No support system, in a "dark place" now.

[mkm413]

Ever since I was a child, I've had this "dark place" that I (albeit unintentionally) visit quite often, especially when alone for long periods of time. When I'm there, all I can think about is how meaningless everything seems to be and that I don't even want to be part of it. I do not tell others about this "dark place" because I don't want to be put in some sort of mental institution or have medication thrown at me. There isn't anything wrong with me. I just don't believe in being happy simply because someone decided that anything but happy is abnormal.

I have little, if any, support at home. When my husband isn't at work, he's busy or he's sleeping. My mom just wants to complain about how I don't care about anything (in actuality, I do care, just not enough to b*tch about it 24/7 like she does). They're really the only two people I have and they don't help much.

I am neither financially able nor willing to see a psychiatrist/psychologist/whatever. Sure, there are good ones out there somewhere, but a few bad apples ruined the whole bunch for me. I can't afford to waste money on someone who only wants to sleep through my sessions and prescribe medication that I don't need.

My 19th birthday was yesterday and I had to leave my own kitchen when we started in on the cake because everyone there was harassing me. My parents, especially. I hate them. In fact, I hate pretty much everyone. I even resent my husband for reasons that I don't feel like explaining.

Basically, I have a lot of problems and no means to obtain a solution. Legal issues, money issues, health issues... just about all the major problems that can weigh on someone's chest are crushing mine right now. I feel like no matter what I do, even completely selfless acts, are ALWAYS met with opposition. The simplest things I want to do end up being complicated and stressful. I rarely leave the house anymore because I'm tired of dealing with the world. I have doubts about even posting this because I feel like no one will care -- everyone's so busy with their own problems these days. Who cares if one person falls unnoticed, right?

I'm not looking for advice, if that makes any sense. I already know I'm depressed... that was diagnosed years ago. I refuse to take medication. I refuse to see a "shrink" or whatever. I can't afford to do anything, anyway. What I'd like is a reasonable, logical explanation for why I feel the way I do... and don't give me any B.S. about chemical imbalances in the brain because I don't believe in that garbage. Thanks.

[forgottensick]

Wow. Your post doesn`t leave much room for anybody to reply except to say that we do care. That is why we are here. You aren`t the only one to feel they way you do or to have to go through what you are dealing with. But that is what life is about. Learning how to deal with lifes ups and downs. When I was 19 I had a wife and 2 kids and was trying to support my family. By the time I was 22, I had lost my home,my wife found someone better than me and took my kids. I`m now 53, been married 4 times, lost 6 homes and have been disabled since I was 25. I know all about that "dark place" you speak of.
Looking back on things now, it is easy to see where things went wrong. First of all, I never really had the chance to be a kid. My dad left when I was in the 2nd grade and my mom hated all men after that. Guess where that put me in her book? I spent my life trying to get what I didnt get as a kid. Love and support.  I focused so much on being an adult that I missed all the things I needed to go through as a kid that would have taught me how to deal with lifes issues. So now I`m gonna tell you something I wished would have been told to me. And I have been where you are much of my life.  AND it is because I care.
  First off, you are 19 years old. If you don`t have the money to see a doctor then how will you have the money to properly raise a child? It costs a LOT to raise a kid these days. Also, what will you be able to teach your child about other than life *****, it is hard, and there is a dark place you can go to if you want to be alone?  You haven`t even lived. You should be enjoying these times without kids to go places and see things. Experiance things so you have something to tell your kids about and teach them about what "living" is all about. You aren`t even healthy enough to take care of yourself let alone a child too. I`m going by what I read in your profile and interests. The only way things are gonna get better for you is if you change how you are living. Part of growing up is learning that if you stick your hand in fire you will get burned. So you don`t stick your hand in fire. It sounds like you are holding your hand over the fire and want somebody else to pull your hand away for you. If you don`t like the way your life is going, then do something to change it. If you don`t know how..ask. A lot of us here have been where you are. Many of us learned the hard way how to change our lives for the better. Nobody HERE wants money or anything else from you except to see you happy. If we didn`t care, we wouldn`t be here responding to your post. We may not be able to tell you how to fix everything, but we sure can give you some ideas as to where to start. Sometimes just talking about it helps too. So keep posting.
  Dan
  

[4Maddie44]

Of course we care if one person falls unnoticed.  I care.  Remar cares.  Everyone on this depression site cares.  I was in a very dark place when I joined.

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do.  If you don't want medication that's fine.  Nobody is judging you.  Learn to love yourself if you can, not easy when you feel so low.

I find helping others on this site, just by reading their problems, and answering them, helps me.  

[remar]

I'm sorry to hear your birthday did'nt go well. You do matter.
Would you be willing to try therapy again if there were no cost? If so, you might want to check out your local colleges to see if they have therapy programs. This is what my daughter does and the cost is almost nothing. I understand about therapists and finding the right one you click with. It can be very hard. You asked for an answer as to why you feel the way you do. I see a couple of possible reasons. It sounds like you have problems with your parents and your husband. I'm here to listen and you're welcome to send me a private message any time you would like to talk.