I have a long history of OCD/Depression. It all started when I started college, back in 2004. I had so much expectations from my family... that I would be the best student and would get a great job and so on... Well, I decided (or maybe my father decided) that I would go for a Computer Science degree.
I live in Brazil, and here the best universities are public. They are also the hardest to enter and you have to do a long test to be approved. It happened to me that I was able to pass the test but, when the graduation started, I had very few knowledge of computers and found everything so hard that I could not continue. At the same time, I had a lot of pressure and expectation from my family... I ended up quiting, very depressed, and became addicted to online games. Later (in 2005), when my father found out about my situation, he stoped talking to me and stoped giving me any money. I haven't talked to him since that time.
I had no money, and no house to live. Luckly, my aunt helped me. She gave me a house and put me on therapy.
With therapy and my aunt support, I was able to comeback to college, in 2006. I restarted my Computer Science degree (we can stop for 2 years withouty losing our vacancy). The process through the course was very, very hard, because I developed a self harm thinking. The self harm thinking consisted in, whenever I was developing a reasoning, my mind was flooded with thoughts that I couldn't finish my reasoning because I was not intelligent enough. I wasn't able to relax either, because those intrusive thoughts happened all the time. Because of that, I ended up all days with lot's of headaches and depressed. Those thoughts were worsened when I had to do presentations or work in group. Because of that, whenever possible, I did things alone.
Well, I didn't give up. I was receiving professional help and also started on medication. By that period of time (2006 - 2011) I took several medications like Venlafaxine (Efexxor), Paroxetine, Citalopram, Lithium and Sulpiride. I confess that I have never been a good patient and quit the medications several times by myself.
In 2011 I was able to finish my degree. I started realizing that I was able to do things and even be able to do things well. I got a good Job. My confidence increased and my self harm thoughts almost disapeared. Today, I'm a professional Software Developer at a good company. For this period of time, I was able to finally relax.
In 2012, however, my self harm thoughts comeback. I wasn't sleeping well for about a year and started thinking that all those poor sleep nights would make me less intelligent. Those thoughts were the perfect food for my self harm thoughts show up again, and so it happened.
Then, 5 months ago, I visited my psychiatrist again. I was given 30mg of Mirtazapine, once a day, taken at night. It helped a lot with my sleep, helped with my self harm thoughts but also made me gain weight.
I was doing better, but then I started thinking that Mirtazapine could cause some kind of brain damage or make me less intelligent. I know that I have a history of having these thoughts, but I would greatly apreciate some information about this drug. I've found out hard to find good information on the web...
To me, would be of great help to hear people saying that they take Mirtazapine and are able to do just the same (or better) at their jobs, even if their jobs involve complex tasks.
Just to finish, I've already talked to my doctor about that and he told me not to worry. But I think you know that it's hard to shut down some bad thoughts when you have OCD.
And I also hope that my history could be somewhat motivational for others. At the end, I've graduated and I have a job. I almost quit, had suicidal thoughts, but was able to keep going. And, yes, I wouldn't have made it without help.
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