Hi everybody. So I'm new to this site but hopefully it can give me some insight. So my questions may seem selfish but I would really love some feedback. So here goes, my ex of over a year and I split up about three months ago. I'll save the long back story but we were close friends beforehand and I'll never regret one moment with her. A couple months into the relationship she told me that she has suffered from MDD possibly bi-polar 2. I know it wasnt easy for her to share that but I was really happy she did. And I assured her that I wasnt going anywhere. The relationship continued and we just seemed to click; emotionally, comically and sexually. However, we were both in school and I graduated in the spring. She stilled has a couple more years for grad school. I got offered a job 2 1/2 hours away and I had to take it. It was a weird summer for me, no reason because of her. I came back every weekend and that seemed to work. Though when school started back up with both got busier. Her with academia and me with work. I ended up having to work every third weekend. I could tell something was amiss. She seemed distant, so asked her what was going on. She told me that she could feel a low cycle coming on. My response was that I was there for her and she assured me that things would be fine after she got through this. That was a couple months before our break up and to be honest it was hard on me. She even told me that she's had relationships end because of it. But again I assured her that I wasn't going anywhere. Now it wouldnt be fair to her if I listed what was going on with her without mentioning what I was going through. I was/am at least mildly depressed. Not just because of her but I didn't like where I was at in life; the job, the new location, being away from friends and being away from her. All this combined kinda changed my personality. I know I wasn't the same man she fell for. I became scared. I didn't know how to react to her issues and to my own. So, I reverted to someone who was all touchy feely. (not me or the type of person she likes). Anyway her issues persisted and finally she decided to get help. I strongly supported. She ended up getting prescribed lacitimal. Something she was on before. It was about two weeks after she started taking them that I got the call. She was crying and she said she didn't know why but she didnt feel the same way about me. That she felt broken. I was calm and kept my tongue the best I could. She said that I was taking it well (I was holding it in for her haha). Later that night, I wrote her an email. Basically just stating that she is an amazing person and that she was not broken. Not questions or accusations. Just positive remarks. The next day, she emailed me back and it was kinda the same thing. She basically stated that she has many fond memories of us, that I was an amazing person and a rare bread, and that she's going to miss me alot. It was nice but at the same time felt like a goodbye letter. Anyway, thanks to the joys of social media I discovered that she had deleted me from facebook (shouldnt of mattered but at the time I cared) and some of the friends she had met through me. It kinda felt like she purged me out. And thanks to "helpful words from a friend" the idea that she was hiding something came into mind. Of course I called and asked her if she was seeing someone else. She seemed quite irritated and said no. She is not one to lie. And for the facebook thing, she told me that it was hard for her to be reminded of me. The last thing I wanted to do was cause her dissonance. So I decided I wasn't going to call her. That was three months ago. Neither one of us has contacted one another. So after all that rambling, my questions are; was it me who caused her depression?, is "normal" behavior for someone with MDD? Should I do a friendly text? (I really dont want the last memory of me asking her if she was cheating), is any kind of relationship salvageable? and any other info, suggestions, commits are welcome. If you need anymore info of the story, please let me know. I do find it cathartic. I honestly and truly car about her well-being and I hope she is doing great. But I honestly do miss her. So please, if you have anything to say let me hear it. Thank you all
Instead of stabbing in the dark I would like to hear a little more about the relationship. Who was she staying with at the time this all happened? Was she still in school? Do you know a lot about her history?
Whatever you want to tell that you think is significant. Did you guys fight, if so when was the first fight and what was it about? Did you notice that certain things you did triggered something in her?
With one of my exes I triggered a lot of past trauma without trying at all. You said that you guys clicked sexually. I wonder if she enjoyed sex but was scared of affection. It can push somebody away if you are too touchy feely. Those of us that have a mood disorder are hard to understand. I have not been able make a relationship work in the past because of insecurities that my significant other triggered in me. It worked both ways. I learned from my last relationship that it wasn't my fault it ended. If you got a manual with every woman that told what not to do or what not to say it would be easier.
Some examples, thought some are extreme, could be...
Say a lady was sexually abused by someone when they were younger. This guy called her precious and one day you call her precious. Through no fault of your own you just lost some points and triggered fear in her that starts at the bottom with the dialogue you share all the way to the top with the intimacy that you share.
I ran into this in my last relationship. I am a recovering addict and so was her ex husband. I was honest from the start and told her about my addiction history and didn't think anything else about it. I had not learned enough about my addiction to realize that one of the behaviors that triggered the addiction was obsessive behaviors. Before long I started presenting some of the behaviors of her ex and before I knew it I was acting like him. It wasn't either one of our faults. If she had came with an instruction manual I could have read that suicidal thoughts reminded her of when her ex was detoxing off his drug of choice. I wouldn't have told her of my suicidal thoughts. I would have read that cleaning obsessively was something that she did to escape reality when she was going through the abuse and it bothered her to watch me clean obsessively for ours. I guess I was hiding from something too. The first time I triggered this in her was the first time she came over to see me. The bags she had packed were unorganized and her clothes were not folded. I spent the best part of the last day we spent together before she went home washing, folding, and organizing her clothes.
Anyway that is a long way of saying that you have to figure out what triggered the thought patterns that led to the end of the relationship. You have to do this so that it doesn't happen again in the future. On the other hand if you and her get back together it can only benefit you to reflect back on the things you believe hurt the relationship. More than anything think like you believe she thinks.
Women are complicated and each one has their own story of the struggles of coming up in this world. They do not come with a manual but I promise there is one for every girl. The ones for the more complicated ladies are just longer and have more precautions you have to be aware of.
Good Luck and feel free to share as much or as little as you wish.
While it's always good to evaluate a failed relationship and learn from it, sometimes, there just won't be clear answers. She may not even fully know what happened. I think it was moast likely a COMBINATION of things that led to the demise of the relationship.
You both were experiencing big changes in your lives, and moving forward. Sometimes, when that happens, we find we sort of "outgrow" the other person. There also could be some factors related to both of your emotional issues.
I wouldn't get too crazy trying to figure this out. I think the very best thing you could do is just move on. Don't contact her...that will affect your ability to accept the end of the relationship. Also, try not to get caught up in worrying and wondering about if she is dating someone else...she may be, but the important thing to remember is that she was honest and broke things off. I will say, it was a good thing that she at least was honest with you about wanting to move on...she could have strung you along, or played mind games. She clearly was telling you that it just wasn't working out, and that's okay. Sometimes, these things are for the best, as people just change and grow apart. While a relationship can be very good at one stage in life, it can change too,
Best of luck moving on...hope you seek some help for how you've been feeling. It's important not to ignore that.
You didn't cause this depression. Now you are wondering whether you should contact her. NO, she has ended it. If you keep contacting her she is eventually feel like you are stalking her. Leave her alone.
Thank you for your responses. I was always concerned that I was the reason and that was something I didnt want. My ultimate endgame is for her to be happy. So when you or others assure that I wasnt the cause I do feel a little relieved. To be honest that slight depression I mentioned about myself, is probably a little more then that.
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