Mother Daughter constant battle...

I'm 32 years old. I got married in June 2008 to a wonderful man.

Since as long as I can remember, I've been trying to be the "grown up" and be there for my Mother through all of her drama... I realized when I was 18 that if I did not move away, I would never be able to do anything with myself. So I found a job about 200 miles away and I moved... still I came home about once a month on sunday and spent the day... she and my father divorced when I was 11. He was NO GOOD, a Drunk, etc, etc per her comments... She remarried, it was a tragedy of alledged abuse but while leaving him, she would return, and return, and return... My brother is 21... we are 11 years apart...

Anyway... let's fast forward... being 200 miles away wasn't enough so I moved continents hoping that the relationship would be better due to the distance... maybe she won't make me feel guilty all the time, maybe she won't accuse me of everything all te time... No... it made it worse... I abandonned her... she is alone and doesn't have anybody.

I decided to get married, she begged for a big wedding back in Europe (while she could not afford to pay for it), so I did it with the help of my future husband just to make her happy...

One month before the wedding, my father passed away... while across the world, somehow, I was the one getting the call first... not my brother that lives really close by, not my mother... at that time, my mother and I were not in speaking terms because she was asking me to do certains things at my wedding, that I was paying for, that I wasn't agreeing with... I had to call my brother and inform him about my Dad... do you think my Mother took the phone and talked to me to express her condoleances??? No... I had to plan my emergency trip back to Europe, and I had to call her and tell her that I didn't want us to fight all the time, that we never know the day of tomorrow... anyway, we gathered for the funeral... the day after the funeral, she had to do this dramatic schene of laying down on her couch and cry about how it would have been best that she would have been the one to die... the day after!!! Can you believe it??? I was in shock... I wanted to strangle her... but I didn't say a word and played the game... "No Mom, we love you... we are here for each other"... she cried so much at the funeral it was unbelievable... so fake! They weren't married since at least 20years and she would not miss an opportunity to make him look bad.

The day after my wedding, she felt that I was too nice to my husband's parents... I spend all year around with them, I don't have to be with them all the time! Sorry... but they are in a foreign country... I should take care of them!!! But she got jealous that she wasn't the center of attention and she basically just left us and got in her car and left... She did accuse me to having spent too much money and that I should have given her that money since she is no longer able to work... (yes!) ...I'll remind you that she didn't pay anything on the wedding... I tried to call her to go to dinner together, she refused to talked to me (in her mind, she wanted me to go after her and beg her to please be with us!)... I didn't... so we didn't speak since then... She sent me a letter that I refuse to open, because all of her letters are the same: I am the worst daughter ever, I don't love her, I don't care about her, I don't respect her, I abandonned her... she has no one... (She lives with my brother!!! He is maintaining her living standards and he is 21 in college! How selfish is that??? She says she doesn't want to be a borden, but all is does is exactly that... ). She doesnt' call people back, she writes mean letters to her brothers and sisters when they don't go her way, she tell everybody as far as she is concerned she doesn't have family, always threatening that she should die, that we will find her dead one day... she allienates everybody and wonders why she is alone???

I have told her that I cannot stand the negativity all the time, every sunday, when I used to call, I would have panick attacks and belly aches at the thought of what she would say today, what was wrong today, etc... I asked her to get help professionally with a psychologist and she started to yell at me that I think she is a Monster and I want her to be locked up and she doesn't need any help, what she need is the support of her children and we (I) don't give it to her... I still think she needs more help that we can provide...

But now we don't speak... Most of the family told me that I need to take some space... while I feel bad about it, that's what I've done. They agree with me, they think she over reacted after the wedding day and I feel so too, but she doesn't, since I only get to see once a year, I should be on top of her all that time... I can't have "ME" time during my vacation, I got to be with her all the time... nevermind I'm married now... who cares!

I tried to tell her that not agreeing with her doesn't mean I don't love her, or that I don't care for her, that she needs to respects my decisions too... no!

A few weeks ago it was her birthday, I did not know what to do and I still sent her a birthday card just saying happy birthday whishing you all the best. That's it. I learned that she wasn't home and that she would probably not see the card for several weeks... so I sent her a text message (I did not have the courage to get the phone and listen to her tell me how I am a terrible person)... I just said Happy birthday. Kisses.

She replied that I was a hypocrite, that I didn't care about her, that I don't love her and that all I want is for her to die... I didn't respond, just tried to forget about it.

Anyway, one of my aunts called me this week-end to tell me that she went to a specialist with my mother where she was doing some tests (she always has something...) and that the doctor did say that she is severely ill and that my mother begged her not to tell me anything that since I didn't care about her, I didn't need to know, but my Aunt didn't feel it was right so she told me.

I am trying to reach my brother because she probably exaggerated the state of her condition to him, and he is probably freaking out... I told him that I was saying no to the abuse and while I don't want to have contact with her, I still need to help, at least financially... not that I can help a lot since we are still paying for the wedding but some. He can't tell her it comes from me otherwise she will refuse it...

I really would like to repair pour relationship but I don't think it's possible and I feel that it's either my husband or my mother and I should have to choose... but I can't stand the negativity, the accusatory rants on me, and how I do everything wrong and that I take all the wrong decisions and that my priorities aren't straight (Because she isn't #1)... All I wanted is for a few years break where my Mom woudl take care of my Mom, my brother would take care of himself and I would take care of myself and try to build my new life... I can't seem to get a break...

I need to speak to a professional as while my husband is very supportive and all, I don't think he can help me figure this out...

Help...

[ettebette]

Hi, Edie.  At this point in your life, it is my opinion that you need to set your priorities.  You have put out the olive branch many times to your mother to no avail.  Your mother is a manipulative, self-centered, egocentric individual, who does not know how to nurture her children.  She obviously has psychological problems, and has for years.  This is NO reflection on you.  You were just the recipient of her mental problems.  I can identify to a certain extent, because my mother is a very negative, critical person, egocentric, never knew how to nuture, and my sister and I were emotionally handicapped for much of our lives because of it.  You have a new life now with your husband, and that needs to come first.  I think it's a great idea to speak with a professional.  You need a support system, and a professional can be just that.  Put yourself first.  You deserve to be a happy, whole person, not emotionally blackmailed by your mother.  Get the help you need ASAP.  You'll be glad you did.  Good luck.  Keep me posted.

Ellen

[Edie1976]

Thanks for your support... because if her illness I feel guilty and I feel compeled to try again to patch up things... I know it  will end up badly as she only expects for me to apologize for things that I don't feel I am wrong... but if I don't talk to her and something happens... I think I will live with guilt all my life. I also feel guilty that my brother at 21 is carrying all the "Burden" on its own... Why can some people be totally devoted to help their parent and put their personal life aside and I can't?

How do you pick the right doctor to speak with?...

[ettebette]

Your purpose in life is NOT to sacrifice YOUR life for your mother's.  What your brother chooses to do is his business.  Ask your family doctor for some referrals regarding someone to speak with.  I speak with a social worker, and she's great, so it doesn't have to be a doctor.  You can also call any of your local hospitals, and ask for their mental health department.  They usually can give you referrals as well.  Please do not allow yourself to be emotionally blackmailed by your mother.  You need to find a therapist who can illustrate to you the unhealthy behaviors you and your mother get involved in with each other.  It is not good for you.  Get a therapist ASAP.  This is vital for your mental well-being.  Keep me posted.  Good luck, Edie.