I did plenty of bed reast. My family cooked all meals for me, and my wonderful husband took great care of me. On August 5th, bleeding suddenly started. We ran to the emergency room, and after a few days got confirmation that I had a complete miscarriage. It has only been a few days, but I am not sure how to handle all of this. I am so sad, I dont understand how this could happen, we were so careful. My husband is constantly consoling me that we did everything right, and that in a few months we will start trying again. I was always a happy and cheerful person, I want to go back to that. I dont want to spend my days crying, but some people dont understand that I lost a baby. They think its only the hopes of having a baby I lost, but its much more than that. I had a life inside of me that I would talk to all the time, and think of before i did anything. We changed our plans for everything, and now what? How do I just keep going? I guess what I'm asking is if anyone has any advise on how to cope. What should I do, or what can I do to help make the time go by with a fewer tears.
Maybe there is something wrong with me. My wife and I lost our unborn child in September of 2007. She seems to have accepted it and moved on. For me, life and time seems to have stopped at that point. Things happen that tell me the world has moved on without me, as if the life of one person were so important time would wait for me. I, on the other hand, have not moved on and feel haunted my the memory of my little lost Hope (the name we gave to our unborn). Most of the time, when I don't have to talk about it, I am fine. When I do talk about (which allegedly is supposed to help me with it) I burst into tears and totally break down. Much like I am doing now.
We had been struggling with secondary infertility, so the day my beloved announced she was pregnant I was estatic. I immediately began to plan how we would rearrange our house so as to welcome mommy's little boy or daddy's second little girl. Then on that fateful morning when this graveyard shift 911 dispatcher came home... my beloved wife told me, with tears in her eyes, we had lost our little Hope.
Fastforward to December of 2008. I was told by my pastor that we would get to light one of the Advent Candles.. I was extremely happy...and then yep.. you guessed it.. it was the Candle of Hope. My once flesh and blood heart turned into solid lead in my chest.
When I see a mother or a father with their little girl, or hear the word hope.. all the pain of that loss is suddenly up in my face.. fresh and new.
I went online several times looking for support for husbands suffering with miscarriage and there is precious little. I guess we aren't supposed to feel all this pain or hurt or anything... but some of us do. Some of us are almost incapacitated by this grief we carry around with us with no hope or guideance other than "be there for your wife while she is hurting.(and if I sound angry it is because yes.. I am very angry about the lack of resources for the grieving father of the child)
Since I am the one hurting and almost dying with this pain, and she has grieved, accepted and has gone on with her life.. there must be something wrong with me.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, grieving is grieving, gender is not involved, motherhood is not exclusive to that. You don't have to "suck it up" because you are male. I hate that there are social expectations of men when it comes to this. I would really recommend talking to someone specializing in infertility, I know the hospital I go to for therapy, they have a fertility/infertility therapist on hand. I know when I found out I couldn't have children it totally devastated me. I grieved for months, seeing babies and happy familes made it worse. Could your spouse be internalizing as well? Have you thought about going to that type of counselling together? Talking about any type of grief, is relieving, it may not stop the pain, but you may understand how to cope with it better. I don't want to make any corny suggestions, because I know they didn't work for me! Keep on talking though, keep in touch,
All the best,
Thanks so much for what you typed.
I talked with my wife about things and she says sometimes she's still sad, but she's moved on from it. I also talked with a good friend of mine as well as my pastor. I guess I am stuck in grief somewhere. I start out ok, but then something 'triggers' the memory and I end up sobbing. Today I haven't done much on crying but I sit in silence and hold it all in. I know that's not healthy, but I also don't feel like having to unplug and go talk with the critical incident team (manly because I trust them about as far as I can throw a space shuttle).
My wife had "fetile Demise" and had her D and C last friday. She has been ok for the most part, but yesterday, she came home and wouldn't really speak to me, just said that she is unhappy, not sure if she wants to be married to me anymore, and basically said she doesn't even know if she regrets marrying me or not.
Is this normal part of the "depression, grieving cycle"?
I'm not sure anyone can qualify any part of grief and recovery as normal, but most people I've talked to about grief say that anger and resentment usually manifest in some way at some point. Some get angry towards their spouse, some angry towards God, some towards the medical professionals around them. I'm not sure this post helps much, but that's the extent of my knowledge on this
Hello. To all of the women who have commented on this discussion board about having a miscarraige, I completely understand how you feel. I had a miscarriage about 1 month ago, and am still at a loss for words as to how completely empty and sad I feel inside. I was only 8 weeks along, but from the day that we saw that positive test we fell in love with that little angel inside of me, and to have it taken away so quickly was one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. This was our first pregnancy, and this was devasating to my husband and myself for so many reasons, especially after we had just heard it's little heart beat for the first time just the day before.
I know that there is no set time for how long it takes someone to get over something like this, but my heart just feels so empty. Some days I am completely fine, and other days I am so mad that there are people out there who have babies every day that treat their bodies and their children awfully. I have this indescribable bitterness inside of me, and everywhere I turn someone is pregnant or having a baby. I feel like such an awful person for thinking that way, but I just can't find a way to justify in my mind why things like this happen, even though I know that everything does happen for a reason. I find that I constantly blame myself, wondering what I could have possibly done to cause this, even though I know that there really is no explanation for this. To say that I feel like a failure is an understatement, because I feel as though I let everyone in my life down, because they loved this baby as much as we did. Between the hormonal changes in my body and the mental anguish I feel on a daily basis, I can go from smiling to crying in the blink of am eye, and that is a scary thing. All I can say is that I am trying desperately to find a reason behind all of this, and let myself grieve as best I can without falling into the deep depression that I know plagues so many women when this happens.
To all of you out there, I feel for you, I understand where you are coming from, and I truly pray that you will get through your pain and find happiness again.
I think my depression may be more serious. I did not think I would feel this bad but today I seriously contemplated suicide. I have had so many things going on that are difficult. I lost my beloved grandmother 3 months ago. During the time that she suffured a serious stroke, my fiance took off on a 5 day drinking binge and I ended up tracking him down in a massage parlor. I was absolutely devestated. Then she died 3 weeks later. My mother has become estranged from my family and my parents are divorcing after 35 years of marriage. Then I suffered my 4th miscarrige. I have been so extremely exhausted physically. My fiance does not understand and has not been very supportive. I have only told one person about the miscarriage. I know people will look down on me for being pregnant out of marriage so even though I am 34 years old I am embarrassed about the fact that I was pregnant. Today my fiance just told me that I was crazy and needed help. I asked him not to leave me but he did anyway. I have been all alone for the whole day and sat in my car in the garage while it ran for about 30 minutes. Then I just shut the car off and sat there for a long time sobbing. I feel so embarrassed about all of this and just dont know where to turn.
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