Its happened again but this time Ive had a meltdown. I dont want to get out of bed in the morning i dont care to go to sleep its been like this for three days now. My depression usualy fades away after a day or two but this is bad. I dont want to eat. I feel broken.
I'm sucluding away to my room i dont want to be next to anyone i live with my family and my mom dosent even know what to do. I'm finaly giving into my fear im fading away into the madness locking myself away. I cant think focus. I feel empty.
I'm having thoughts of death not suicide but death. I thought would it count as suicide if i just never get up again i just lay in my bed till its over.
It started when my mother decide to push one of my phobias and me being me i just hold in all my stress till boom and boy did i boom i yelled at her the dog my father the world god and then i cried like a weak worthless nobody. I feel alone, abandend, lost. I dont have an appatite. I have to go to work tomarrow i dont think i can function.
It all feels worthless......
My phobia well it all comes down to a fear of death its what all my phobias go with but this one decided to go with my anti-social behavior and make me scared of people. I think anyone who even looks at me is ploting. It stupid i know but it all started a month ago when some drug dealers were out side of my work and one was suvaying and ceacking the store i thought i saw him stash something in his pants so i told my manager. In my head i thought it may have been a gun but im a write / comic artist so this would be the first time my mind choose to help me see believe in things that may not be true. and every week it got worse . I kept pushing thougnit then a few nights ago my mom wanted to go to the movies and theirs always a bunch of people who look gangster there so i paniced and got out of control. just me and her at night. I know its stupid but know the damage is done im broken and i cant seem to pull myself together. I know its not just that one thing that is just what made the rip in my grunny bag.
I dont know anymore i just dont know my hope is gone my faith is broken and I just dont have insurance or a **** load of money. Some one anyone save ME please. I have all this advice to give but i cant fallow it myself i guess that makes me a weak worthless alone hypacrit.
The bottom line is that you need to get an appointment with a qualified Psychiatrist and get a diagnosis. Once you have that then you can move to the next step in the healing process.
Regarding the insurance.....Welcome to half the people on this Forum including myself.
I have to pay for my Psych visits. they are $120 per visit. The meds hit me for another $200 a month.
I know that sounds like a lot, but we pay what we must pay. If I had insurance at my work they would be charging me $250 a week just to have it so there is no savings there anyway.
Health insurance nowdays is only good if you have an expensive medical accident or serious injury. Most health insurance doesn't cover hardly anything for Psych visits anyway.
In your case you crashed very fast and hard. This is not the most comon way Major depression takes hold. It generally will start slow and take a few months to sink you to a level of total fear and anxiety.
This is why it's important for you to get diagnosed. You may be Bi-polar and your just in a fast cycle. It's treatable so please try to get treated.
Oh I was going to feel sorry for myself because I find it hard to cope, but I see what you write and I want to help you through this. I know how difficult it is my love. But I have the shadow of possibly having cancer over me at the moment, and I realise I DO want to live. Please, please don't do anything to harm yourself. How would your family feel? Get some help if you can. I don't know what else to say except we are all here for you and you must keep contacting us. Give you mum a big hug. Try and have a talk to her. I know that is a difficult thing to do but she loves you and does not like to see you suffering. I will be thinking of you, and I want you to write soon and tell me how you are.
thank-you and its true you are right your not the first person to tell me i might be bi-polar. When i was in health class a few years ago we had a stress cart we filled out and my test came out telling me i was a grunny bag. I filled this bag with pain, angry, and all types of problems until it rips and all at once i vent all my stress and angry on anyone near me or even myself. I know she was right from the moment she told me this.
I'll see what i can do unlucky for me the one motto ive pounded into my self is to never give up.
I'm sorry to hear that my grandmother recently died of bone cancer. She was a strong women till the end and we move her just in time to get to know her. It was very sad. All i can say to you about this and im sure you've already heard it. Don't give up and live. Do not worry about my life thoughts of death is as far as i go. I kill myself in my art and in my mind but i cant end my life for my motto is to never give up and to never surrender. I hope that death has one hell of a time pulling me into the afterlife. My mind is filled with darkness and i feel it consume me. Thank-you for your kindness my father actualy steped up and came and talked to me something he never does hes very a man shouldnt cry or show fear type of person. so im trying again its all i can do...
If a person as bad as me that has had very severe depression and anxiety for almost 20 years can survive then I know you can also.
I told myself long ago (even when I was activly suicidal) that I wouldn't give up until I had tried every last treatment for this condition. I still haven't tried everything yet.
My first step was to look in the mirror and admit to myself that I have a chronic mental illness. That's not an easy thing to do. The very words "I have a mental illness" are hard to swallow.
What I can tell you for a fact is that severe depression is a real disease. It is also an evil ******* that you can't just wish away. It doesn't know pitty, it doesn't know empathy, and it simply will not stop EVER until you are dead from it or you do something to treat it. The anxiety and fear that manifests from it are equally ruthless and devistating beyond what words can describe.
It takes 4 different medications to keep mine under control. Without them I would be locked away in the Bam Bam ward and forgotten about. People often say, "oh but I really don't want to take medication." to that I say, "well then that's a good sign because it means that your depression is not that severe."
If you are really and truly sick from this then you will eat cat turds if it makes you feel normal.
I will suffer ANY medication danger or side effect not to feel the full fury of my illness.
hmmmmm you seem harsh on those who do not want to take pills even judge other when you do not know the whole story of others. For you your rooute is right but other thing have happened in my life that make me have a great hate for pills
It all depends on the actual level and severity of your depression. Would I suggest one take meds if their depression were mild or temporary or even situational? No I would not.
Right you may be that the only reason your suffering depression is because of direct life trauma. If that is the case than sometimes therapy can help resolve those problems.
What I am saying is that not once have I talked to a person suffering from moderate to severe depressive and anxiety dissorder make progress with any form of talk therapy or CBT in my entire 20 years as a sufferer (and trust me I have talked to thousands)
I say if you can function without using meds then your better for it, on the other hand for a person to live a miserable existance because they are resistant to the fact that they have a chemical imbalance in their brain is just plain foolish.
Am I pro meds in my case? Considering that prior to meds I had one foot in a coffin, well...yes for me I am pro meds, but I bet I can in great detail list all of your symptoms because prior to meds I had them also.
I wish i could help you in anyway but the most i can think of is get some help? I no you dont have a lot of money but you cant put a price on yourself if you need help you need to find a way to get it.But for the mean time maybe you should find a hoby that makes you happy? Start a book, Art, Study something you have always waned to learn about do something new everyday little steps at a time and make a goal and try and reach that goal. These are some steps i try and take my mom has depression and my boyfriend thinks im suffering to but i dont think its to seriouse. Also go to the mirrior and say good stuff about yourself. i dont no if i was any help but good luck!
Have you ever been to a doctor about this? You talk about it as if it's been with you a long time and not seeking treatment achieves one thing. A deeper, longer lasting depression. You call it depression and it sounds like it all right. But until you've been diagnosed by a professional it could be anything really.
Hensley is right. Doesn't matter what it takes, do it. No insurance? FInd a way or choose to continue suffering and deteriorating. Don't punish yourself about it, just find a way. I can't do that for you as I am not you.
He is also right about meds. I don't know anyone who would prefer to take meds if they could survive without them. What he's saying is how he deals with it. Like me, I am not prepared to risk sinking back to the lows I've been through. Ain't never going back there again.
So I take pills and care not what anyone else thinks.
The problem really is people who refuse to take meds just "because". They think they can get by without them. Well, guess what? So does everyone until it's too late. If we'd all gone to a doc the first time we felt it coming then we may have stopped it or at least shortened the time we suffered.
Avoiding valid options to me is just plain dumb. Sorry. Meds ain'rt pleasant and don't all work. But no meds does work. I want to die when I go without for about 6 weeks. No thanks.
The way you are thinking right now tells me your need for treatment is urgent. Please go get help.
By the way there are plenty of gangsters out there. Always. Different kinds, some with weapons some not. But they rarely focus on someone unless they have money, drugs or something else they want. So they are NOT after you at all. that's paranoia. Again, needs treatment. Use logic when you feel that and ask yourself "What is it they would possibly want from me?" You won't find an answer that justifies the fear so it's not likely they even notice you.
Keep that never give up mantra going, it'll always save your life.
Thank-you for your comments strangly egough im trying many things to feel better (im trying meditation) it has help a little. I've been talking to my family and i plain to make a visit to one i believde their is one at my sliding scale clinic.
Like i said im not againist anyone who use pills i agree if it makes you feel better do. If it give you the will to push on do what you need to. I'm sure your right and if pushed far eough even i would consider them. I've had many bad personal things occur around pills and so I tend to shune them.
What every helps you is more then egough no matter what it is.
Please read my message to hensley. I have tried to be rational but for some reason my mind always pulls me back in with so many redicules reasons that i just fall into a silent panic (meaning it all on the inside)
Personaly i never like them i have a heard time swallowing them but no "I" was never an addict but someone close to me was and it made me resent pills in all. This is a little more of a touchy subject i dont feel i wish to go into anymore then this
Have you found a good therapist yet? That would be the best route to go if you don't want to take pills. If you like the natural suppliments you could also try SamE or St. Johns Wort. Sometimes they can work if the depression is not to severe.
I used to have a pretty good therapist, but he just got to be so expensive that I just went to see my Psychiatrist once a month.
You seem to be avoiding the question of if you have seen a doc, or a therapist, as yet. Because of your avoiding this issue I feel the answer is NO, you haven't seen one at all.
You say you have a problem with pills. But, again, you don't say what the problem is. I read that again as saying you have not had pills either. Just a fear.
Anti depressants are NOT addictive and fearing that is self destructive.
Your profile says you are 19 years of age and your "evil" lives within you. That, my friend, is a delusion needing treatment.
I think it is time you were honest about what your situation is as, so far, you've been vague and avoided specific questions. Your choice of course but don't expect anyone to be able to help if you are not honest.
First of all i do thank-you for all of your responses and i wasnt avoiding the question. I believe i say No i dont take pills and no i havent seen a doc a Plain NO okay so before you start getting all againist me i haven't been lying about anything ive said.
I felt that last comment was an attack againist me when i came here only looking for support. and uncalled for.
I have actualy started taking St. Johns root and this morning I woke up much better not saying its the St. Johns root but i just feel much better today. And im checking into the doctor thing im srry you all felt i wasnt being honest but shame on all of you for being curl like that. I didnt come here to be judged
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