People

Hi, I have been depressed for a number of years I an 46 going on 47 years old I have been on a number of medications they do help, but I am one of these quite people that does no say anything to anybody, face to face anyway, thanks for the Internet, when I do say things to people after the fact or done something I start to worry and feel very scarred that I might have said something wrong and I worry constantly I have had this for most of my like and I hate if, I worry about what people are saying about me.
I have had a rotten childhood, I tried to kill my self once, did not succeed, this was a good few years ago, I get the odd time I wish I was dead.
I am overweight I have had a problem with it all my life and I have been on thousands of diets I have been up and down those scale, the respect I have for my self is zero.
All these days you get from health officials is loose weight, at one time I get very upset I just tell them I have been trying to loose wight since I was 12 years old.  
Then at 16 years old I find I have epilepsy which I take medication for, then about ago I am told I have fibromyalgia which I do not come to terms with because of the pain but I am getting there.
This  happen about 3 years I fell on the stairs I fell with such force I broke the stairs, my husband and son where very amused about it, I was in agony, I went to the hospital they looked me up and down maybe I imagine it but I do believe people jugged me, they asked where it hurt I explained they gave in an injection and told me I would be fine in 7 days time.  Twelve months later my lower back feels worse they sent me for an x ray, I was told wear and tear.
Well a few weeks ago my back felt a lot worse so I went back to my GP, they sent me for another x-ray, she told me that my L2 and L3 bone in my spine have been growing together and every time I have moved it has been breaking, my GP is making me appointment to see a specialist about my back and this is going to take 6 weeks I know they will take one look and just see the overweight.
Last year I applied to get funding off the PCT to get a operation to have stomach surgery to help reduce my weight, but earlier this year I was turned down no explanations nothing.
I keep myself to myself I hardly speak to anyone, I have 6 children and 2 of my children have been hanging around with an older girl whose brother is a person who will steal anything to buy drugs,and if I had known this I would have not let them be with her, this girl has been a bad influence on my 10 year old and 9 year old, they stole 2 bikes which my children had one, as soon as I found out we took the bike back and my children were punished, the owners of the bikes came round screaming and shouting and threatening us, I should have not been honest it just has not been worth the stress and the worry but I want my children to know right from wrong, after these people threatened me I phone the police myself, they came round I explained everything.
A few days later the police come round again I have been worried to death crying not knowing what to do, the police woman says it there word against mine about the threats, but why would I phone the police, I give up, I  have been on a lot of sights getting information, some rather annoying, which again makes you think whats the point of being honest, but the bike my children had we returned, if we had the other  bike I would have returned that, but the girl has that one and my children have told me her brother took it, which I am not surprised because I found out he is the local thief who steals anything  for drug money. I give up.
With worrying so much I got in touch with Children's Law which I got from the CAD, which they were most helpful, I am still waiting to hear from the police, but I know I can get a solicitor and it going to be my children who get told off and that girl will get away with it.
Now I have written all this I will start to worry and panic if I should have said it and I hate feeling that way.

Thankyou

[Bob_D]

Dear star,
You covered a lot of ground in your post - depression, anxiety, sadness, strong suicidal feelings, stress, regretting the past, fibromyalgia, back pain, overweight, child rearing. That's a lot for anyone to deal with.
Have you discussed your feelings, especially about suicide, with your psychiatrist? That usually gets their attention. It sounds like these emotions are perhaps starting to overwhelm you; perhaps a change in medication, or talk therapy, is in order.
It has been said, and I believe there is a strong argument for it, that being a parent is the most difficult job in the world. I'm sure all parents can sympathize with your concerns, and I suspect there are no easy answers except to discuss your concerns with someone.
Finally, I really want to address the issue of weight. It sounds as though you have internalized many of the messages that we receive endlessly on television, the internet, and in magazines every day, namely, "fat" is "bad", ugly and dangerous, overweight people are lazy, ignorant gluttons who are ruining the economy and their lives, and anyone can be any weight they want by eating less and exercising more - all of which are false.
I suggest you start tuning out the disinformation (medical "news" about how bad being overweight is, "helpful" articles about which "magic" diets are best for weight loss, etc, and start tuning in sources of good information (I recommend the blog "Junk Food Science" and the book "Good Calories, Bad Calories" by Gary Taubes.
Albert Einstein said "There are only two things that are infinite in the world, the Universe and human stupidity, and I am not sure about the Universe". Keep that in mind when you hear people, including medical people, talk about overweight. Don't go on any more diets. As you have discovered, they don't work in the long run. Anyone can lose weight in the short term, but over five years virtually everyone gains it back, even the most highly motivated people with intense institutional support. No combination of diet and exercise has ever been shown with good scientific evidence to be effective in maintaining weight loss. Stop blaming yourself! It really isn't your fault. (I'm assuming you're not eating 10,000 calories a day). Start deprogramming yourself from the negative messages about weight we are all bombarded with every day. I think if you can begin to do this, your perception of yourself will improve.
Good luck to you,
Bob D.