I think I may be a sociopath or something else like it. I manipulate others. I'm a pathological liar, I have shallow emotions, and I've never felt remorse or shame or guilt over something I've done. I don't feel empathy for others. I don't feel love for others either. I'm secretive and paranoid. I've abused others and animals and never felt bad. I don't feel attached to anyone and I don't have friends. When I do I don't care for their emotions and lie to them about everything. I make a plan in my head and do anything to make my plan come true. I make up things about my past to get my way with people, to make them feel bad about me, to get them to do things for me. I convince people that they came up with an idea when I planted it in their brain. I make people feel about something they thought was their idea to do when it wasn't. I don't care who gets hurt or offend. I'm always bored. I day dream about ways others could die that would benefit myself. I've day dreamed about my family dying in so many different ways so that I got the death money or so that I lived with a relative I had or so that people felt bad for me and I got things. When I'm in a relationship I don't have an emotional attachment to the person, I'm just bored and I don't care if they get hurt. I made my last boyfriend break up with me by saying certain things because I wanted the relationship to end looking like he was the shallow mean one, the villain. I'm a horrible person, I know that a lot of the things I say are lies to the people around me, but I never admit to it or feel bad about it or regret my lies and want to tell the truth or come clean. I know that I need help, but I'll never do anything about it. What I did was wrong in most peoples eyes, but it got me what I want. I also talk fast and my words get jumbled up. When I type it takes me forever to write something else because I'm always editing it because it tends to never make sense the first several times. I talk to myself in a language that isn't real and I am always walking around my house. I'm positive that someone is always outside my window or trying to break into my house at night. I've thought about being a ruler and having to chop peoples heads off, and that thought doesn't make me feel bad or sick. I also have always been fascinated by serial killers and have even sent letters to different ones in prison. I've studied different cases and killings and it just interests me.
Sounds like there may be some other things going on besides sociopathic tendencies. I would take this, print it out, and go for an appointment in a mental health facility for some therapy. A therapist can help you figure out why you've built this wall between you and people and why you feel the paranoia about someone being outside your window or someone breaking in. A therapist can help you figure out ways to cope. I would note that it may take trying a few different therapists until you find one you click with enough to talk to and really reap the benefits, so don't give up!
Step one has been made. You admitted there is something going on that bothers you and you don't understand.
Step two has been made. You reached out here.
Now, it's time for step three, and that is to go get some help to deal with it. As much as I would love to say someone here could help you, few or none of us are qualified for or trained to help people learn techniques to overcome these sorts of things.
I just wanted to say I hope you do what "thatquietgirl" suggested for you. Sounds like you have a lot going on inside and really need someone to understand you. I hope that you can do that for yourself. Those voices can make things even more confusing!!
I will "third" the great advice you got above. Your post REALLY describes well what you have going on, the battles in your mind, the inability to feel emotion, etc.
PLEASE seek some professional help. While you may not feel remorse, I'm sure you would NOT prefer to be like this? You will get much more out of life if you learn to FEEL, to have empathy, etc.
You cannot diagnose yourself, hon. While there's obviously some worrisome tendencies going on, you cannot say for sure, what is going on.
Please ask your doc for a referral to a psychiatrist. I think bringing this print out is the best idea, mainly because, with your history of being manipulative, you probably aren't going to be straight forward with the doc. You are being very honest here. Honesty is vital for you to get the care you need.
Please update us when you can, and thanks for sharing such difficult issues, and being honest.
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