Need some support

[desertgirl]

I have struggled with depression and panic attacks all of my life. I have two failed suicide attempts. Over the past year I had three surgeries, the last one left me with chronic pain. I have been taking pain meds off and on. I started taking more than prescribed in Oct 2006, because my boyfriend broke up with me because I just was not getting any better. A couple of weeks ago I ran out of my pain meds and went thru the most horrific withdrawals in my life. After they subsided I started to feel better but was having a hard time dealing with all the emotional stuff that I had buried in my medication. And I finally felt some hope that I would be able to get on with my life. I finally got a new script for pain meds and once again I started taking way to many. Last week I got an email from my ex that he missed me. I thought that if anyone could help me he could. I got up the nerve to call him tonight and got no response. I feel so embarrrased and hurt. All of these feelings are coming over me again and I just cannot deal with them. I have not been able to leave my house in over a week because of my panic attacks. Today I have taken atleast 10 percocets and drank a half a bottle of wine. I feel so depressed, useless and wondering once again why I was put on this earth. I have no one to talk to about this. I was posting on the addiction forum but no one responds to me. I just want to be able to go to the store and buy groceries and eventually go back to work. I cannot stop taking these damn pills. I am so tired. I tried to go out today but got sick to my stomach and ended up vomiting. I could really use some words of encouragement right now, atleast to help me to be able to leave my house. Thanks for listening.

[Joystick22]

Your not alone. I almost got fired from my job today for something I didnt do which is complete bull**** and im sitting here still with rage. I have had a few to many drinks tonight but I think as long as you do everything in moderation its ok. I dont know what I will do if i get fired and I know tomorrow everything wll be hell at work. Uhh. I hate my life.

Sorry, i guess this isnt really encouragement but just know your not alone and we will get through this. Hopefully.

[QUEENIE4]

I have felt somewhat like you at some point in my life, But without the meds. I tried to commit suicide twice in my teenage years. I felt sooo down and sooo depressed. I felt sick to my stomach and couldn't come out of depression for almost a year. I went thru personal problems when I was only about 4-5 years old. As I can remember what happend to me. I cannot yet share that information here in this forum. I just feel sooo embarrased and hurt on what happend to me at an early age.It has haunted me for many years and still at this time I cannot comprehend. I have cope with my problems and cannot still express it. Only a few people now about my problems and one is my husband. He has actually help me feel good about my self. Made me feel wanted. He is not just husband, he is there to listen to me as a friend. He became a friend that would listen to what I had to say when ever I needed an ear.
That's what we are all here for. Now my axiety and depression has come back. Due that I'm getting surgery this monday. For fibroids that are giving me tremendous pain.This is a major surgery and like all surgeries. They are risks. I'm so scared! I think of my two beautiful kids and my loving husband. I don't know if I will come back. I try to keep high spirits and be very strong, but tears just come over me. I just get overhelm. Sorry that my story is very long.  
I just want to say I have been there and I'm here to listen to what you need to say. Your not alone in this world!!! I have made it this far and so have you. I know taking your life is not the answer. You posted here in this forum and that's a great way to start. Please keep on posting, and say what you feel. Sometimes talking to someone can be sooo helpfull. Also, have you talk to your doctor about the meds?? Maybe you should also seek counseling?
I'm here if you need me. I will try to answer when  possible. I hope it helps you. Take care, because I do care.

[desertgirl]

Hey thanks for being there for me, I really need it. As far as your surgery. I had a hysterectomy last year for the same reason. Are you just getting them removed? You will be fine, depending on what kind of surgery you are having you may experience some pain. I don't think I am thinking about taking my own life again. Sometimes I just get tired of thinking and feeling. I was blessed with a mind that never shuts up. I just wish I wasn't so nervous about leaving my house. Keep me posted on how your doing.
Jennifer

[396SS]

You really need to get some help.  I have been that miserable before, but I made sure I didn't abuse my meds or drink - and believe you me, that was hard because I was suffering.  But I did it, it was not easy to just keep suffering without self medicating.  I just went to the ER and they checked me into the good ole' psych ward.  Interestingly enough, the structure and meds they gave me got me back together within 48hrs and I checked out in four days.  I had lost 15lbs in a month from panic attacks with diarrhea and vomiting, not leaving the house.  I didn't drink or take extra meds because my mom does abuse her meds.  She takes a handful of valium, darvocet and then drinks on top of it, so I didn't want to be like her.  It takes some willpower not to, but when you come out - which you will, you will be so glad you didn't.  It was a few months after the psych ward stay before I really started feeling like me again, but I had to be pushed to go out.  I hated it, but my husband would make me be social, go bowling etc.  Then I met a friend and she and I started really having fun.  It was one of the best years of my life and then she moved, but I'm still doing okay.  I definitely have my days where I need to take one of my emergency Valium, but I literally cut it up in fourths.  If one fourth doesn't do the trick, I take another.  THAT IS WHAT MODERATION IS.  I drink rarely, but when I do, I make sure that I am not doing it because I am upset, just for occasions like New Year's etc.  I am so scared of being a pill addict or alcoholic, that I will suffer first and go to the psych ward before I will abuse anything - trust me, it's the easier way to go!  Withdrawals are terrible and my mom is a prime example, she is fried from all her prescription drug abuse at 55 years old.  To sum up - you need support, you need professional help, you need to stop leaning on drugs/alcohol to self-medicate and ultimately dedicate your life to going in the sober direction.  I'm not preaching, I am just telling you that I have been there, panicky (had one yesterday in fact) and depressed and you just want to do anything to take that misery away.  Panic attacks are the body being confused because you are getting fight or flight chemicals (adrenaline) and then you are not "fighting or flighting!"  So you know the only thing that helps me naturally?  I found out that if I run/jog a bit then the chemicals have been burned off and I feel ALOT better.  I HATE HATE exercise, especially running, but I do it during a panic attack and get the best relief even compared to Valium, Ativan, or Xanax (have tried them all).  Yesterday, my chest got tight and heart was pounding - so I went out and did some heavy duty yard work that got me sweating and breathing hard....then it felt better.  I hope that helps, you can feel better, but YOU have to make the choice and it's damn hard.  Take care!

[redandpinktulips]

Are you feeling better today?  I read your post today and you sounded so sad,  If you are afraid to go outside, do it afraid, take a deep breath, open the door and just run.  Try not to think about anyone else, just enjoy the breeze on your face, how beautfiul the sky looks, the branches on the trees, concentrate on nature, just keep walking until you make it all the way around the block.  When you get back home, write about how great it was to walk outside, congratulate yourself, you did a great job.  Let me know how it goes!!!

[desertgirl]

Well I finally had to go to the store on Monday, did okay but I always feel like everyone is staring at me. I have not gone out since, I just read your post and I will take a walk tomorrow, the way you described it sounded very nice and thank you for your concern!