Thinking

[BeautifulDisaster86]

Ive been doing a lot of thinking lately about my relationship or lack there of with my dad. Ive always tried to earn his love and attention but i feel like ive never gotten it. As a teenager i coped with anorexia, depression and extreme social anxiety which was only fueled more when id visit my dad and hed call me lazy because i didnt want to go outside and play. Im going to be 27 this coming month and to this day he cant remember the year i was born. I feel like a horrible person because i resent him for not being there for me but i also blame myself because i was apparently never deserving of his love. I have a half brother who is 10 years younger than me and has always gotten all of my dads love and attention, im so extremely jealous of that and because of the jealousy im not close with him at all. Ive been considering writing my dad a letter and pretty much telling him how i feel and cutting ties with him, although i know if i do that ill be the horrible person. All ive ever wanted is to be daddys little girl and i have never had that. My mom who has always been there for me thinks i shouldn't worry about it at all and just let it be, but i feel so unwanted and i just want to know why he never wanted to be around me and why i could never make him proud. I just need to know if writing him a letter to get closure is a good idea. Has anyone else dealt with something like this?

[hopefulforfuture]

beautiful replies ... especially journaling and working on urself .. Yes some of our thoughts are our perspectives too

[MYoungAtHeart]

I started a letter to my mom like the one you are thinking of writing to your dad.  I never sent it to her but I used it every day to write down my feelings and the letter I started years ago still continues today.  We had a very very abrasive relationship and nothing ever changed but because of the letter I started and continued helped me through the years and  when she passed away last year, I was able to hold her in my arms and tell her how much I love her and that was a real miracle in my life....

M

[BeautifulDisaster86]

I truly appreciate everything that I got back on this, I cant explain how much it means to me to know that im not alone in this. I have been so scared to go to counseling mostly for fear of judgment, but seeing that so many people have benefited from it I am now going to look into it. I am going to write a letter like thatquietgirl suggested and hold onto it, I would also like to write my questions down for him and maybe when I visit back home again I can talk to him. Thank you so much for all of your input!!

[MYoungAtHeart]

I am sorry that your relationship with your dad is not what you have wished for all your life.  You sound alot like me when I first entered therapy, and my therapist told me to go ahead and ask my dad all the questions I had, and I did it face to face after inviting him out for morning brunch.

I was so nervous and I watched his face and eyes as I asked him all the questions I had written down.  He seemed genuinely puzzled by many of my incidents I had recorded, and finally he turned and looked at me and said, " There was just so much going on during all those times, that I don't remember exactly what you are talking about." and he returned to his coffee and french toast.

At that moment I realized that the incidents in my life were now up to me to resolve or move through, and that I would have to deal with my low self esteem and anger in my own way, with my own therapy.  

Asking my dad those questions made all the difference in my life, I was able to get out of the past, out of the infancy and move on to adult life and start to take control of the life I had been given.  There are no instructions that come with parenthood, there are no secret esoteric messages that allow the parent and child to have a stress free relationship.  It is all experiments and lessons learned.  

I do wish you the very best no matter what you do

M

[hopefulforfuture]

hi
Dear friend , there are MANY reasons why a parent doesnt love his offspring ...Im still struggling with it but have read a lot about it  ....
1. My dad used to favour my sister so much and physically abuse me . As i grew up i realised he had borderline disorder and prone to anger outbursts and since my sister was manipulative and didnt challenge him he was ok with her while i used to get angry at him back which enraged him . recently though we are not best friends our relationship is much better because i know his nature(undiagnosed borderline disorder )  so i know how to deal with him  ...
2. Even without mental health problems there could be also personality differences which hamper intimacy . My mom likes me but personality wise she is unemotional and im hyperemotional . This created a lot of conflict in my adult life while in my childhood she was the "protector"  . Now we have a cordial relationship . It pains me but we cant change people ..

Sorry for venting ... The point is DONT HATE URSELF for anybody elses rejecting behaviour . Have you talked to a therapist regarding this ..  

If i were u i would see a therapist and discuss this .
Pls let me know if i was helpful

[thatquietgirl]

If writing a letter will give you closure, then do it.  I would say, however, that you hold onto it for a while.  See if simply getting everything you need to out on paper is enough.  If you decide it's not enough, then go back to the letter, read it over, edit it, and try to keep it civil.  It was most likely not your dad's intention to make you feel this way.  I would also suggest lots of journaling and perhaps some counseling/therapy.  Sometimes just getting it out and having what you feel affirmed not only by seeing it on paper and telling it to your reflection but also by someone else from the outside is such a relief it helps you go on.  Believe me, I know how you feel to an extent.

Growing up, I was very introverted and afraid to talk in front of people because of my dad.  He was judgmental as could be.  No one was good enough, even if they were Christian, because they weren't Baptist.  If they were Baptist, well, they didn't believe xyz.  So, I didn't dare get close to someone because I was afraid of disappointing him.  I didn't ask to do gymnastics or figure skating because of his comments about the outfits being short.  Every action was dictated by a desire to please my dad, but it never seemed to be enough.  He always gave my sister attention, placed her on a pedestal.  Sure, he gave me attention, but it wasn't the same, you know?  It was like I had to be perfect, but she could make mistakes and still be loved, a double standard.  There comes a point when you have to realize that these desires aren't always for the best.  I found this out when he kicked me out over nothing, and I learned things about him that made me realize what a horrible person he was.  If I had learned these at a younger age or in an emotional state worse than where I was at the time, if I had not had a support system at the time?  I would have been crushed.  Now that he's written my sister off?  Oh, he wants to spend all sorts of time with me, but I feel like leftover scraps.  He can't have a close relationship with my little sister, so he's going to me now.  Likely that none of this was his intention, but I have to accept that this is who he is and I have to decide where to go.  I'm actually going to be addressing this in my therapy sessions as I feel it's what's needed at this point in my life.