Sick and tired of being sick and tired

[averyms2]

I am a 31-year-old, depressed, and grossly overweight African American female.  I have been on several diets that have worked for only a short amount of time only to balloon up even higher.  I am very discouraged but know I must stop the madness.  I weigh over 365 pounds and am constantly tired.  I feel like a bottomless pit.  As soon as I try I become discouraged and just give up.  I have been battling my weight since grade school and have a very poor self-image from being made fun of for years.  Does someone have any tips for me because I'm at a loss.  I know there isn't a magic pill and I know it is all common sense but for some reason all reason eludes me when it comes to food.  I can diet for an entire day and then I get home and have to face myself making me want to nibble and nibble and nibble.  My family is worried about me but I still can't stop.  My Father passed away last year of Small Cell Lung Cancer and since that time I have gained almost 70 pounds because of the grief.  He is my best friend and I love him more than anyone.  People say to me that he was 75 and it was his time but the pain of that day is too much for me.  I eat and eat and eat to die sometimes and other times I want to live.  Lately I have gone through a deep three week depression that I'm trying to come out of but keep slipping back in.  What can I do?  I know I need to get out of my depressive state but nothing is working.  I don't want to be buried in a piano box with 2 cranes instead of pallbearers.  I want to feel better about myself.  I don't want to feel like a waste of space.  The problem is just as soon as I get out of my sadness I start thinking about my Father and how I should join him and just give up and it just brings me back down.  What can I do to combat this?  Please be kind because I need pitty.  I don't get too much of that believe me.  My moods constantly fluctuate.  I saw my Father pass away from complications and each month on that day I mourn.  It was 1 year and 7 months on November 21st. I ache deeply for him so much that I can't sleep and all I do is cry, eat, and get angry.  I can't concentrate and I can't feel happy. I just don't know how else to cope.  It's funny because nothing tastes good but i constantly feel hungry and shakey like my blood sugar is always too low.  I don't want to live but I don't want to kill myself.  I'm just in limbo.

[uberadtx]

I am soo glad you posted!  Venora is a GREAT support!  She really knows where its at!  You are in such a terrible state and I am sorry you are in so much pain. I know grief like I know the back of my hand and its a terrible condition to be in.  You have been smart enough to seek help and I LOVE your tag line "sick and tired of being sick and tired".  Soo true. The good news is that things won't get any worse.  It sounds like you hit a bottom and the climb up is tenuous and sometimes scary but soo rewarding.  Your problems are multi-layered and sound lifelong so do NOT expect instant reversal.  It will only make you feel like a failure.  Here's some tough news for you.  You are choosing EVERYDAY to remain in this constant state of mourning.  You are completely torturing yourself once a month to mourn your father.  My strategy for moving beyond that is this: each day you MUST do something that makes you smile to honor the gift of life your father gave you.  On his anniversary, celebrate with doing something YOU love.  For me, I am all about movies and music so I indulge myself in those things on anniversary dates. Set 3 goals for yourself once a week.  One goal must be easily attainable, like reading your favorite magazine.  One goal must require effort, like speaking positively about yourself to another person.  One goal must be a dream goal like fitting into an old shirt or pants.  Change your goals every week.  Write them down, hang them on the wall and check them off as each one is achieved.  It sounds silly but its soo important. You are about to embark on a life changing experience that no one else can feel, that no one else can do, that no one else will acknowledge.  Be creative.  Don't write your goals on a post it and stick it on the fridge.  Work hard at making the list as small as it is look pretty. Something that will catch your eye, something that will make you smile everytime you look at it.  Take your time doing this.  Write down what you would like to do for the anniversary and DO IT! You need to nuture yourself today.  You need to nourish your spirit today.  Do not take any of this lightly.
Now your weight issue.  Its time.  Yes, its time to join weight watchers. You can join online, attend meeting online.  Post your struggles with it online.   But first you MUST treat it separately. STOP pulling your weight into your grief.  Stop pulling your weight into your depression. It will get you nowhere.  The reasons for your weight are important but you must look at the physicality of it first before attempting to resolve your problems.  It HAS to be separated from your spiritual depression right now.  You need to get to a point where you are physically comfortable before tackling the underlining problem.  I am all about Weight Watchers.  Their point system is magnificent.  I am telling you, you will feel OK while on it.  Do NOT put your weight as one of your goals for the week.  It doesn't work like that.  Do NOT weigh yourself everyday.  Do NOT worry if you slip, its OK.  I am going to give you a few pointers to help you transition and not feel like your blood sugar is bottoming out.  The key to it is protein.  In order to detox from the sugar somewhat you need to keep your sugar on an even keel.  That's where the protein comes in.  All your snacks HAVE to be protein based.  Oatmeal, brown rice, and edamame are awesome for this.   They fill you up and keep your energy going.  Whole wheat pasta is also good.  Do not limit yourself as to what you must eat at meals.  Eat breakfast for supper and supper for breakfast.  Eat every 2 hours. Make the meals small and put a reward like dessert in the middle of the day NOT at night.  Do not eat past 8pm which is a REALLY good trick to drop weight.  You don't even realize what your body does in the evening hours.  But you can drink whatever you want after 8pm except the caffeine, that doesn't help.  If you are completely serious about Weight Watchers, then I will make you an offer.  I will join with you.  Do not feel pressured to join either way but I am willing to do it.  Plus my insurance pays for it! hahahaha  I will be joining on my own anyhow.  

Keep us posted and let me know how you are.  Again, soo glad you posted.

[Venora Moonwind]

Honey I understand what you are going through.I lost my daddy 10 years ago and it is just as raw and fresh as was the day it happened. get yourself to grief counseling and therapy.. Theyt can help you ever so much.  I was complaining to my husband a while back and he said well if you are tired of it then  do something about it.  So I did I got the help I needed and I havent looked back since.
give yourself time to grieve and dont let anybody tell you there is a time limit on grieving.
the thereapy will give you the tools you need to get back in control of your life . and that is the key, you have the control to choose how you want your life to be. you are in my prayers to be well
Love Venora