.What I'm about to say is extremely embarassing and I have been holding this secret in for years. I can no longer cope with it, I feel disgusted, ashamed, and very depressed because of it.
Anyway, when I was 12 years old I was going through a phase where I was discovering my sexuality. I remember one night my cat was sleeping in my bed with me and he was being very cuddly and affectionate, and next thing I knew I began rubbing it against my bare groin to pleasure myself. About a year later I realized what I had done, and I was so disgusted with myself I spiralled into a deep depression. Things got better but I am now 23 and recent events have triggered this memory again. I now am incredibly depressed and have even been suicidal. I can't seem to forget this incident, or forgive myself. I should mention that I am a normal person! I am NOT attracted to animals, and this incident never happened again. I am currently a pharmacy student, i'm bright and educated, I have a good family and friends, and a wonderful boyfriend whom i've been with for six years. Other than this incident, I had a good childhood; my parents are great people and I have not been sexually abused, as I know many of you may think this is the root cause of my issues.
I have had talks with two different therapists and they both said there was nothing wrong with what I did, I was just a curious young girl. However, I can't seem to hold on to what they tell me. I think I would like to get the opinion of the general public.
First of all, was rubbing it agains my groin considered sex? I am sooooo terrified that it was. At the time I didn't think that's what I was doing! I think I was just tring to masturbate. Both therapists have told me that no, it was not sex, or bestiality. But I am still very depressed and upset. Secondly, one main reason that i'm depressed is that I feel like a fraud. I'm constantly thinking: "what if my boyfriend knew? or my friends knew what I did when I was a child"? I feel guilty that they would think I am a disgusting person if they knew, even though it happened when I was a child!! Am I overreacting? Is this something I should be concerned about (as in my boyfriend or friends knowing?? PLEASE PLEASE help me, I can't stop crying and I feel like my life isn't worth living because of this stupid thing I did as a kid. Is this really so abnormal to 'experiment' when you are a kid? I've heard that masturbating with objects and stuffed animals isn't considered abnormal for children, so could a pet really be any different??
When I look back at what I used to do when my sexual awareness was developing, it is with a degree of mortification. Children do experiment with what is available, hence kids playing sexually motivated games together. The innocent acts of a child dont necessarily link in with the conservative views of adulthood... But innocent it was IMHO.
Thanks for your comment. I guess my biggest issue is trying not to let myself feel like a 'fraud'. I constantly worry about what my loved ones would think if they knew, and I try to justify it by telling myself: "You are 23! You were a CHILD back then, so why does it even matter now?" I've often worried that 12 years old wasn't a young enough age for this to be an acceptable act, but when I think back to when I was 12 I truly was a child. I remember 'playing' like a child at that age, I guess everyone grows up at different rates. If it were you, do you think it would still be on your mind as an adult? Would you feel like a fraud to your loved ones? I'm just trying to guage whether or not i'm blowing this out of proportion.
I know that depression tends to cause ruminating thoughts for some people, and an overvalued sense of guilt for past deeds. I wonder if your depression has "latched on" to this event to torment you with?
When I am really low, I feel incredible guilt for past deeds... Really out of proportion with the event.
I wonder if planning some mantra/planned responses for you to think or say aloud might be helpful for when the guilt us really rough, and shift your focus by then engaging in some sort of distraction or mindfulness activity. Break the cycle if rumination, so to speak.
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