Stressed

[Jaquta]

I feel like ****!  Does life ever get better?
I feel stressed to the max -or did before I started stuffing all my negative emotions with food.
I'm not sleeping very well, I've started binging majorly, I've no motivation to do anything.
Therapy was a disaster so I left three weeks ago.

Mum says Dad has raped her, the cat died, the dentist says I need my wisdom teeth out, my brother is returning home and wants his car back (my only transport), I need to pay for his insurance and registration first though.  There are so many other things I feel powerless about changing too.  Myself being one of them.

I feel really, really bad and can't deal with much more of this.

[ILADVOCATE]

That's a lot for anyone to deal with. But the first issue alone would traumatize anyone. If your mother said that your father did that to her if that is true that would be a crime and also it would break the entire family apart. If that happened she has to speak to the authorities and afterwards to a therapist. The shock of it would create havoc on anyone's emotional life. The other issues are difficult as well, some more than others but many have pragmatic solutions or coping solutions. I would speak them over with your therapist but your mother has to speak to the appropriate authorities about this herself or with another supportive family member present.

[whodunnit]

Hi Jaq,

I suspect the more you look the more things you will find wrong or threatening. You've got some very real things there to worry you alright and it's a big load.

You don't mention treatment, seeing a doc at all. Are you? If not why not?

I do hope things change for you very soon.

I'd encourage you to return to therapy though as it is the only real way to deal with these issues. Meds can help us cope while things are bad but in the end they do not cure depression etc.

[Jaquta]

Thanks!

Regarding my parents it happens because my father has no insight into his own behavior and how this affects others.  Maybe if he understood he wouldn't do it.
If affects me when he gets undressed in front of me especially when there are other options available.  I'm very sensitive so I just put it down to me.  I think it shows a lot of disrespect to both me and my boundaries.

Yes, what is right with either myself or the world?  I guess nothing feels OK, structured or contained.

Treatment is hardly worth discussing and that is perhaps why it was left out.
I see my GP weekly.  My T left last September and since then I have had long periods without support.  When support has been there it has in my opinion been unhelpful and even harmful (hence the current low mood, etc).
My health providers are aware of my situation (or were.  Things seem to be deteriorating quite quickly now.  Although I do have periods where I do plateau).  My treatment team have been liaising for the past 13-14 months but I never see anything tangible come from their discussions.

Therapy would be an option but not as it currently stands.  Everyone knows what I have been offered is unethical and contraindicated.  Yet that is my only option.
I mentioned to my T that I had urges to kill a family member and he refused to discuss it further with me.  There was no exploration, nothing.

I think what also frightens me are alternatives.
I was previously sectioned for severe depression and then later threatened with ect.  Hospital, etc really traumatized me and I never want to go back there again.
Also there was a time when I became really unwell and asked the service for support.  I was in the process of taking lethal action but reached out.  The response was to take out the rubbish, half-smile, someone who was unwell was coming in and there was nothing they could do to help.  I think that if psych emergency services can't help or offer support in a crisis then what is the point in asking for it?
That was really rejecting and painful (hurtful) and I will never ask them for help, ever!
My GP is a caring individual and means well but sometimes that means I am left dealing with a lot myself.
It's ironic that the support is so traumatizing and that is often why he allows me to struggle so much alone.

I had breast cancer treatment earlier in the year and my T said to watch out for ptsd but again wouldn't engage with me in a conversation about it.

I have the flu at the moment for the second time in six weeks and that is making me more vulnerable than I would like.

Meds?  The occasional sleeping tablet but no ad or anti-anxiety medication.

Thanks for your thoughts and comments.

[whodunnit]

Hi again,

Well I can see why you wouldn't want that therapist (???) back. He is clearly out of his depth if he avoids thoughts and ideas such as killing people. That just shows he has no idea how to deal with it so he avoids it.

I don't know what your financial situation is but from what you've written I'd have to say I would only seek a psyhciatrist to try and help as GP's really can't with so many and such complex issues. They have 5 minutes for us and that's it.

As to your father, he would seem to be the one with a real mental problem to me. Why has no one reported him to the law for his actions?

As to ECT, it is frightening if you don't want it. I didn't and refused it. I would think the US system is similar to ours here in Australia where to force ECT the opinions of 2 separate psychiatrists are needed. And then only in a situation where we are harming ourselves or a danger to others.

Given your thoughts, expressed, about killing a family member it is a possibility. This is a good reason for you to be seeing a psychiatrist, so they know if you really are a danger. If they don't know you they will judge you on the words you use you see. Which would make you a candidate.

What support are you taling about and why is it traumatic? Clearly that ain't anyone's definition of support is it?

[Jaquta]

Hi who

The mhs haven't figured out how best to support me without reinforcing pathology.
My last T was skilled and experienced and actually did help.  It was unfortunate she left so soon (after just 11 months of therapy).

The T I just left was the head of the psychology department and he said he was the most qualified person there to treat me.
I had therapy with his wife previously (who works for the same mhs) and she messed me up big time.  I told myself I would never allow a T to treat me that way again.
While her husband is more empathetic and understanding there is no leadership or direction.  I'm not prepared to go to therapy for the rest of my life just to drift and not progress.

When I look at my parents I think it is perfectly understandable that I ended up the way I have.  I think my father possibly has narcissistic traits.
My family is enmeshed and we have a degree of loyalty to each other.  Basically I guess we are all enablers.  I think my other family members are either unaffected by it or pretend (through distancing themselves from it) that it's normal.
I am the 'different one' or the one that has been diagnosed with a mental illness.  I am the one whom they chose to single out and make responsible or blame.

I think ect is frightening regardless.  I did meet someone who opted for it though just because she liked the anesthetic.
I refused to consent to the treatment too.  I live in NZ.  With me though the doctor was so insistent I had it that even in court he told the judge he would give it to me prior to a second opinion being sought as he was the responsible clinician, etc, etc.
That made me feel extremely vulnerable.  I don't think that law of separate psychiatrists works.  It depends too much on a doctors ethics and principles.
I was lucky because I managed to avoid having ect, but only just, and not because of anything I said or did.  If a doctor wants to give you something then he will.  Being sectioned gives you no rights (or at least they think it does).
The ironic thing was I wasn't even suicidal.  They changed my obs too so that they were in my face all the time when they'd already noted that that stressed me out.

Thinking about harming people is not a great sign and perhaps indicates how stressed I feel.  I want to be able to understand what is behind it so that I can change and manage the situation better.  While they're just thoughts and urges I feel OK but I want to feel confident that I won't act -ever.  Now I just don't know.

I have refused to see psychiatrists again.  My GP asked me a while back about seeing one when things were really, really bad.  I said no.  I spoke to the doctor, head of psychiatry and director of mh back in June and he told me I didn't matter and that he wouldn't fund adequate or appropriate treatment.  Nothing has changed.  I was fearful that he would section me, medicate me and give me ect.  None of what I need.  Proper therapy has been the only thing that has made any real difference.

Any and all support offered by the mhs.  I can't afford private counselling.
A lot is based on my history with the service and people within it.  I don't want to be triggered further by discussing it.  I have tried to leave the past in the past but it keeps replaying when the service responds in the same negative way.  That is also when they blame the individual and take no responsibility for the problem themselves.

Sorry for venting so much.  I guess it has helped a little.

I was thinking earlier that mh does sometimes feel like Cleudo (whodunnit).  A bit fragmented.  There are so many aspects to take into consideration too and try to resolve.
I wonder if that is what you are trying to do -solve our problems, win the game??

Thanks for your support.  Not just to me but to all the members.