I have a really close relationship with my mom and my boyfriend. And over the last 2 months my depression and anxiety came back full force. But I feel like I can't tell either one of them much about it.
With my mom its because she has her own issues, she has PTSD and depression as well, and hers has become very very bad lately. I do everything I can when I'm home from college (once a week), we talk about what she's going through and do fun stuff together. I want to tell her about how bad things have gotten, I wish I could talk to her, but I know she is in a fragile place right now and I know how worried and overwhelmed she would be if she knew. So even though I know she would be supportive, I think it would be potentially volatile if she knew her child was in pain on top of everything else she's dealing with.
With my boyfriend its completely different. We have been together 5 years, he knows me better than anyone and he has seen me depressed before; but because we dont live together he only sees what I let him and what i can't hide. And so far he has been great, asking how Im doing and stuff. But I'm tired of being a wet blanket, I love that I know I can talk to him when I'm depressed, but who would want to be in a relationship like that?? I asked if how I've been has been stressing him out or anything and he said not at all, but still... I just feel like its getting in the way. If I didn't spend an hour and a half sobbing we could have been seeing a movie, or going out to eat, or doing anything else fun. But instead it brings down the mood, and i dont care I know it has to worry him a little, and gets in the way. I just know we were really happy this summer, and we're doing fine now, but its missing the fun.. we still dont fight and we have a great sex life, but the fun isn't there like it was before. I'm not fun anymore.
So I've been thinking that if I don't tell him whats going on then he can believe I'm getting better and when we're together I can put on a face and not be such a downer. I think "well, I'll just bring it up in therapy or group instead". But they are the ones I really want to talk to.. group and therapy are great, but its not the same and I just want to tell them so bad everytime I'm upset, but I can't think of how or when to say things. I'm so lonely.
Although your mom is having her own problems, by telling her yours, you will give her strength, and she will no longer dwell on her own issues, she will concentrate on getting you well. As moms, nothing comes before our children no matter how old they are. Your mom may have lost her sense of purpose when you went away to college on top of previous events in her life. At least give her a chance. You cannot continue in a relationship pretending to be happy, not fair to either of you, and he will see thru you eventually. He sounds like a wonderful man! Also, talking to your mom or boyfriend my not be your best road to recovery, you need a psychiatrist who is trained to help you sort, and work thru your issues. Are you on medication for your depression? I can tell you that as a mother with 2 adult children, and dealing with depression due to the loss of my son and grandson, everything in my life changes focus if one of my children needs me. It makes me look for ways to support and help them, which only makes me realize so much myself. I hope this helps.....
Thank you for your comment, : ) it made me smile. To answer your question I am on medication, which is another thing on my mind. I have been on Wellbutrin since i was 12, but only 150mg. My psychiartist passed away a couple years ago and we didn't get a new one, just let our pediatrician and therapist. So recently my therapist noticed how low my dose was and suggested I go to my Dr for an increase, and also to discuss an anti anxiety (she suggested buspar as a possibility). I feel nervous, but eager to make these changes because I feel like I've worked really hard, but I can only do so much without medication that works. Unfortunatly my dr is booked until January... which was very disappointing. I am going to try to ask for an appointment with another member of the practice, hopefully they will. I really need help, I cannot wait that long. I want to start these med changes over the holiday break so that it might be working by the time school starts and in case I dont react well.
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