My life

Hello. My name is Johan, I am sixteen years old and I live in Romania.
It's painful to write this but I've come to the point that I don't know what to do anymore. I find myself in a well of loneliness and despair. I feel useless, like a burden to this world. I feel alone, not part of this reality; an observer, a shade, a piece of dispensable nothing. More, I cause pain wherever I go. I tried to commit suicide once. I ran away from home wondering blindly in the streets. I felt like I feel now, down at the ground crawling slowly because of the misery. It was a stormy day and because of the hard rain I was alone, at night, in the streets. I couldn't access buildings from witch I could throw myself off. I found a glass in an abandoned building. I smashed it and took a piece of the broken glass, wanting to cut myself. I was too scared to do it thinking about the pain I was leaving behind to my parents. I felt even lower then. I heard the constant judgement of a person inside my head, laughing at my uselessness, then another one, making me embrace the misery I had put myself into. I tried to deal with this problem in the past by visiting a psychologist and going to therapy. My family is not very wealthy and I always felt how much trouble I was causing to my parents. I was diagnosed with medium depression with high anxiety. Eventually I lied to the doctor just to stop the waste of money.
I have a constant frown on my face. When somebody asks me if I'm sad I keep it in and say that it's just how I am. I cannot share my pain with others, seeing that I can barely speak now. I am socially handicapped, not being able to keep a discussion going because of the constant fear of a screw up or making myself look more of an idiot that I already am. That’s why I prefer not to talk. I think that I fail as a student. I want to study physics but I cannot concentrate enough for anything anymore. At tests I usually screw up because of the plaguing stress. My body is broken, both by nature and me. I tried to find a summer-job in order to make up for the money spent. The only place that hired a sixteen year old was an archaeological site. I was laughed at, ridiculed for of my age, inexperience, silence and lack of physical force. At the end of the day my hands were burning because of the effort I had put in the work.
I never had a girlfriend. I fell in love with any girl that gave me a sand grain of attention. I was too awkward and socially incapacitated to be able to start a conversation or ask them out. If I come to think of it, I don’t think I have any friends. I keep myself in a group with some of my classmates just to avoid being left out and laughed at. Conversation with parents turns out the same every time that's why I try to evade it. I do not think they can help me. I was born very late and the difference between generations is huge. I was always the rat the kids liked to beat on, the scapegoat, the kid that never knew how to play any sport. Instead of this making me find acceptance in books and in study, I got addicted to the computer/ the internet. When I wasn’t so sad, I was bored. I think of my existence as a never ending pattern. I was able to predict dialogue because of the monotony of my life. To this day I hide my feelings, my thoughts, my true self. I am just a hypocrite.
Suicide is becoming an attractive option again.

[freddie8605]

I am so sorry you have gone through this and continue to go through this. I completely understand the lack of money thing, in Romania do they have a free community mental health clinic you could go to instead of going private. I can relate to a lot of the things you have mentioned especially running away I left home at 15 after running away, i never went home and suicide attempts. Unfortunately for you having to go through this at your young age, i really am worried about you and i really want you to find some help, as it is very important that you know once getting the right treatment maybe including medications such as antidepressants, you will feel better and you can go on to live an amazing life. I think that therapy could help with teaching you how to socialize and to boost your confidence and self esteem.  My parents didn't understand my depression either until later and i was well enough to explain that i couldn't control it and it wasn't me just wanting to be like that.

I really hope you find the support you so desperately need.
Feel free to massage me any time.