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Trepidation or Insanity?
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Trepidation or Insanity?

I have a bit of a problem, and am hopping someone could help me. This is more of an anxiety issue than depression, although anxiety is the root of my depression.

I have a deep obsession with darkness and the paranormal, such as death. I fear this will construct tribulations in the future, because I can’t pull away from it.

A woman from a local church told me I’m in jeopardy of demonic possession and am a portal for demons because of my lack of faith in God and love for evil, thus Lucifer is after me because I have a significant purpose in the world.

I almost feel ecstasy from that; somehow I don’t consider that as normal to have such feelings.

Basically what I’m trying to state is I’m terrified that I’ll end up in Hell, but part of me wants to. Which is pretty f’d up.

I’m also afraid I’ll be another crime statistic, for I envision slaughtering or hurting people a lot, because I’m tired of people and their trivial and self-centered 'issues'.

I suppose this is all confusion, and I’m not sure what to believe in, but why would I have such atrocious and vile feelings like that? Do I have a split personality? I mean, seriously.

I never used to be this way...
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first of all, forget about lucifer or being a portal for demons.  that is nonsense but can create alot of anxiety nonetheless.  sounds to me you may have "intrusive" awful thoughts associated with OCD.  this does not make you evil.  this makes you confused and anxious.  the causes of these intrusive thoughts (if that's what they are) can be sorted out with the help of a psychotherapist.  hell, demons and the like are very common metaphors some of us use to put a face on tangled feelings that make us feel like we're "bad".  this is not uncommon.  mentioning that you want to "end up in hell"  sounds like either a form of neurotic self punishment or a cockeyed stab at being a "badasss".  whatever any of this is, anxiety and depression should not go untreated.  an appointment with your doctor and a referral to an analyst or psychiatrist should help you get in touch with your "vile" feelings which are likely caused by repressed or suppressed anger.   suppressing anger can lead to all sorts of confused feelings including feeling "vile, atrocious, evil"  and the like.  
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I’m sure I have OCD, I worry about the most insignificant and bizarre things, a perfect example would be writing this response. Nevertheless, I know people feel that religion’s a bunch of ****, but I for some reason believe in it. For a while I was anti-religion, and alleged I was my own god. It changes quite a bit; I go back and forth with that. Perhaps I only want to believe it because it adds some amusement to life. As for burning in Hell, that probably is all in self retribution. I already slice my arm up and burn myself now; I’m morbidly miserable with myself. No, I don’t do that for attention like most do, being I try the best I can to hide it. I am aware it's dangerous, but I still do it. Every now and then, it's for that definite reason; hoping it will hurt me. I see what you mean by the whole "badass" thing; I know a lot of people that are purely conceited, when in fact they are no better than you or me. I haven't seen a psychiatric specialist in over a year, same with a regular doctor. I would be seeing one but I'm only 16, therefore I don't have much of a choice, unless I were to call 911. I've told my parents I want to be put in a hospital but they would just tell me, "Oh come on you don't wanna to go there." If I didn't want to I wouldn't have said so. I have a lot of obsessions that I can't rid of, I obsess over nearly anything. If I made a list of everything, I would feel sick from doing so. I try to enjoy my life the best I can, I seem "happy" most of the time, but I know that I'm only faking my contentment. As far as being intellectual I don't really think I am, people do compliment my writing a lot, which I don't exactly understand but hey. I don't mind compliments. :-P
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Please get help right away. If you live in town maybe you should try walking to the emergancy room yourself IF your parents really don't think you need it. 911 is also a good thing to do if you are hurting yourself. Try talking to your parents again. I think they do want the best for you. Show them what you do to yourself if they don't want to believe. They could be in denial as most parents want to believe their children are perfect! LOL I suggest you don't leave God out of it. You need him as your protection and a guide. He can work mearacls. Everytime you get an evil thought, pray for release and protection from it. It is good to love God but do be careful of being caught up in an emotional type religian. I don't want to give you a sermon but the bible does say..."Ye must be born again to enter the kingdom of heaven" I'll pray for you
It hurts to read you are only 16. I was not a happy person at that age either and didn't know how to get help. I am glad you are trying. KEP AT IT TILL YOU SUCCEDE! Sorry my spelling so bad.
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Most people don't undestand about spiritual things and so therefore say they're nonsense. I do believe that there is indeed a spiritual world out there and we need to be careful what we put in our minds and bodies.
Since you know that you have trouble with depression and anxiety, you need to be especially careful what kind of music you're listening to, what kinds of books you're reading, what kinds of people you're hanging out with. This will all have a big impact on how you think and feel. Try and surround yourself with positive people and things.

I agree with some of the posters here. We all can tend to have that fascination with the dark things I guess because it seems forbidden or untouchable. We have that rebelliousness in us that says we want to do the thing we shouldn't! Also, fear can highten our senses and even release adrenalin which can make us feel sharp, energetic, excited. That's why so many people like scary movies. They like that feeling the movie gives them.
I think you're at the age where you are trying to figure out who you really are and that's very normal. It's normal to explore all kinds of things.
I do worry about the cutting and burning though. I think you should see a counselor who works with teens and self-mutilation. You obviously feel things very deeply. That can be a good thing and a bad thing. You seem like a very creative, smart person. You don't have to live like this. Please talk to your parents again and be more specific and honest with them. Show them the scars and marks. I know it will shock them but it may be the very thing the need to see so that they can know how serious this is. I wish you the best.
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april2, no offense but i think it's a bit irresponsible to to give any credo whatsoever to someone's false fixed belief that they may be a portal for demons or that lucifer is after them.  this plays into, and supports  magical thinking and does the sufferer absolutely no good.  
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To: Hensley258

I agree it probably sounded sarcastic to them, seeing that is my remote reaction to frustration. This time I was being serious though. Maybe that was another veiled lesson, to be less cynical. I dropped out of school in 9th grade, which is more embarrassing to say than going to the school counselor by far. It was because I could no longer deal with the daily torment, after 11 years you get tired of people beating you to the ground for having courage to be self expressive, not literally beating. Although I’d rather be hurt physically than mentally, as in I could care less if I had one leg and no arms, just as long as I can smile and mean it.

To: george73

I’m sure I could manage to make it there, but for one I don’t even know where it is, which is a problem, especially if I were to have a dire emergency. I’m pretty sure they aren’t in denial of my status on the perfection scale; they have no problem gathering all my mishaps and throwing it in my face. I could never leave my religion as much as I try; a little voice deep within my soul declares that the existence of Heaven and Hell is fact, no matter what is said. The reason is vague; the only thing that comes to mind is several “ironic” experiences I’ve encountered.  Your spelling is fine, if I can comprehend your point then there’s no problem. :-)

To: April2

That’s interesting that you mentioned music, I never considered that. I typically listen to black metal, if I were to be more specific Dark Funeral is my unconditional favorite, I will die listening to them. I read stories about murders/crime scenes and vampires; very seldom I will read a romance novel. As for friends, they’re “different” but don’t like the little disturbing things I do, they ridicule me half the time. They tell me I’m only choosing to live like this; well I can’t control all of it, I am who I am. When you say these will have an impact on my mood, do you mean that as those being influential? I’m not one who’s influenced easily, everything that I’m interested in I’ve gathered from things I come across, and decide to like or not to like on my own, I can’t exactly explain it. Sometimes I’ll create my own thing.  I do agree with your statement concerning rebellion; I’m a pretty rebellious person, one that goes against the norm, but not quite in a disobedient way. Fear is one thing I’m trying to avoid, it doesn’t make me feel excited, it makes me feel like I’ve come face to face with the end of the world, all of my moods are overly dramatized, unfortunately I can’t help that. Trust me, it drives me insane.

I’m not trying to figure out who I am, but more of who I was. My personality will transition into an entirely different person, every two years or so. I will go from being more of a normal person, still weird but not as, to a horrifying monstrosity as I am now, then I go back to being normal. Sometimes I will catch myself telling people things and not knowing what the hell I’m talking about, not purposely. Now I just sound like a psychopath, but if no one knows these things how can I expect help?
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I agree with April. Music is a very influentual thing. So are your reading habits. Do an experiment and don't allow yourself anything but uplifting things for awhile. I am curious how you will feel. I have done that myself. I used to listen to country and I realized one day that 99.9% of those songs where in essense all poor me, my girlfriend left me or my wife kicked me out or I am so lonesome I hurt, etc. I would feel so depressed and wonder if life was worth living. I quit listening to that and started listening to Uplifting and posative gospel music and it is like day and night!!!!
I am uncomfotable with your term 'I'll die listening to them' Please don't! 911 is alot easier and safer way to get help. You wouldn't only ruin your life but everybody that has come in contact with you and possibly others that don't even know you personally.
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