Part of me wants to die....HELP!!!!

[addysmom]

Okay...so I don't necessarily want to die....but there is a part of me....that wishes I would.  Not commit suicide...but actually die...for whatever reason.  I am at peace with it...which scares me.  

I am going to explain why I feel the way I feel.....

When I was 14 I was raped...by my "boyfriend" at the time.  He was my first kiss, first love, first past "first base"...but as a young girl raised in a Christian home...I would not have sex with him.  So....he raped me. My parents to this day do not know.  ( I am 23.)  When I was 16 I started "talking" to a boy I went to church with.  We had so much in common and my parents LOVED him!  However, he verbally/emotionally abused me for two years and when I was 18 I found I was pregnant with his baby.  I went off to college...hoping to conceal my pregnancy...and he called me 2 months after starting college saying that he had gotten someone else pregnant and was going to marry her! (they are still married and happy....which is great)

I ended up miscarrying that baby 2 weeks later which ended up with me addicted to cocaine.  I was doing it EVERY day from October of 2004 to April 2005 every 20-30 minutes.  I refused to shoot it up...so...needless to say I was cutting class 99% of the time....which resulted in HORRIBLE grades.  I went to outpatient rehab and kicked the problem...

Fast foward a year.  I ended up in Stillwater, Ok which I cannot figure out....but I was then raped AGAIN...this time...with a fork.  It was horrible....I still have nightmares.  I again became addicted to drugs...this time crank.  I was smoking it every day...

I then met my now husband.  He was doing crank too...and we worked together.  3 1/2 years later we are still together and have been married for almost 1.  We are drug free now.....and we have a BEAUTIFUL little girl.  

However, over the time that we have been together, I have dealt with 2 more miscarriages, an addiction to meth, no money at all, living off of food banks...my family cutting me off...etc.  

For some odd reason...I hate my life.  I love my husband and my daughter more than anything in the whole wide world....but this is NOT what I had envisioned for my life.  Now...I am on anti depressants and I drink EVERY day until I pass out...(I do not start drinking until after my daughter is asleep...and I have found myself taking prescription pain meds ((snorting them))until I pass out.)

If it were not for my mother, father, sister, brother, husband and wife...I would kill myself....but I find myself wanting to just die naturally...to spare them the pain.  Is this abnormal? On top of everything else since being on anti depressants I see things and tend to talk about things that make absolutely no sense....I get no sleep...and I dedicate 100% of my waking hours to my daughter and my husband.  I need "me" time....but they are too important...PLEASE PLEASE HELP!

[MJIthewriter]

When you get the chance I strongly urge you make a post in this med help community:
http://www.medhelp.org/forums/show/158

I'm not saying whether or not you are on a slippery road to having the drinking getting worse (although in IMHO, it does sound very likely). I strongly urge you to reach out and do some research on the subject of alcoholism.

BTW, ever since I got into writing and ended up with an alcoholic character, it kind of lead me into doing lots of research on the matter of alcoholism. It's facinating to study. Perhaps you have my autism and a bit of OCD to thank for that, lol.

[addysmom]

Yes, I drink at night...and yes the drinking has been happening more often.  I use to only socially drink until I went on the anti-depressants.  All of a sudden, I want to drink every day.  I do not drink until my daughter is in bed for the night however.

The blacking out concerns me as well....maybe that is why I am on this site.  I actually feel as though I am really getting some support.  Do not get me wrong.  My husband is amazing.  He tries so hard...but he has not had to deal with depression or anxiety.  My mother thinks that the reason why I am depressed is because I am not living my life for "god" and my dad sees where I am coming from.  (He is an epileptic...and is also depressed due to the fact that his military career ended because of his epilepsy...alot of other things have happened with him).  I don't tell my dad everything obviously...because it would upset him and possibly trigger a seizure.  My mother in law thinks I am constantly seeking attention and that I am making all these things up.  (We do have a fairly good relationship but we are ALOT alike).  My best friend DOES not understand me....or rather she probably does but we dont talk about our pasts much.

Okay...well...I am going to go to bed....I feel normal today...and that is so refreshing for me....I was not like this until I started on the SSRI's.  We switched me from Paxil to Lexapro...and I feel a million times better after taking the muscle relaxer out of the mix.  

[MJIthewriter]

The part about you drinking at night, is that true?

I'm really concerned about the blacking out part. Alcohol can do that as well as trigger you to do things that don't seem logical the next day. It can also cause you to forget such things too.

I'll keep you in my prayers anyway, because I believe you are reaching out and crying for help. It sounds like you've been through quite a lot.

[addysmom]

Okay...I don't know where alot of what I said last night came from.  I have posted other another entry about how sometime I black out and say things I don't mean...and that never really happened.  Everything I said about my rape(s) is true.  Everything I said about prior drug addiction is true....However, I don't know WHERE the part about me "snorting" my current pain medicine came from!  I don't snort them.  I do take them every night for a slipped disc in my back since it causes me to not sleep.  

I spoke with my doctor today and we agreed that I needed to stop the current pain meds I am on.  They are actually muscle relaxers and combined with the anti-depressants...they are telling my brain to do two totally different things.  So tonight I am completely pain pill free.  She gave me 7 (1mg) ativan for my panic attacks and to help me sleep...but she said she will NOT prescribe them for a long period of time.  I took 1/2 of one tonight due to having several panic attacks today.  

I am sorry for the rant last evening...and if it caused anyone concern.  I am now going to be seeking CBT and Psychotherapy.  

[MJIthewriter]

Sounds like you have a lot going on. I highly suggest you reach out and ask for help and support in both the addiction substance abuse forum and the alcoholism forum. It may unnerving for you to read my suggestion here, but please do take time to lurk those forums anyway.

First off you'll meet people who've been through addictions that you can relate to. If you post your story, they can give you advice.  One good way to look for help is to find people who are not emotionally attached to your situation, but have a desire to help. They can see things you cannot because you are clouded by your own feelings.

Another thing: Alcohol is a depressant. It stimulates you for a while, but afterwards that wears off and leaves you more depressed.  If you are on antidepressants, the alcohol is defeating their purpose. Not only that but depending on the combo, you're really risking having not only part of you dying but the rest of you as well. (If you get what I mean.)

Also, I know you’re not going to like me saying this, because I'm sure you're already aware of it. If you're drinking, taking meth, or abusing any drugs, you need to not only stop, but seek help with programs like NA and AA. You'll need to look into yourself with a serious attitude and really desire to change your life. More than jut stop using.

I have read and researched several stories that people shared similar to yours and what they did to find help. Otherwise I have not experienced what you’ve gone through, but I hope that what I have to say is helpful anyway.