Reaching Out

Today is my first time being on MedHelp , I thought I would try it. I'm hoping to connect with other people in the same boat as myself. I am 28 years old and miserable as hell , I'm moody , I yell at my kids, I want to be alone , my sex life is gone and I feel bad for my wife, for not being able to give happiness and love. I've seen the counselors, taken the drugs and the depression is still there it *****. I tell myself life isn't bad you don't need to feel this way. SNAP out of it!!! But it just seems to drag me down no matter how hard I fight it.

Last year I had some of my worst episode I would just get in my car and drive into the country and leave it on the side of the road and just walk for hours being confused. Last October I was on my way to work, I made a snap decision to just drive out to the middle of no where and I cut the wheel and crashed into the ditch.

After that I went through some  counseling and was under observation for a week or so, the suicidal thoughts stayed away for awhile but almost a year later today they have come back.

I get visions of shooting myself, and ramming my car into a tree, I hate it! I don't want to live like this. I have a 10 year old and a 4 year old and can't even interact with them, it breaks my heart. I feel lost and confused a lot of times and the uncontrolled depressive feelings consume me to the point where I can't deal with anything.

I came here because other than my wife I have no friends, I don't interact with anyone outside my family. I keep to myself most of the time only carrying on a conversation if necessary. I see people talking and laughing together and get so disgusted and jealous of it. I feel that this is the only constructive way to get all these feelings out.

Thanks to anyone listening and reading this post.

[whodunnit]

Hey Joe,

Yes I've been where you are mate, big time. Driving around and fighting that urge to just turn the wheeel. Lying in bed dreaming about dying, wanting to die and waking up, again and getting angry.

Having children I couldn't give my time to as this damned illness wanted my attention all the time. It's a very selfish and greedy illness mate, one that dominates you.

You say you've done the meds and seen the counsellors and nothing works, right?

Same here mate. When they suggest ECT please say no. They offered it to me and I said yes and then no. I still think that deciding NO was the turn in my condition. It was me taking sonctrol at last and saying to myself "I can do this and only I know how".

My how was to find a good psychiatrist (luck mainly), tell him everything, no holds barred, talk openlt, freely and honestly, hide nothing and follow the treatments he recommended. Except ECT.

I came back from the worst condition of  my life (3 months of suicidal thoughts 24/7, forgot to eat, just obseesed the whole time) after saying NO to ECT with meds and just talking with my pdoc.

Until then I'd done so much counselling it was driving me mad, no one had answers and I needed it.

You know what I eventually understood that they wouldn't tell me? It's a little secret to many of us but all it is is that WE have ALL the answers. They have none. They just encourage us to talk and suggest places to investigate, verbally. Do you follow?

The reason for your dondition is important to find. For so many of us it emanates from early childhood and may not be terribly traumatic when looked at today. For example your Mum or Dad may simply have been very strict with you at critical ages when they couldn't cope with a young biy (part of my histiry) but the effects of that can be damaging long term as it affects your self worth to be constantly told "You're a pest", "Stop it, you always annoy me" and so on. SOunds mild right? But it's not.

Of course there may be some other deeper trauma there too, as I had as well, but yiu may simply be overlooking it as you think you dealt with it. This is where counsellors do help, examining how that event actually affected you.

Take the meds, they will relieve your symptoms once you find something that helps. My solution was Effexor plus Lithium. Meds don't cure depression but they make life liveable and allow you to see reality as it is.

So my answer for you is. Take control of your treatment. Stop sitting there in doc's and counsellor's offices waiting for them to tell you the answers. You tell them what you think, feel and know. If they don't have that they can't help.

And always remember this. Suicidal thoughts are only thoughts, temporary, fleeting thoughts that come rapidly and often. They are not something you have to follow, obey or enact. They are just thoughts activated by how much pain you are in. Treat the pain and they will go away.

I won't kid you, it's a damned hard way back and needs you to work hard at being open, that's tough stuff, but only you can do it. Do it, for those kids and yourself.