Planning Suicide, just haven't done it yet

[blather]

I have survived two nevervous breakdowns stemming from a divorvce a custody battle that has been waging on for over 13 years.   I've been taking care of myself and have not been hospitalized since 1999.  I am a single parent, working full time and have proved to the court in two custody evalautions that I am a fit parent.  The father keeps coming after me with an expensive attorney and pays support when he feels like it, which has caused stress overt he years about making ends meet.  My best friend of 25 years died in an accident two months ago.  My teenage son has turned on me in the last 6 months, has stayed with his father for the last 2 months and now calls me a disgusting person.  He has zero respect for me and tries to provoke me into an argument whenever I see him.  Or he emails me and tells he I am worthless, disgusting and even encouraged me to kill myself.  (His step mother did several years ago.)  My son and I used to be very close.  He now loathes me.  His father filed for custody again and this time I am ready to turn over custody to his father because my son has become abusive (including physically)  with me and his sister.   But I don't know if I can handle these losses together.  Losing my son to his father, who is not local, feels like a death.  HIs father hates me too and badmoths me constantly.  I cannot turn to my best friend for advice and support, as I did in the past.  She is dead. My parents are elderly and I cannot talk about these things with them because they worry and are not in good health.  I feel suicidal several times a day when I have any time alone.   I don't trust myself to be alone. I am overwhelmed with thoughts of ending it.  I have no hope.  All that keeps me alive is knowing that if I go, it will hurt my daughter.  I have planned suicide several times in the last few weeks.  I do not feel self pity.  

[bell24]

no thank you  for reaching  out to us ,thats  what we do here ,we help others wile others help us ,let us know how you are doing in time ,my god you shurley went through some beating .im so glad your  bit happier now , stay happy ,Costa Rica sounds good .take care ,

[LORDINEEDHELP]

good morning im glad you feel more upbeat sorry to here about your fall, have a nice weekend!
Theresa

[MJIthewriter]

You're welcome.  Glad to have helped to some degree.

[blather]

Dear Friends,

I can't thank you enough for your kindness.  I appreciate your willingness to share your wisdom, to give advice, to encourage me and to even make me laugh.  This afternoon, I am focused on being thankful.  I am still employed.  My dog adores me.  The weather is gorgeous.  My car works.  My utility bills are paid.  A friend just dropped off dinner and flowers because I took (another) spill today and got a little banged up.  

I had 12 staples removed from my head a few weeks ago.  I fell down the stairs at my (dead) girlfriend's house a half an hour before the memorial celebration that I was co-hosting with her husband. (Sober, even!)  It was commical and pathetic at the same time.  My daughter was with me.  She saw my head, puked and passed out.  

So, my lesson for today is that I don't want to die right now.  I was extremely scared when I fell.  I felt myself going down and thought, "This is it."  And I didn't want it to be over.

Again, thank you so much for reaching out to a stranger.  It means a lot to me.  I am going to take pieces of all of your wisdom and write them down.

Blather

p.s.  I like the Costa Rica alternative.  

[uglyfish]

P.S. try Costa Rico sometimes a disappearing  act can be a new life. you can turn the tables around. Everyone is  judged  and the one judging is mostly transferring the short-comings of themselves to another. fast, easy and lame. try God or look for small things of beauty.

[uglyfish]

I hear you. I had a one sided divorce that I though was peaceful. Only to my face I can tell you this and sorry I can't know the father but bad mouth the other parent causes resentment later, a child will buy in for the moment and be screwed (never trusting) later.I know my son said I was a drunk loser and stopped visits for years although we regained contact the lies were all too much. You leave a lot blank, I hope you see how even if you feel lonely and beat things change. Say you hurt yourself and the very next day the ex is run over and killed by the UPS guy you lose out on a lawsuit and a party. He could remarry and then your son will hate her. interloper that she will be. Try to turn the other cheek even when you are getting spun in circles. Sorry if this seems cold but you know life is hard and gravity *****

[MJIthewriter]

If you're still alive, please check out this link:
http://www.4therapy.com/consumer/resources/item.php?uniqueid=200&categoryid=32
Please don't give up. Life is worth fighting for!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN4xuFGMbJA

[bell24]

hi blather ,if your out there can you drop a line , im a bit worred now ,can you come back to us ,bell,

[LLFgirl]

Please don't do this. Your life is special and you are valuable to God and to the people around you. Use this website as a support group. Have you seen your doctor? Please seek help immediately. Your life is valuable and it is worth living.
Regards,
LLFGirl

[nursegirl6572]

Your post touched me so deeply.  Your pain is palpable.

While I have been in dark places...and VERY down and out...I can't say I've ever been suicidal, so in that sense...I cannot relate...but my heart aches for you so badly.

I don't know if my words will help you...all I can do is hope and pray that at least maybe they will keep you on this earth even for just one more day.

How could you NOT feel absolutely beaten down?  Yours is a horror story in the least...filled with loss, more loss, tragedy, regret, abuse, mistreatment, etc etc.  Hell, who WOULDN'T feel the way you do after what you've gone through?

Here are my thoughts...how about...instead of trying SO hard to make everything "right" for everyone.....and deciding that YOU shouldn't be on this earth anymore...how about deciding to live DESPITE the others that have hurt you...and are hurting you.  What is the best revenge, hon?  Living well, that's what.  Even if for all THEY know (they being the people that are throwing daggers at your heart for freakin sport) you are happy as a clam, totally put together....and moved on with your life.  Even if it is the farthest from the truth.

The more it appears that way...the less they wil be able to hurt you...and eventually, they will stop trying.  Your son is acting like a total creep.  I don't know why.  Hopefully it will just be temporary, and he will eventually come to his senses....but for NOW.....you have to decide to let go...for YOU.  I know that will be hard.  But...BLOCK his email address...ignore his calls....etc etc.  Enough is enough.  Being your son or not...he doesn't have the right to treat you in that way...and you sholdn't take it for one more minute.

Focus your energies on YOU (which is something I bet yu haven't done in a LONG time) and your daughter who needs you so desperately.  Even if you have to KID yourself into believing that you are moving past everything...eventually you think something enough...you start believing it.

I HOPE you are in some kind of aggressive therapy?  You need to be if you're not.  YOU need to learn what your self worth is...as so many people have stripped that away from you...and it was NOT theirs for the taking.

I'm SO sorry about the loss of your friend.  I cannot even imagine.  But, I betcha...if she were here...she wouldn't have ANY part of you thinking like this, would she?  She would prolly hug you...tell you to snap out of it....and I would even be willing to guess...the two of you would laugh about something totally inappropriate minutes later, right? Perhaps a joke about your ex?  I may be TOTALLY wrong...but I just have this strong sense that your friendship was that way......crying one minute...peeing your pants laughing the next.

She STILL wants the same for you.....and while it may be SOOOOO painful right now...you will find another confidant, another friend.....and I strongly believe that she will help to guide you...and I am not necessarily the most religious person.  Know a great place to start?  In a forum like this one....where people genuinely care and know a LOT about what you are going through.  You can meet friends yo'd never thought you'd have.  I have been blown away at some of the internet friendships I have developed.

PLEASE please please give life a chance.  I hate to sound corny and use a bunch of cliches.....but I don't have much else right now.  You have MORE than enough reasons to want to throw in the towel...that's a no-brainer...but why not take the hard road...the challenge?  Finding reasons to move ON and LIV???.  I bet not long from now...YOU will find YOUR light at the end of the tunnel, and find peace with all of this that now torments you.

And, not to throw a guilt trip at you...but the pain you feel over the loss of your friend?  imagine your daughter's pain if she lost YOU?  

And what is important...is if you make a final decision like suicide...you never had the chance to find your peace.

I'm a stranger, but you are in my thoughts...sending you virtual hugs.  PLease open up....and talk to the people here.  If you really really really feel as though you will follow through with it...all of my heart and soul hopes you seek immediate help...b.c there is no turning back after that.  :0(

[NEMESIS94]

well the only thing i can say is dont do it really know one wants you to die i mean i dont know you i dont want you die what would do if i were you after custody was decided just move away and start a new life this one got started on the wrong foot just go far away from where you are now and just begin life anew and if you do find that helpful its maybe cause it came from a 13 yr old

[bell24]

hi blather ,i just want to ask you how you are today ,have you still got suicidal thoughts ,or have they lessened a bit ,did you get to see a d,r, after ,i dont know were your from and we might have some hour difference between us but im here when ever you need me ,you never know some day ,you might be here for me ,ive  been thinking of what you were saying about you son and the way he has been treating you ,if things are so bad now with you son ,and if were me, i would hand him over to his dad ,because if you take your life he wont have a mom anyway ,let his dad put up with him for now ,and you look after yourself ,you still have your daughter ,and i know deep down inside of him he knows your his mom, hes  probably just acting the big  guy  to please his dad ,how old is your son ,?if thaks ok to ask ,you were so right in telling us here about your thoughts ,nobody wants to take there liefs at the end of the day and when it happens it doesn't mean your not thinking  of anyone, again you just want it to stop ,but when the hurt wont stop ,and you feel so depressed it can happen ,its the depression thats kills you in the end ,as ive said it can  take you over ,thats why its called a mental illness,youve cried out for help ,and thats good for now ,but you still need people around  you , so try and take care of yourself  and im sending you a =======hug======,

[bell24]

ok, you have a plan ,can i ask you what that plan is ,because having a plan is not safe ,and if your overwhelmed with suicidal thoughts you must seek help ,you have and are still going through a painful time with your family ,which can really hurt deep ,so deep you just want it to stop ,and you have lost your best friend in which i really feel for you at this time ,you have no one left to turn to ,i know you are tying to be here for you daughter you've said that ,well thats a start ,you do realize that much ,but you still want the pain to stop believe me ,im at were you are right now ,i have a young son to stay here for ,and wile hes here he makes me realize that if i took my life where would it leave him ,but  at the same time you want your pain to stop ,and thats were you fight ,you fight for your life ,its hard its not easy but neater is leaving your daughter ,when my son took his life ,he was suicidal for 2 years the first time he tried it he cut his wrists, so bad he was on deaths door ,the second time was 6 months before his death ,he had a cut so deep in his neck that in the hospital they thought he might have cracked a bone in the back of his scull from the impact, he was  unconscious when we got him there by ambulance ,he had a plan ,he hurt so much he carried out that plan ,please get help ,go to the hospital and talk to one of the d,r,s tell him you have a plan ,if you have one ,dont trust yourself ,if your getting you dont trust yourself it gets that your not safe and you need people around you for a wile ,sometimes deep pain can just take your mind over ,and its so quick then ,but if someone is with you at the time your hurting you will get through it ,and hopefull the help will follow on ,

[Kimidawn]

Hugs to you.  I have been there.  It sounds like you are going through more than you feel you can handle.  Pray, meditate and surround yourself with people who care.  Remember;  This too shall pass.  Let me know if you need anything.  I have good tear-absorbing shoulders and my love can carry you through when you need it!  I do agree with lonewolf though ir you really wanted to kill yourself you would have.  What you want is someone to stop you that's why you posted on a public forum.  When I have truly wanted to die I have done everything in my power to follow through with it and I have involved no one (I didn't even write suicide notes) but obviously the plans didn't work and all I managed to do was screw up my health.  The times I have voiced my desire to kil myself were the times I wanted someone to help me through the depression and get me help,  Let's do that, lets get you help.  Counseling?  Meds?  Friends to talk to?  Whatever it takes, lets get you feeling better again!  Take care and God Bless---Kimberly

Kimberly

[LORDINEEDHELP]

im sorry your feeling down and hun i know all to well what pain is sad to say hun suicidel thoughts are not based on what others may feel i have done things to myself to hurt myself and yet only i to had no reguards to others and i learned that that it only made me feel worse about me and not about answering others questions some one told me once time heals all wounds and this moment will pass are two good terms that have played around in my brain for awhile as nasty as you feel now it will get better i have good days and bad latley more bad then good and have felt like just walking away from it all yet where will ending things get you? your reaching out for help here as we all do we all have our own reasons for being here  i as well as others here look for support as well as gain from giving it just by you reaching out and finding this site was effort alone to help yourself that stands for something!! life is a road we all walk some walk fast some stumble some dont get far and others reach there goals and others hit all the pot holes yet your here for help and support or to just have someone listen and tell you what you want to here yet as  lonewolf07 shared with you we are all different yet we all are here to help ourselves stay strong you may not like or want to here what everyone may say to you but be at least open to all who reply some may sting some may inspire you  give something or someone a chance before acting on your inner thoughts it does help please keep in touch if you need any thing let us know stay strong hun
Theresa

[lonewolf07]

This will seem like a trivial response but in my experience, a person who is determined to commit suicide does not take anyone else's feelings into consideration as you have with your daughter nor do they post their suicidal intentions in a public place.  I have no doubt you are being honest about everything you are saying; I just think that it's just possible that you want to kill the pain, not your actual body.

Before you dismiss what I am saying, let me tell you that when I have made suicide attempts I didn't care who got hurt and I told nobody about my intentions.  Most determined suicides don't care about anything, they just want the pain to stop.

What you are going through and what you have gone through sound painful enough that I can feel it right through the computer.

There are others here in this forum who can give you better answers than I can.  Will you wait to read what they have to say before using your plan for suicide.  You can always do it later.