Sometimes part of me feels like I've been left to die
Ever since a bad flu four months ago, I've been a wreck. I've had terrifying palpition episodes (one night the hospital gave me three rounds of this stuff that momentarily stops your heart; unpleasant feeling), faintness and actual collapse, awful reflux and vomiting, sweating.
Basically every time I stand up my heart races and my vision eventually starts to go, if I don't just fall over out of the blue. I get worrying chest aches and tightness. I had to drop out of college, can't leave the house except for medical reasons and getting up to go to the bathroom or the kitchen can be an ordeal. So many times I've felt on the verge of something catastrophic that I'm just shell-shocked, and I'm too sick to do basically anything I enjoy. Some days I tried to feel positive, and then something scary would happen and I'd be back to shaking worrying that my heart was about to do something dangerous, or that I'd pass out and not be sure if I'd be waking up again.
My cardiologist cleared me (I already had one as I'd had pains when I run my whole life), but they've never actually seen what's happening when I collapse or my heart suddenly takes off like a huge drum out of nowhere. My condition could be postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome, which is mostly benign, but won't know that for over a month.
I feel like I'm just waiting and hoping. I don't know what other condition I could have that would be causing all this that they wouldn't have found, but when I start feeling awful I get these images. Like what a news report would say if anything happened to me, or people around trying to figure out how to work a defibrillator, or what they might find if they...I don't even like saying it.
Sometimes I feel like if I was dying, this wouldn't be a 'good' way to go. With doctors shrugging their shoulders and people around you being slow to get help since you've had so many episodes before, and being so uncertain and crippled and not even understanding why.
I just feel physically bad basically all the time, and I never had emotional problems before this, but this is hard. I'm getting help for the emotional side of things, and i'm on benzos all the time, but what can they do when my body is so rarely well?
Everything feels far away from me atm. I see people walking down the street or enjoying the sun and I marvel that I was like that not very long ago.
How long have you been on Benzo's? I feel the same as you. Went to the hospital for chest pain and was given the full Monty checkup (stayed overnite-first time). Diagnosis, heart arrhythmia, anxiety. They prescribed attenenol and benzos. After taking benzos for 1-2 years, I believe that they are the culprit for what has happened to us. Please visit substance abuse and look for us that take this med your on. You will find similar experiences. It appears that the very drugs they prescribe us make our brains sick. As I have reduced to 2 klonopin from 3. I have noticed small change. I have to be completely off this medication (no matter how long it takes), re-evaluate my true health status and find what I would call my baseline health status. I cannot continue to stay indoors, do nothing, feel nothing and just let this happen without a fight. We fight together in this community. I am stronger because of it and have regained some hope that it can be better. Your not alone. We are here.
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