My boyfriend killed himself... now I don't know how to live

I am new on here, so here is a little of my history. I have had depression since the age of 12, after my dad left us. After that, it was drug addictions, broken relationships, and horrible friendships. I am now 22, and 10 years has passed, yet still the same thing. I am taking cymbalta, and xanax... my boyfriend just hung himself about 2 and 1/2 months ago, and I still have the belt he hung himself with. I have a 2 year old daughter that I know needs me, but I feel like checking out every single day. I feel like putting that stupid belt around my neck and hanging from a doorway like he did. Has anyone else felt this way? Im guessing someone has, as this is a depression forum. I don't know what to do, I feel like checking out tonight. I can't handle this any longer... its so hard on me. I felt his cold hands while he layed in his casket, and I just thought over and over "it should have been me".... Can anyone please give me encouragement to go on?

[ILADVOCATE]

I have had some traumatic experiences as have some other people here but regardless that does not make up for the very real losses you've faced. There are bereavement support groups that might be of help in addition to a talk therapist and psychiatrist of course. You have our sympathies but it might be more help to speak with people who've faced the same loss you have.

[Kobuk]

I'm sorry you feel so bad.  There is help out there, like ILADVOCATE said.  Hope you live through this very bad time.  Hugs

[whodunnit]

Hey there,

Can't tell you how much my heart wrenched reading your post. Makes me ask the question "Why you?" as I did for so many years about myself. Why me I used to think, day in and day out. It nearly drove me mad, truly, I had to find answers.

I eventually did, took nearly 40 years but I found the answers and you know what? I don't even think why me any more. Because I know why me.

I'm lucky as many of us never do find out the answers we need to put things to rest and they do endlessly rouse us to want and end to it all. It's the pain we want to end you know, not our lives. You have a child to raise so you have to try and out their needs first.

I was indeed suicidal for a very, very long time. Mainly passively until things went wrong when I suddenlt realised I had to face those thoughts and possible action at last. I did set it up twice and tried to go through with it but both times something made me stop.

The first time it was the thought of my children, living with their mother then and still not near me today although I see them etc. I know from my own experience how such action can and will affect those closest to us. In my case the problem has carried through 2 generations so far and my children are somewhat affected. Just by the sadness of what was done many years ago, even though they didn't go through anything at all. Except seeing the effects on me etc.

To me a suicide is like throwing a stone into a pond. From the moment it happens the effects spread out and keep spreading as no one will ever understand and accept what's been done. They can't as they want to live, like we all do.

In my own case when I was at my worst, 3 solid months of enrelenting thought of suicide, night and day, I developed little habits to beat it.

I told myself firstly that it was a feeling created by my own thoughts. As such it was not inevitable, just misery from forecasting my future, incorrectly as it has turned out.

Then I started telling myself, in the mirror, each morning that I could delay it till tomorrow. There was no hurry to do it today. Why couldn't I allow myself one day to rest instead? So I did, and kept doing that every day until the treatment kicked in and the thoughts dropped off.

I still have them now and again, nothing like that of course but these days I know it is just a thought, not an order, so I ignore it.

What can you do? Well ILAD has good advice. I went to a grief group for some time and it helped. I had weekly doc appointments and it helped. I had meds and they helped. The therapy, talk therapy I did as much as I could but the results of that didn't really take effect till a long time later. But every session was an oasis, a place to rest and gather strength.

Bad as it sounds time is the best healer. The more time passes the less it hurts and the less it dominates your mind. You never forget, you shouldn't, but memory becomes more balanced and you also remember some good things about them.

Summary of comments? See a doc, join a bereavement or grief group, like people in them to you, get rid of the belt and focus on your child first and you as well. Regain your health so you two can have the life you deserve.

My heart goes out to you.

[space_ghost]

im sorrry for your loss. please hold in there.
i read this post and profile and noticed your oxy addiction.
im in a situation where everything seems hopeless and back when i drank and smoked buds it only just amplified my depression and it intensified my thoughts into having panic attacks!  
Now im sure that doesn't compare to oxy, but what im trying to say is that anything that anything that messes with the mind will intensify your thoughts whether there good ones or bad.

Remember, you have a daughter that you can hold onto.
Even if this whole world crumbles to bits.
Shes there and your there and thats you'll ever need in each other, if theres a God... hes watching you and he probably gave you that baby to get through these rough times.

[opus88]

Hi...you have had alot of very good advice here please re-read many times.
You have been given alot to carry on your shoulders and at times that load will be heavier than at others.
On top of all your own issues you are now also dealing with your boyfriends suicide...and the grieving from a death by suicide is worse than death by any other means..because of all the 'what ifs' and 'guilt' that hang around our necks too.
My husband didn't die from his attempt but he was left severely handicapped mentally and physically...his brother was successful.
I can tell you the legacy this leaves on your children......the pain you feel now is small compared to the pain your child will feel for the rest of her life by the loss of her mom and the stigma of suicide..
try all the methods mentioned by other posters you owe it to yourself and your child, this mental pain can change if you work very hard at it.
all the best to you, learn first to love yourself.

[Frankasd]

Hi my name is Frank I'm a grade 10 high school student, I couldn't help but be moved by your situation. I know it's difficult to see thought this, but your not alone. Your with us, the community, together we'll make it through this storm. Don't ever give up the fight, I believe in you. We, believe in you. I'm very proud of you, resisting is a task not many people cannot do. But you know what? Your stronger then that, you know that you have a daughter that loves you, and a community that cares. My mom suffered from depression when both her parents died. So I as a child understand how hard this is. I also know that your daughter will be grateful that you never gave up, no matter how harsh the storm is, let's keep walking forward one step at a time .

[mammo]

I feel so bad for what you are enduring, but you have to think of your daughter.  She needs you, and you her.  Your boyfriend must have been battling his own demons, and had to be desperate to to this. Life is hard, and often just cruel, make sure your daughter has the best life possible!  Throw that belt away, as it is only a sad reminder of your boyfriend, and makes you think bad things.  I'm so sorry he is gone, but there is a bigger plan for you and your daughter.  Mourn his loss, but don't feel guilty. Put all your energy into your precious daughter who is depending on you to keep her safe and happy.  We've all been there, and can relate, but it's now about your daughter and you.

[rxqueen67]

Thank you all for your comments and advice and help. I made it through last night, with the help of my xanax that put my mind at ease a bit. I haven't thrown the belt away yet, but I do plan to. It is lingering in my closet, just sitting there and I think about it often. I love my daughter more than anything, and just seeing her smile and laugh makes life worth living. I do know that she needs me, but as many of you know when you are in a deep state of depression and suicidal thoughts its hard to think about the things in life that really matter to us... like I was last night. I was in a state of solitude and all I wanted to do was end it... I am glad I didn't give up, but I also don't want to keep going on this rollercoaster. I will keep posting, and hopefully with the help of this forum and the help of my doctor I will make it through this. Thank you all again.

[mammo]

You're on the right track!  Try seeing the world thru your daughter's eyes, and it will be a different place.  I have suffered with severe depression due to so many losses in my life, to include a son and several months ago his son, my grandson.  I wanted to go with him, as he was all I had left of my son, and he fought a long, brave battle with a hideous disease, suffered immensely.  But I kept thinking of my 2 remaining adult children and my 2 1/2 year old grandson, and what it would do to them, and they'd been thru enough! I want my grandson to know his grandma and how very much I love him.  I'm here for them, as you need to be here for your daughter.  You sound like a strong, bright woman, you'll get thru this.  We're all here any time you need support.  Take care.........

[whodunnit]

Hi again,

Glad you got through a bad one. It really feels like an achievement when we do get through such a night doesn't it? You know why? Because it really is one of the hardest things we could ever be asked to do.

That is bear a burden that is unbearable and survie with hope. We do that every day and you will too, you already have before you wrote there too.

I'd like to clarify a comment made by another. They said to hang on to your daughter. A thought I used myself to resist the pull of ending it. But really what that should be is hang on FOR your daughter. As I did for my kids and millions have for their kids. It is they that need us, not the other way around. Same idea but the emphasis is on us being the one who carries the laod and not the child.

And after re reading my previous post I note I forgot to say why I resisted my second attempt. It was simply this. I realised that I wanted to live. That simple. All those years of thinking I could just opt out when I wanted were gone. I knew from that very second that never again would I try. It was after that, years later, that the long period of suicidal thoughts came but I never thought of going. Just tried to find ways to survive that awful pressure.

You've mentioned one of the keys to avoiding these thoughts. That is getting off the rollercoaster. Which for many of us means meds which moderate our moods at least so we don't go so low (or high if BP) that we are off the planet so to speak.

Talk to you again I;m sure as you step up the ladder with the rest of us.

[Hensley258]

So sorry to hear about your loss. Was your boyfriend receiving Psychiatric care for his severe depression?

I have suffered from severe depression for 19 years and have made three attempts on my life in that time. Even now I must fight the urge not to do it, so I can understand the torment your boy friend must have felt.

Like you I have a child and no question if not for her I already would have killed myself.
I live for her now and have long ago resigned myself and fate over to my treatment resistant depression.

I wish I could say that there is a happy ending for us people that are very sick with Major Depression and Bi-polar dissorder, but the reality is not usually a happy story.

I try (perhaps as you do) to hold on to hope that maybe a medication will come along that works for us.