Reson for Depression

[Lekha]

Hello everyone. I am new to this forum and hope it helps me with my mental and emotional problems.

I am for married year and half and I find that am getting into depression. I have now become a very restless and impatient person from a very calm and a vibrant person. I am a student of CPA and am also a professional painter. Therefore doing things artistic is in my blood. I tried to figure out why I have changed and i think its because of lack of sexual attention by my husband. I am a person who expects love making to be real love making and he is not that type..its like a "job". I get irritated and impatient. Am in my early 20s and he is in early 30s. I find that burrying emotions and feeling is killing me. I am not a type of person who will cheat on him because i love him; but i need help to come over this pain of not beeing satisfied and not get into severe deression. Right now i find myself talking to myself, getting cluster migranes and feel dejected and losing interest in everything.

[desertgirl]

what was he like before you got married?

[Lekha]

Thank you Kat1971 and Umya for your advises. It did make me happy when i see someone has replied me.

i did try to speak to my husband and  also found that when i speak he is completely disinterested in it. Like you say its a barometer of a relationship and if it is not happening once or even ten times it is ok but then for me there has not been one day it has happened properly. Its not only that - its snubbing me in all possible ways, not giving respect to my emotions. When a person responds like a rock all the time it really hurts!! and i wish it changes... I havent gone to a therapist yet..may be i should go soon....

[umya]

burrying emotions is awful and ultimately leads to depressive illnesses.  sex is usually the "barometer" of a relationship.  when things are great-- ie communications are open and partners are loving each other freely, there is mutual respect and compassion etc--sex is usually great!  on the other hand, when things aren't so great--the sex is typically cold or non existent.  i know this seems obvious.  what i am trying to say is that great or awful sex is usually the result not the cause of relationship maladies.  it is impossible to know from your post if your sexual relationship is causing your slip into depression.  it is however, a fair bet that it may be a player.  it at least needs investigating.   it could be your husbands alienatiion of you is making you miserable but that also feels like too simple an answer.  the causes of depression are very layered.  all components of your life and relationship circumstances should be examined, possibly with the help of a psychotherapist if you see this slip continuing.  have you tried speaking to your husband about any of this?  it may be a good place to start.  

[kat1971]

I have been with the same man for 18 years.  Living together for about 16 1/2 years.  I am a 36 year old stay at home mom who also deals with depression (since about the age of 13).  

There were times, lots of times that I wanted more than he did.  I felt rejected and hurt.  It amplified my feelings of low self esteem.  Then there were times where he wanted more than I did.  My disinterest had him feeling rejected.

My point is, that in every marriage, there are ups and downs.  There will be times when he may want it more, or when you will want it more.  There may be times when you are both wanting it, but struggle to find the time to get together (especially if you have kids).  

Sexual appetites change, and evolve.  I used to be a "Make love" person.. had ideas about how it was "Supposed" to be, and was disappointed when he didn't feel the same.  Now we play it by ear depending on mood.. Sometimes we "Make Love", sometimes we just screw.  Other times we have hysterical sex.  

When you are dating, everything is romantic, and passionate.  Its a new relationship with much to explore, in the hopes of finding the right person.

When you marry, your relationship changes.  It becomes about forming a life together, and growing up together.  It becomes about stability, and partnership.  To expect every encounter to be a scene from a harelquin romance is unrealistic.

My advice to you, would be to talk with your husband, and find out how he feels about your sex life together. Try to look beyond your expectations. Also realize, that if he's not in the mood, its not about YOU.  That doesn't mean that he's not in love with you, or that he finds you less attractive.  It just means that he isn't in the mood.  And take it from this long time married woman.. just when you think its all figured out.. it changes again.  That's what happens.. people, needs, desires, change.

The ability to sustain a long and happy relationship, centers upon the ability to go with the flow.  To grow together, and accept these changes as part of an adult life together. Open communication, and participation in fixing issues, is key to sustaining a long term relationship.