My life is no longer mine anymore

I'm not able to cope anymore, over the last year or so I have been getting more and more fed up of life and all its ****. I am having panicky attacks over work, my health, thinking about death a lot and after fooling around with another guy and having mutual wanking but no penetration am terrified about hiv.
I cannot sleep properly, go to bed in the middle of the day am crying randomly and just basically want to give up i'm causing my parents too much pain and cannot see a therapist till 11 august, a few weeks ago i got drunk and took a knife to my wrists.
I can no longer remember the person I used to be it feels like invasion of the body snatchers and its so hard to keep going anymore, i keep thinking i'm okay and then it all implodes again

[lauragirl23]

i know what it feels like like your out of control of you life, your self, nothing is the same you dont feel like you anymore like your watching your self from inside your head all i can say is find somthing thats positive and hang on to it no matter what when it gets dark and you feel like you cant go on hang on to that positive thought and dont let it go no matter what.. i think about death alot to, i hate it because i know thats not me this obsessive strange thinking girl is not me and i just keep telling myself it will pass and i know it will if i just take it a day at a time it will pass i know it will  for you to just hang on.. its ok...   :}

[xand]

hey lauragirl thanks for the nice response i'm doing a little better at the moment I know what you mean about feeling like your watching yourself from inside your head. One of my biggest problems at the minute is my being obsessed with things that may not happen like a terrifying fear of hiv, we did not have penetrative activity but i keep freaking out big time.
i'm 24 and feel as though i may not make 25 i am so sad all the time, but i know we are lucky for every day its just hard

[xand]

am feeling a bit better at the moment but i don't understand the mood swings one minute i'm up the next i'm down

[Cindee56]

Have you ever been on any medication for depression?  Are you taking anything now?  You are definitely having mood swings, which is a symptom.  Hang in there until you go to the doctor, hopefully a psychiatrist who can prescribe meds.  Don't be afraid to try them, it could help a lot.

[xand]

I have never been on meds but its like there are two of me the rational one and the scared obsessional one who frets and worries and cannot leave things alone.
i dont want to lose myself but i feel like i'm already gone half the time

[remar]

is there any way you can get into see your dr. sooner? if you tell them how your feeling they may want you to get in before the 11th. it's sounds like you're having alot of anxiety, we here at this site know what it feels like. did this start before or after your encounters with another guy? could you be feeling confused or quilty? try to quit worrying about hiv, their was no way you could get it by doing what you did. hang in there and keep posting, we're here for you. take care. remar

[katrina39]

FIRST, NEVER EVER AGAIN TAKE A KNIFE TO YOUR WRISTS OR ANYTHING AS DRASTIC AS THAT...
WHEN YOU FEEL THAT YOU ARE OUT OF CONTROL, THERE IS A NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION HOTLINE [phone]...
JUST PICK UP THE PHONE, AND LET THEM TALK YOU DOWN, AND MAYBE IN DOING SO, THEY CAN GUIDE YOU TO MEDICAL CARE SOONER THAN WHAT YOU ARE SCHEDULED TO RECEIVE...
I HAVE BEEN WHERE YOU ARE, AND I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH...
YOU WILL COME THROUGH THE DARKNESS YOU ARE IN, AND STEP INTO THE LIGHT, IT TOOK ME FROM AGE 11 TO AGE 56 TO FINALLY COMPLETE THE PROCESS...
YOU CAN DO THIS, YOU ARE NOT ALONE...
TAKE CARE, KRISTINA39

[xand]

I am having a weird time of it here as i said before i hate the way i'm so up and down all the time, i wake up some mornings feeling okay and then it all hits me at once, i find life itself scary these days and obsess constantly.
I'm feeling stupid for worrying so much about the hiv thing but am scared because the health counsellor said there was always a risk, i also feel deeply ashamed because he was a complete stranger who i chatted to online for all of 15 minutes. I just keep thinking i'm going to become sick and die , i cannot watch tv or read a book and on Thursday i felt so bad i went to bed at 2pm in the afternoon as it was the only way i could cope

[triedeverymed]

I felt the same way you did but then I was put on a mood stabelizer and diagnosed with a mood disorder/aka bipolar (even though I don't have all the symptoms). Have you ever thought about getting a proper diagnosis so you can get on the right meds and get back to who you used to be? I'm not saying you have any disorder but a pdocs opinion wouldn't hurt.
Keep talking too, we are all here to listen and support. I can relate and I hope you feel a bit better soon!!

[Jikan]

Namaste,

I would ask some of the same questions as others have. Have you beeen seen by a psychiatrist? Did he.she diagnosis your condition? and, did he develop a treatment plan for you, which may or may not include the use of medication(s) and/or adjunct therapy.

If you haven't seen a psychiatrist yet, it's imperative that you schedule an appointment earlier than 11 August. If you call and explain your condition to them, I'm sure that they can move your appointment up.

Self mutilation is often a sign of anger with yourself or towards anothefr person and nor an attempt to commit suicide. I don't know what your intent was, but regardless, behavior such as this is definitely not appropriate and as Katrina39 mentioned there are resources available to you prior to you taking an destructive behavior.

I  sincerely hope all goes well with you and let us know how yur appointment turned out.

Jikan

[xand]

I tried to bring the appointment forward but they are not free till aug 11, its a free service you see and i cannot really afford anything else. I have never been to a shrink before or been on any medication for this,

Alcohol is something i have given up this is day ten without it, but i have had a dreadful night could not sleep more than two hours so far and all i keep thinking is that i'm going to go crazy or have hiv even though there is a minimal risk. I used to be such a strong happy person and now i'm a nervous wreck.

The only time i'm happy is when i'm asleep i go to the gym but have given up on reading and tv i spend far too much time online on hiv sites etc, i know its not healthy but i'm suffering from major obsession here

anyway thanks for the words all of you i'm hanging in

[ilgyid]

I understand you a lot. On the hiv situation can you get a free test somewhere? I think you are really beating yourself up about what you did and this is making the stress worse. We all make mistakes and have to forgive ourselves. I think professional help will really be good. Maybe some medication and just someone to talk with will help you a lot it sure has helped me. I was dx. as bi-polar and now I understand what this does for you . I am a christian and have done things a rational[normal] person would not have done. I feel no one can judge us except God. The more I try to rationalize myself is the more I do harm to myself. I have found not to react so fast to the impulsives I feel. 5 minutes later I may feel entirely different. I have made so many mistakes by fast reactions. I try to reason my actions out before I do them but, it is a full time job keeping myself in check. I wish the best for you---ILGY

[xand]

Its gone bad again here today, I had a good couple of days over the weekend and work went pretty well yesterday. But i have today off which means that i have been really able to just fixate on all thats screwy in the world of me. I have been told by many people that my risk of hiv is pretty non existent but i feel cheap and awful for what i did.
This is my day 12 without a drink , but I cannot sleep properly and I know that i dont look good, people i know ask "are you okay?" and i just nod and smile, its like being a robot really, i gave an oscar winning performance at work yesterday of a well adjusted cheerful hard working twenty something, but i really feel as though i'm dead inside.
I am determined not to harm myself but though online and my parents are great i cannot cope with this much longer, i don't see a therapist until the 11th August and am so tempted to pack a bag and vanish forever.
I'm an adult have been for 6 years, its my life and its my fault that i'm in this situation i wish i felt optimistic or excited for the future like i once did but not anymore, the mood swings are getting worse as well, one moment i'm fine the next its awful