I'm 15. Basically, I've had on and off depression for years due to my messed up family life (Alcoholism). I am a very anti-social person and very awkward around people to a point where I think of myself as a worthless waste of skin and sometimes starve myself for days on end which started at the age of 8. I'm a bisexual teen and when I try to hint at my parents that I am but they don't pick up on it and start to make fun by calling homosexual people names, and I can't exactly tell my "friends" (I don't have any) because they think of lesbians as gross and sometimes are really awkward around them..I come from a very criticizing family where they always thought it was okay to call me fat at the age of 4 and always yelled at me whenever I was hungry, I guess that's where the starvation thing cam from..I've also found relief in cutting and sometimes just want to kill myself and cut deeper even though I don't even have the bravery to do it. What I'm trying to say is..I'm a coward, a worthless coward and find no reason to live anymore, anyone wanna help me?
I had a counselor who told me once that he could offer my parents a once in a lifetime opportunity for free lifetime therapy and upon the completion of that successful therapy, I would still have the problems that I have....
That was a real wakeup call to me that yes, I did come from a long line of ill people who dealt with their problems in a negative way, but I didn't have to continue the legacy....
And so today I dont subscribe to living my parents past anymore in my present and in my future.
I hope you will see a Medical Professional who may be able to refer you to a therapist or Group that might be able to help you with the changes that you yourself are aware of knowing you need...
I'm so sorry you have to live in that kind of environment. There are two very very important things that you need to know and tell yourself over and over again. You are very important and you matter. Even if you don't hear that from others you can know in your heart that it's true. It doesn't sound like you got any positive feedback. That just means you have to get it from yourself and believe in yourself. Your life will get better it just takes time. Shut the bad out and let the good you give yourself in.
I am hoping that your mom or dad will take you to Therapy. This is crucial at this time in your life with how your feeling, what is going on in your household and the way your being treated. If this is not a possibility, you have a couple of options. One, talk to your guidance counselor at school. You can even meet on a regular basis. They can be so helpful and supportive. They can also steer you in the right direction for additional help. Two, if you have a mental health center (check online if you don't know ), you can make an appt to see a counselor or therapist there. The fee is based on your income, which would not apply to you,or the cost is minimal, as little as a couple of bucks. There may not even be a charge at all. If you make an appt you can ask how it all works.
Additionally, since your environment is not healthy, there are some things you can do for yourself. Write your feelings and anything else you want in a Journal. This really helps when you get them on paper. Walking or running creates feel good endorphins. It really helps. Find something just for you that you enjoy and makes you feel good. I can't stress to you how important it is to eat regularly. It does make a difference on how you feel. Your body needs many things. Right know I'm focusing on your mood, energy, and the way you feel about yourself. When you go periods of time without eating, your mind isn't sharp and you can't think clearly, concentrate or focus.
Your sexuality is your business. It doesn't matter what other people think. I'm sure you will come across what you have experienced already, in your life, and the best thing I can say is to develope a thick skin. It is no reflection on you, it is other people's problem. You are who you are. You don't need other people's approval. Stand up tall and walk proud.
I wanted to address the cutting. I understand you are doing it for relief. Do your parents know? If not, I think they should know. I don't know them but maybe it will help them to know how serious this is and how much help you need. Cutting is addicting. It is a coping skill some people choose. What will happen if you don't stop, is it will be very hard to stop for good. You could be 40 years old, cutting since you were 15 and would not have been able to stop all together or have relapses in your life. This is not a good coping skill and is very hard to stop. When we are upset and we need a release, our brains remember the cutting as providing that relief. That's why it is so important to find new ways of coping, new coping skills. Therapy or counseling can help you learn the techniques. Your lucky your young, it is not too late to stop cutting. You can stop know and never look back. Cutting as a coping skill will be erased from your mind. In the meantime, try some of the things I mentioned above and maybe even see if your library has some books on cutting and any other self help books you find that will interest you.
Self talk- Remember to love yourself, tell yourself that every day, your important and you matter. Let all other negative words vanished.
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