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Never Ending Depression
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Never Ending Depression

Hi, I am a 41 male.  Married, with 2 teenage children.  I'm in what most would consider a "masculine" career.  I've been battling depression for as long as I can remember....sometimes just minor....sometimes to the point I cannot function as a "normal" person.   I've considered suicide a few times.   I was not willing to seek help due to my career and the perceptions.  However, I did go see a psychiatrist 2 months ago and started on anti-depressants and therapy.  The anti-depressants have worked to a certain extent, however, it feels like they are only masking my depression.  The therapy has been less than helpful.  Basically, the therapist doesnt is incompetent in my opinion.  I have tried to just push this aside, but the last few days I have felt a deep depression coming on, one stronger than I ever experienced.   I do not like being unhappy and cannot understand why I cant just beat this thing?   I am seriously thinking about taking my life if I cannot break this depression this time.  The only reason I have to live is my children.  I trully dont want to leave them a legacy of suicide.  However, the pain is more than I can take.  Its not explainable.  My wife does not/cannot understand how much pain and turmoil I am in.  I am trying so hard.  

Lastly, I know the reason for my depression, but cannot come to any resolution.  My parents abandoned me when I was very young and to this day have never been a part of my life.  I started emailing and calling them recently.  However, both, for some reason unknown to me, have again decided to have nothing to do with me.  The rejection, even at 41 years of age, hurts more than I can take.

I just wanted to know if anyone was out there who understands??
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hello, I just want to let you know that I am veru sorry to hear you say that, however i hope that I can give you some better options that taking your life. You are definately worth it, even if you think your not. First can you find another pshycologist, there are diffrent medications, also there are books you can read that know one has to know that you are reading, The worst thing to do is mask the depression. These feelings are real and need to come out to someone that youe trust. I realize this could be hard to do. It took me 6 couselors before I found one that I thought knew what they were talking about. I also had to accept that I needed to listen to everything she asked me to do, this is very difficult for me as I am very hard headed. I would really like to help, I hope any of this info helps. You really arent alone, and ending your journey is not the answer. There truly is a reason you are here. Find someone to trust and I promise it will get better. Much luck Ill be thinking of you. keep in touch
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Funny, I feel almost exactly the way you do, which is why I stumbled across your letter here. My way of trying to see if there is anyone who actually understands how I feel as well. I also have a couple kids who admire & adore me & see the mask I wear as a happy one. They are who I live for & I absolutely could not ruin THEIR lives just because my own is a mess. PLEASE take that into consideration - don't abandon them because you already know the pain THAT causes in & of itself. Surely you wouldn't want to wish this terrible pain that we have insdie on the people that we love the most.

I also have gone to my doctor, poured my heart out when I thought I just couldn't take it anymore. They've put me on drugs, I've taken them & just felt even more crappy & lethargic at most, so I stopped. Every time they've told me to do the psychiatrist thing. When I had better finances years ago, I tried, but I just couldn't see telling a stranger things that they either could care less about or just couldn't relate to. Nowadays, I can't afford to see a psychiatrist, but even if I could I don't think seeing one would make me feel better - actually telling my **** to someone who just sees me as a payment on their mortgage or yacht makes me feel WORSE!

Nevertheless...I can absolutely relate to your feelings of HATING feeling this way. It sucks so BAD to be in this much inner turmoil - the only voice of reason that keeps the wheels turning is the life clock ticking away until the day it all ends naturally & until then, seeing my kids thrive. I wouldn't wish this on anyone - please take care.
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212753_tn?1275076711
I understand completley having been there my self 3 different times Change your therapist so you can deal with the abandonment that is pulling you down.keep your children iforemost in your thoughts. that is what kept me me fro suicide.I just knew nobody could take better care of them than me.
Keep posting here.Know you are loved and worthy to be loved.
Love Venora
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Avatar_m_tn
Thank-you for your inputs.  I've stopped taking my medications--they do no good at all.  I was recently put on a stronger dose of Prozac and Seroquel which only made me feel more depressed, suicidal, and like a zombie.  I have not taken anything since Tuesday and feel very irratible.  

I continue to have serious thoughts of suicide.  I know I should contact someone, but I am hoping this will pass.  Right now I think I'd be better off if things just ended.  I know how crazy that sounds, but I am so numb right now.  

I am putting on a good front for my wife and kids.  But inside the turmoil is getting to be too much.   I feel if I seek help (i had one time before) I will lose my job, my career, my dignity........etc.  

I have started thinking about specific ways to end things, but havent decided it makes any sense.   Maybe the worst day here is still better than the unknown which awaits.....I dont know.  

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212753_tn?1275076711
TAke yourself to the hoispital now and get some help.Think how devasted your family will be with out you.I had to to hospital 3 times and now I take my meds faithfullt.
I pray you go get some help.Depression can be beaten with the right meds and therapy.Please let me know how you are and please please dont go for suicide.You have soooo much to live for.Dont let your children be daddyless.It will scar them for life.You are loved and cared for by so many people.
You are in  my prayers
Love Venora
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212753_tn?1275076711
I jusst wanted to add to talk to your wife and let her know what you are feeling Dont bear this burden alone I am sure she loves you and will want to help  all she can.One of the worst things I did was to keep all my emotrions bottled up and not share them with my best friend my husband.It was so unfair to him to not let him know what I was going through.So I sure she will love andsupport you through this difficult time.
Please let me know how you are and if you wnat to talk I will listen.
Love Venora
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Avatar_m_tn
Hi mate, I've been there myself and know how alone and helpless it feels. The only way i delt with it was to **** the drugs off and talk to my mates in a very frank and brutally honest way. it was hard. but my friends responded really well and were there for me and i suspect that you may find the same thing happen. at least try. talking openly to your close friends is so much better than talking to a therapist. keep it regular and let them know that you appreciate thier friendship and help. please, no matter how bad u feel don't leave your wife n kids alone. my best friend killed himself recently. i feel sick not being able to talk to him. even if you only tough it out for your families sake for now, you will benefit later on down the road for your courage. the fact that you have raised a family and lived with this for 40+ yrs indicates you are a strong person(even if you're not particularly feeling it now). it's an old cliche but communication is really what you need. at least as a first step. we're all rootin for you. good luck.
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Help is on the way but it wont be overnight.  I too am fighting depression but mine is due to taking Lortab for the past two years for pain.  First off...let me tell you I am not a doctor but have been through similar situations.  I am 43 and have a good job and hate going to work each morning...I cant stand to see the sun come up.  I have been fighting several different health issues over the past two years and have tried everything from Cymbalta, Lyrica, Neurotryptiline, Fentanyl patches, Lortab, Percocet and Darvocet.  

All have had HORRIBLE side effects on me.  I am not going to tell you your issues are not real because they are but what I can tell you is I think I can help.  Just tonight did I have a conversation with a friend that seemed to ease my anxiety and depression.  This person is very close to me and we also attend the same church.  

At the risk of seeming like a "COOK" to most people I feel convicted to share this info with you.   I would like to invite you to a web site...www.lifechruch.tv.  We are currently studying the book of Johan and how he decided to do his will instead of God's.  If after looking through this site and you would like to talk to me please contact me at ***@**** promise I will answer your messages.  I'm not saying I will have the answer to your problem but I guarantee I can get you headed in the right direction.  I'VE BEEN THERE MYSELF!  Doing it on your own will be difficult.
I hope this helps and hope you will visit the site.  I also hope the moderators on this site wont delete this message.
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whatever you do, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not kill yourself. it's so sad when people do that, because that is never the solution. especially coming from a father...imagine how your kids would feel if you killed yourself? they would be devastated and have to live with that for the rest of their life. do you really want that to happen to you? suicide would be the most selfish thing you could possibly do. you would end your pain, but you would bring on endless pain for your entire family including your children. do you really love your children? because if you do, you will NOT kill yourself.

and believe me, as someone who has suffered from serious depression for many years, i DO understand how you feel. but depression CAN be beaten! you have to find the right psychologist, and the right medication. i suggest going to a different psychologist...an anti-depressent called Paxil, i'm sure you've heard of it, saved my life. while on this medicine, i do not feel an ounce of depression. i feel fulfilled, confident, well-rounded, and HAPPY. take that from someone who's depression was probably worse than yours. it may not work for everyone, but i would highly reccomend talking to a doctor about it. and please, suicide is NOT the answer...please trust me on that one.
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Avatar_f_tn
"Suicide is a PERMANENT solution to a TEMPORARY problem" PLEASE listen to all these good people who have taken the time to try and touch your heart. I too have suffered with chronic depression most of my life, and have been on many different meds. Like many other people I have taken myself off medications several times over the years, only to crash and burn. Stopping your medication without consulting your Dr. can be dangerous for obvious reasons, but you also run the risk of developing a resistance to the very thing that could save your life. PLEASE BE PATIENT!! Some meds can take up to six weeks before you feel the full effects, everyone is different and what may work for one person may not work for another. Just like a pair of pants, you keep looking and trying on different pairs till you find that perfect fit. You WILL find that perfect fit, as long as you keep looking.
During a really rough time in my life, I convinced myself that the best thing I could do for my son was to kill myself. Having experienced my first loves suicide, I opted to go see my doctor instead. My doc asked me why I thought my permanent absence would be good for my son. I told her I didnt want the depression to rub off on him. Then she asked me" But then what if he does end up with it? Who will be there for him? Who would understand more than you?
You said your depression comes from your parents abandoning you. What is suicide if not the harshest form of abandonment?
Hang in there my friend, keep looking for that miracle, its out there.

Who will be there for your children?
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I  know what you're saying.  I was given up for adoption when I was two; abused by my adopted father and brother; have a biological family history of depression, have tried to commit suicide 3x in my life (tho not recently).  I committed myself to inpatient hospital at one attempt; it helped a  little.
   The pain of  depression  is real like a broken limb.  The general population may not understand that but I assure you people here  do.   You have to fight,  for a new counselor and different meds.  It is not unusual to try several types of anti-depressants before finding the right one for YOU.  
   Everyone's chemistry is different, as are the life challenges and experiences.  All are valid.  Your Life is valid, and your children love you, even through your fog.  Just  focus on  getting through one more day;  one hour at a time if need be.  You are valuable and people love you.  They do.  Depression is anger turned inward.  Turn it outward and fight your insurance, or whomever to get the right treatment.  You deserve to feel normal again...  
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I have had major major depression for probably 25 years.  I have taken everything: prozac, zoloft, trazadone, wellbutrin, i cant even remember all the different combos i have taken.  you name it i've tried it. i finally TOLD my DR that i need aderrall.  it has lifted the black cloud that held me back from socializing for those 25 years.  Ask and ye shall receive.  Those Psychiatrists see 20-30 patients a day.  You need to know what will work for you.  I found this med and my life is completely different.  It's not perfect. you may become addicted but i would rather have 10 years like this than 40 of what i had.  Different topic but what dose do those who take Aderrall take?
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by the way i made 2 suicide attempts under the treatment of a psychiatrist prior to aderrall.  aderrall doesn't completely cure that impulse because you do crash.  (need xanax to take that edge off) but you know the next day you have more meds.  sounds like an addict.  call me what you want but i have never had more motivation or hope than i do now. im just going one day at a time in a different sense
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theres probably nothing i can say to help you.  what i can say it that when i have shared my suicidal thoughts to others their unanimous response is "that is so selfish".  I am single, no kids, but i do have neices and nephews and have been told that they worship me.  So no matter how bad i feel about myself there are some people who would miss me.  Believe me i was on the verge last night but i don't want to traumatize a 11 year old neice, 8 year old nephew as well as my 76 year old father.  So you HAVE to think about them too.  I have about 90mg of xanax plus 600mg if seroquel that could end it right now.   I could be gone by the time this posts and i wouldn't miss this trauma called life.  I pray that some day something good will happen to me.  Its very hard living in a family where out of 6 kids you are the least successfull.  Doctors, Lawyers, Investment Bankers.  People that have more money than i will ever see.  Alot of pressure.   And when you're known as the drug addict, mental institution patient, **** up, the spotlight is on you even more.  Suicide is a constant thought for me.  Aderrall has really helped me for the last 6 months but how long can this addiction go on.
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Hi, I am 27 and I've been battling depression my whole life too. I just wanted to thank everyone on this site for reminding me that I'm not alone in this battle. I've been through 2 rapes, my neck has been slashed, I've been abandoned and abused and I know how hard it is sometimes to want to live, with or without these kinds of events. To the guy who is considering suicide, please don't do it. Get a new doctor and have faith that it WILL get better. It's important that people who suffer from depression help and support each other. Some of the greatest heroes and artists were depressed. Please know that your family loves you and even ppl you don't know care about you. Thanks again everyone, J
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Creston

Suicide like others have said is permanent.

You have children,  no matter how bad you feel, do you want to mess your kids up for life with PERMANENT abandonment?

You know what that will do to them, any clue?

A close childhood friend is so messed up even with therapy, she cannot get close enough to feel love.

If you are on Seroqual and Prozac, has your diagnosis been Bipolar, Seroqual is an atypical Antipsychotic, I know I'm on it.

Going off your meds is a really bad bad idea.  Depression like you (and I) have is a brain chemical imbalance.

I had a pdoc who I just felt didn't help me, but then I just let things slide, for 5 yrs, and that in retrospect was hell.

Go to your local ER, there you will get some better meds, and immediate access to some therapy and a pdoc. Suicidal ideation is taken as seriously as a heart attack.

If you don't want to live, do it for your kids, Suicide is the most selfish thing you can do.
I tried really hard to die, and boy I had some seriously angry people due to my actions.

Get the help now. not later, not now because it's xmas, just do it.
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I appreciate everyone's concern, but if you look at the date this was from June 2007......18 months ago.  I am not suicidal or anywhere near depressed as I was then.  
I have no idea why someone chose to bring a post from 18 months ago to the fore.  

Does lead me to ask how one goes about deleting old posts so folks do not wittingly or unwittingly drudge up past wounds.  

I wont be able to check back for a few days as I have limited access to internet for a few days.  

Creston
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What a relief to read this........phew, This is like a good story today!

BIG BIG smile!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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definitely my big boo boo, and wow I am sooooooo thrilled to see you still here! Kudos to you getting help - be proud of yourself

It's part of the archives, I think they are still can be acessed for 2 yrs, I will ask about   that.

One should never been embarrassed about hitting rock bottom, it happens. The most important thing is that you sought out help. Think of it as a place to start to grow, not shame. Shame is a destructive thing, and it can reach into the deepest parts of a person. Be proud that you have succeeded in getting well.
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Hi Creston, I have been right where you are. In fact, tried for two years to overdose on Oxy, hydrocodone and sleeping pills. I then entered a treatment facility to deal with the depression through counseling and medication (Effexor, Abilify, Xanax and ADD meds). I was adopted when I was 5 days old. Everything was good until I meet my biological Mother. She again after about a year cut me off from talking to her. She was mentally challenged herself with 5 marriages. Most people would say you are lucky and blessed to have been adopted, but no matter what they say a person does not like to be rejected by someone and especially your own flesh and blood. Then my Grandfather committed suicide when I was a Junior in High School and was very devastating. I lost my religion right after that, because I could not understand how God would let that happen. I was on my way to Seminary, but then decide to go a different career direction. Today I am 52 years old and have found out that I should have become a minister as God was leading me to be. I have regreted this decision for 20 years now. So now I do a lot of Non-Profit work helping others in depression and addiction.

It is also hard for others around you to understand your moods or feelings of depression and hopelessness unless they have experieced the same. They say they do, but this I have found to be an untrue statement. My advice would be to take all of the following actions to help yourself. Why? because depression seems to run in families and there is a good chance somewhere down the road you will want to be here to help one of your children through this cycle in life for some of us. Hope is your vision of a future outcome and by just writing here I think you have hope for yourself and your family. My suggestions:
---See a real Psychiatrist for medication intervention.
---Try group counseling. If you have used drugs or alcohol to suppress your feelings call your local Narcotics Anonymous Group and go to a meeting. They will welcome you with open arms. They have all been where you are. AA is more abrasive than NA, but you will still benefit. There are also local mental health groups in most areas called various names. If you have EAP insurance at your job, use it and they will help you find the right group.
---Read the books: "Cure for the common Life" and "On the Anvil" by Max Lucado.
---Give yourself a break. Take your family on a sunny warm vacation if you are in the cold weather. Remember depression intensifies during cold coldy days and creates more aches and pains in your body. Somedays it is hard for me to get out of my chair.

If you need someone to talk to just let me know and I will give you my phone number on a secure website. I would be honored to visit with you, if I could help. Remember I am praying for you. JGK1956
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709671_tn?1252929332
u r quite right
depression does intensify during cold days...................been crying whole day for no reason whatsoever.
medication's on.
i'l try those books.
happy holidays
take care
me
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Good for you Ivan that you are on meds, that is the first step.

. It's very important to do work, falling back and relying on medications only does so much. I went into therapy twice, and I learned quite a bit, albeit I was misdiagnosed. I'm in group therapy for those with mood disorders, I have a social worker  and I see my pdoc once every 10 days of so these days.(diff. pdoc now) It's good to have a team behind you, including your family doctor. My pdoc actually sends updates to my GP so if there are any issues and I can't get into my pdoc, my GP can at least assist in the mean time.

Being proactive will take you a long way. Check to see if there's a support group in your area. We have a group at my local hospital called Changeways, what that does is learn to take your negative thoughts/behaviours into positive thinking and actions.
Many times us folks with depression get stuck in negative thinking and then it spirals out control. Our brains have be reprogrammed because of the way depression makes us feel. Check to see if there is a Moods Disorder Local Chapter, they can or you pdoc can put you in the right direction for groups.

I should also point out there are five different types of depression, and a person can have at least one, and usually do. I have major depression, social(externally caused) depression and Bipolar depression.

Do you have a pdoc and/or therapist, if not you should have. When you said you are crying and have meds on board, there might be issues with your meds, and that should be looked at as soon as you can. You need to take care of you and take charge of your health.

I hope this helps, LCC
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709671_tn?1252929332
hey hi.
i did not want o involve my family into this,they don't know that i am in depression.
so i searched for help online. now i found a center...they have counseling programs and a psychologist too. so while my therapist is trying to change my extreme negative thinking and low self-esteem and all that, the psychiatrist has prescribed me depression medicines which she told are temporary..only 3 months.
in the meanwhile, they are helping me to be realistic and trying to change my perfectionist approach to things.
they are helping me to open up as i have been bottling up all my feelings and anger ever since.
my mood swings have become pronounced though. i told my doc and she changed 1 med.
i have had only 2 sessions. i am to meet her in few days. let's see what results/

thanks for the support
take luvin care
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Congrats to you! I can completely relate to the perfection aspect. My mentality for a long time was, if I can't do it well, I wouldn't do it at all. I also used to self saboutage in school, projects and I found I did it at work quite a bit over the years.

Have you only been diagnosed with depression, as you said you have pretty pronounced mood swings, typical of bipolar. Usually meds are long term, depression is biological in nature mostly, though it depends on what kind you have.

I'm thrilled you've found a place where you can work things out, talk therapy is key. So kudos to you for getting out there to find help!
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Avatar_m_tn
Don't kill yourself. You'd leave your children with the same pain of abandonment that you feel due to your parents. My father left me when I was young and I only saw him twice after that. Once when I was a teen, and then once on his deathbed. You must realize that prolonged stress/emotional issues can agravate depression, however depression is a chemical (saratonin) imbalance in the brain. It's like other medical issues, and needs to be treated with the correct medicine. Not all antidepresants work for all people, and they don't seem to work for long periods of time. Meds need to be changed and dosages adjusted to keep treatment effective. I get thoughts of suicide when mine are not right. You need to build a support for yourself, whether a doctor, wife, or friend you can talk to. You need someone to share your feelings with. I know it's hard, but find someone you can trust. If you don't feel your Dr is competent, find another one. Remember, your children need you. Your parents were not perfect and must have had issues. You must realize that their giving you up was not your fault, but theirs. You must come to terms with that and commit to being a better person and father yourself.
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Avatar_n_tn
Keep trying the meds. Talk to your wife, she cannot know your pain but can hold your hand and say "see the sunshine" "see what your child did today" and this won't make you feel so alone.
Life a decent life coach, a priest, somebody. Mental health care is confidential. I keep mine a secret and my boss doesn't know. ON the other hand, if they found out, what is more important, being happier and helping your children or admitting you have an illness and need help. I bet they'd give you support, you'd be surprised.
I hope so anyway.
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I wrote this poem today, just wanted to share it.....


Nobody knows what it’s like..... being me,
I wish you could see the world through my eyes.
I don’t know what it’s meant to feel like or if I am doing things right.

Am I really happy or is it a facade,
When I’m told I am loved do I believe it...... does it make me glad.

I know that crying is sadness and laughter is filled with glee, but underneath is where it counts...... that’s where you’ll find me.
I’m not the giggles I loosely chant and I’m not the frustrated one, if you look closer, under the skin, you’ll see that I am numb.

Those yesterdays that moulded me and shaped my youthful mind, are yesterdays I’d rather forget, I’d rather leave behind.
They’ve been pushed and pressed to the back of my mind, and on occasions  they’ve  been let out.

I’ve battled and bled with what’s inside my head, but still I’m held to the ground.

Getting on with everyday business, ‘keep yourself busy’, that’s what they say, but they don’t have to live with it every single day.

Voices saying your worthless, what are you fighting for.
I am exhausted, shouting and yelling ‘please let me through this door’.

If only I could escape from my mind, if only for the view,
I’d give anything to see the world differently, just for a moment or two.

I know that won’t ever happen, I am who I am.

It’s not that I don’t want to change, believe me, I have tried.
There’s something deep inside of me, something that has died.

I will always fight the feelings and I will always hear her cries,
I only wish you could see the world, looking through my eyes.
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Avatar_f_tn
if you need someone to talk to im here..were all here. your not alone and everyone here is willing to help you. i think talking to an average person like one of us who feel similar to how you do is better then any therapist.  we all truly understand you and want to help.
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