Never felt as depressed as I do now & feel theres no way out

[Amber98]

I'll start by saying, im very scared to commit suicide, but i think about it every day but as of now im not going to do it, im just way too terrifed. I just came out of CAMH (best hospital in toronto for mental health), ive been there before, they can never help me. I have tried all medications (ssris, snris, anti psychotics), nothing helps. I did a course of ECT while I was there and it didn't help me.

The odd reason for my depression is my insomnia. I have had crippling severe insomnia since I was 5 years old. I dont know if it was trauma, i dont know what caused it but i havent slept since I was 5, literally. I usually go 4 or 5 days with no sleep then pass out for 12 hrs on the 6th day. It's been a pattern my entire life. It's always been due to severe anxiety, anxious ruminating thoughts. My psychiatrist is one of the best in probably all of canada, and its sad that he just shrugs his shoulders when i go to see him. He tells me hes already tried every medication possible, he doesnt know what else to do for me. I learned to deal with the insomnia till I was 21. Then i started taking seroquel and it FINALLY helped me sleep, I was up to 600 mg just for sleep, then it stopped working and also gave me tremors. I had to get off because the tremors got so bad and I wasnt sleeping anymore. I have spent the last 10 months in pure hell weening off this drug, the withdrawls got so bad. I havent slept AT ALL in the past 10 months. My insomnia has gone back to how it was before the seroquel, but now its come with depression. Before I dealt with the insomnia, i had accepted it because it was al i knew, I was pretty much born with it. Now that I know how it was to sleep well on seroquel, I feel like i want to die everyday i cant sleep, which is literaly everyday. Today i have so much body pain, i guess im still in withdrawal a little after 10 months, but the insomnia, Im done, i cant deal with it any longer. Anyone that sees me calls me a raccoon, everyone says they have never seen anyone with such black dark circles under their eyes, i honestly think i might have the worst case of insomnia in the world, my psychiatrist told me im the worst case he's ever had. Everyday is a battle to get through and then i lie awake.

The ONLY thing that is helping me and gives me a reason to live another day is clonazapam. But im more afraid of addiction then I am of death. I work with drug addicts in my career, its a terrible, terrible reality. Ive been taking clonazpam to fall asleep for the past 2 weeks, and it helps somewhat. On my days off work, (3 days a week) i dont take but i dont sleep even a minute and the suicidal thoughts come back. All my doctor says is yup you'll end up addicted, but he offers nothing else to help. Ive tried zopiclone and it does nothing for me. I tried double the max dose.

Anyway, I know none of you can help me as I sit here alone and crying my eyes out, but I realize my only option is to be addicted to clonazapam. Ive spent the last 10 months in hell on earth, i cant do it any longer. I realize i need to take it everyday because being off it for 3 days is creating way too much insomnia. So im 28 yrs old, Im taking 1mg  at night, in my mind im thinking i'll take 1mg and get myself through a year and if i need to up the dose and be a drug addict, thats when the decision to end my life will have to be thought of. Right now i need relief, its the only thing i can turn to. I already sound dependant to a drug, it makes me so miserable. Seroquel withdrawl was the worst thing ive ever experienced in my life, its been 10 months of pain, sucidal thoughts, a struggle to get out of bed, isolation and i held in there thinking once the drug was out of my system i'll be fine. I forgot there was a reason i started seroquel.

Btw, I am thinking about EMDR therapy for trauma. It's the only type of therapy i havent tried and i dont know if talking about my past will help my insomnia. hell i can live with depression and anxiety, but not insomnia. I have a few events in my life that could have caused this, but according to my dr it may be biological as my father had severe mental health issues.
1. When i was 8 my dad stabbed himself almost to death, i witnessed him bleeding out and screaming, he blamed it on my mom and there was police, ambulance everywhere on my street. The police made me give them a statement and i told them i saw my dad stab himself in an effort to help my mom, but i never saw him do it.
2. my mom has tried to kill herself in front of me several times, when i was 10 she swallowed a bottle of pills, i had to save her life. I hate her for it, i hate her for all the grief shes caused me even though today she is stable and a good mom.

my parents both ****** up my life but my psychologist told me i have so much anger towards them and the only person its hurting is me. I want to forgive and move on, and if it could help my insomnia i would. Would trauma therapy help me? My psychologist doesnt discuss my past because she says theres no point in dwelling on the past, she only focuses on the present (cbt and meditation).

I keep trying to figure out why i have such severe insomnia, like i work with drug addicts and criminals and even they sleep soundly through the night. I have friends who were sexually abused and they sleep fine, i dont think my childhood was THAT bad, both my parents had mental problems but they both loved me. Also, i have an older sister who has no mental health problems at all, shes a free spirit, it makes me hate her too. I feel all the burden of my parents mental health problem landed on me, my sister didnt care when either of my parents tried to kill themself, I was the one who saved both their lives, several times. She did the smart thing, she cared about herself. My caring is what led to my demise. Sorry for thing long convo, im just saying im 28 this has been a life long problem, but i have never, ever felt as done with life as i do right now.

Again, please dont tell me to call the police, i am not going to hurt myself at this moment, i have thoughts but will not act on them.

[CML2014]

sorry next line should  be:
  now after being sober and cutting out a 3 pack a day cigarette for 30 years, I have to go all thru this again!!!

[CML2014]

STOP TAKING THIS DRUG.....READ ABOUT IT ON THE WEB, HIGHLY. ADDICTIVE

I am three  weeks into my withdrawal---oh yes you cannot just stop cold turkey. There is an entire proticalel for coming off this drug.

You can become addicted in as little as two weeks.

Already it wants you to up the dosage, because it isn't working. That is how it sucks you in  I was on it for three years. now, after

I have to go through it again at 66 years old.

Hopeful for you
, May Trix

[Poo44clooner]

It must be pure HELL having that kind of insomnia. I think you should keep on taking the clonazepam if it is helping you sleep and stop worrying about becoming an addict. I think your doctor is dead wrong about not dealing with your past. I really think that this insomnia is directly due to what you have witnessed and have gone through with all of the suicides that your parents have attempted while you were there. Every one deals with trauma in their own way. I do believe you are suffering from PTSD and need help. It may take a long while to get to the root of your situation but I think it will help with your insomnia. I really do believe that. I wish you the best of luck and please know that I am thinking of you and that you are not alone.

[specialmom]

This is really sad to read and I'm sorry things are like this!  I have heard amazing things about meditation.  And Paxiled has given you good information regarding melatonin.  Have you had your hormones checked, by the way?  

[mandysue987]

I thought melatonin was a cancer drug?

[Paxiled]

CBT therapists believe that the past isn't important because even if you discovered something in your past that caused the anxiety you'd still have anxiety and have to learn to think differently.  But we don't know that this is true; it's a theory.  In your case, anxiety came later but insomnia came early.  Given your history and your parents history, we can't say for sure the insomnia came from early experiences but if it does for anyone it would be you.  So it does appear that you are a candidate for the kind of therapy that explores your past, and that doesn't exclude also doing CBT, but your anger is from your past, not from your anxiety, as it is with most of us who suffer chronic mental illness.  When you have real stuff that happened to you it's hard to see how it wouldn't help to explore it and it's hard to see how you'll ever get past it if you ignore it.  I'm wondering if you've ever tried hypnosis?  I'm also wondering if you've ever tried natural methods of overcoming your insomnia, such as melatonin, herbal relaxants (which would mean stopping the clonazepam first, unfortunately), homeopathy, anything since the doctors aren't helping you.  I'm not sure there isn't some biological reason behind this sleeplessness, but you have seen what you consider good docs so I'm assuming you've been analyzed for a melatonin deficiency or disruption or some medication induced insomnia.  Seroquel, by the way, isn't a sleep remedy, it's an unwanted side effect of the drug, but while it's helping you sleep it's also affecting neurotransmitters you didn't really need help with.  Now you seem to be suffering a protracted withdrawal from it, as happens when withdrawal lasts a long time and you end up with different mental problems than you had before you started taking it.  Did you quit abruptly, or taper off as slowly as you needed to?  You also don't talk about your lifestyle -- do you exercise?  Are you fit enough to exercise yourself to exhaustion combined with your daily routine?  Weight lifting or other resistance training mixed in with cardio can help release chemicals in the brain that can help some people sleep who have trouble with it.  I suffer from insomnia going on 13 years now, induced by withdrawal from Paxil.  Exercise is the only thing that helps me, though I had to stop because I'm old and injured everything, so you do want to do it correctly, but it really can help.  Melatonin and a homeopathic remedy called Calm's Forte can help me fall asleep, but I can't say it helps me stay asleep, but it might do it for you.  Diet can also play a role.  But to me, you've had this a very long time and you had early life experiences that indicate a cause where doctors haven't found one, so it just seems logical to explore that as fully as possible without giving up on the techniques taught in CBT.  Oh, and clonazepam isn't a sleep remedy either, but let's say it was the only thing that helped.  Who would care if you were addicted to it or not?  If you take an antidepressant and it works, even though it's not addictive technically, it's just as hard to stop taking and you still have to take it.  If you have high blood pressure and lifestyle changes don't fix it and you have to take medication, you're just as hooked on that medication as you would be on anything else.  You're hooked on drinking water and eating every day, but you don't judge yourself on that.  If a person gets to the point where everything else has been exhausted and the only thing that works is an opiate or a benzo, so what?  

[Paxiled]

I should add, anxiety sufferers usually don't do well on marijuana, but medical marijuana might help the insomnia as well.  And it's not an addictive drug; it has its drawbacks, but it's a heck of a lot less dangerous than antidepressants and benzos.  There's also a new class of drug that isn't approved in the US but might be in Canada that instead of targeting serotonin targets melatonin, with the notion being that many people with depression or anxiety really have a sleep disorder caused by a melatonin imbalance.  Melatonin is the sleep hormone that sets our daily rhythm for sleeping, and is produced in the body by serotonin.  Something else to consider.  

[Amber98]

So firstly thank you for your response. Secondly, I do believe my problem might be far too severe for natural products. That might just be a thinking error, but i have tried melatonin for the last few months and it does absolutely nothing for me.

Also wanted to share that today i talked to my mother for the first time in 10 months. It was the first time in my life that she understood where I was coming from and she apologized for being a bad mother, but also asked me to understand how hard life was for her. It was an emotional day but i do feel a bit lighter today.

That said, i have an odd question. My mother wants me to go to india with her. She says that she will 100% make sure im cured. She believes in homeopathy, naturopaths, monks, buddists, gurus, and she wants to take me to some really expensive guru. We dont even have a lot of money but i guess these people pray on those who are desperately ill. I obviously dont believe in all this crap, but i do like the idea of staying at a retreat, the meditation, yoga aspect wont hurt. Does anyone think escaping for a while to see if this stuff helps as my mom believes. It feels like im so desperate to save my life that im willing to do whatever it takes.

[Amber98]

Also i tried marijuana last month, they gave me the indica brand, i had a panic attack, then my whole body relaxed, but still no sleep.

[Paxiled]

Here's one way to look at it -- if you're able to go to India -- I wish I could go somewhere -- it might not help but it would be a hell of an adventure.  It would get you out of your rut.  You might find a spiritual foundation among the nonsense, because you're right, a lot of those gurus are either just in it for the money or the sex.  But guru just means teacher, so whoever taught you meditation is a guru.  I'd explore the guy, no offense but your Mom doesn't sound like the soundest person out there, but on the other hand, if it helped her out of her trouble, it might you.  There's no difference between losing yourself in Buddhism or Hinduism and losing yourself in any other religion -- they're all nonsense and schemes to some degree but they also contain true spirituality as well.  As for the strength of natural medicine, it's clearly not as strong as medication, no doubt, but it also uses a more holistic approach, so it would combine a lot of things we do independently in the US.  It would include therapy, a dietary program, meditation, etc. along with the natural remedies, but I was actually referring to the sleep problem more than the anxiety problem.  By the way, what dose of melatonin did you take, and did you take it sublingually?  Lower doses actually work better than higher with this stuff, most people don't know that.  1 mg is a good place to start, even .5mg. for some.  A lot of people take high doses thinking more is better, but with melatonin, studies showed more isn't better.  Anyway, I wish you good luck with whatever you do, and If I could get to India, I'd go just for the adventure.

[Poo44clooner]

You might want to try yoga it is supposed to help you relax. Might be worth a try.

[mandysue987]

there are a lo of meds out there some work some give you hallucinations and passing out. but they keep going until they find the right chemical to balance out your body. Effexor 75 and lorazapam have helped me a lot I was ding good he lowered it in 1/2 and a few days I called and said this is not working; so I guess I will tae them for the rest of my lie. suicide is not the answer if you want to g to another country go. try anything that will help you life is short.