I wasn't sure where to put this question, this topic seemed like the best all inclusive.
The relationship that I'm in did not have the best start, we were both young and naive. We went to a party and someone slipped something in her drink, the next thing i knew she was all over random guys, I eventually got her out and home and safe and decided not to go out with her again, that she wasn't intereted in me she was just a party girl.
At the time I didn't know that her drink had been spiked it was a few weeks after we actually started dating that i found out, but then it was too late, I couldn't stop thinking about her with all of the other guys.
As our relationship progressed it got worse. I was very inexperienced and very insecure in all things to do with love and sex. It caused some ED for me and alot of angst for us both. Eventually i got over it. or so I thought.
Over the next few years, things kept happening, signs all over the place. I learned about her exs, and about what they were like and over a few drunk conversations I found out too much, the visuals started, all of these guys and her. Then one night when we're lying in bed laughing she blurts out, 'oh i love you Phil' I'm not Phil.
It was about then that I was diagnosed OCD.
The ideas of her exes kept haunting me. one night while in a cab, making out drunk, she told me about how much she loved watching guys faces when they touched her. I flipped, inside. I tried so much never to let on that all of these things bothered me, It felt young and petty and not worth it. I was told that was part of the OCD but that never helped, my therapist kept wanting to put me on medication but I've had family member and friends react badly to SSRI's so I didn't want to go down that path.
Then she called me by the wrong name again, and then, when we'd been dating for 18 months and she'd be apart from her last exe for more than 2 years, she called me by his name again.
Just when I was convinced that all would be lost, we had a talk, that helped, I started a great job, that helped, it was summer and beautiful and that helped. I started saving for a ring. Then my work place entered financial trouble and shutdown we were all laid off, for me, a new boy, severance wasn't great. For the next few months my money ran out and then I had to depend on her. I was so glad when i got another job, It was not the best one, I felt it a bit beneath me to be honest, so did she, but it was work.
It was at work that the thoughts came back. In the locker room there were four lockers clustered near mine that belonged to people with the same names as her exes. The work was mindless, factory style, I never had enough on my mind to distract me. The thoughts got worse, and worse. Through this i felt like i couldn't tell her. I didn't want to admit going backwards. It was a mistake.
I pent it up and it got worse and worse, I started acting increasingly cold and distant. I wouldn't talk to her after I got home from work, having thought about things that "she put in my head" all day (12 hour shifts). I got angrier and angrier. I started watching porn, a lot of it. I always had before we dated and had been when we'd started dating, but I'd stopped, (with difficulty) after she spoke to me about it. unfortunately on more than one occasion.
I'd reconsidered it. It felt crap, wrong. We'd talked about porn, and I'd thought more about how harmful it is, but in my anger I didn't care much. I hated it, it was only to 'get her back' because I knew she'd hate it. but i never wanted to hurt her outright, just in my mind, to get even, to have thoughts that we not of her and her ex boyfriends, it wasn't working.
Eventually the thoughts spread everywhere to the point that every time she said "i love you" I'd think "I'm so glad she didn't say Phil."
Then some girl at work noticed me, started chatting to me. I knew that I'd never touch her, kiss her or anything, I never wanted to, I was just so glad for something that felt sexual, playful, that wasn't also full of thoughts that I never wanted to have.
Then I gave her chocolates because she was single and it was valentines day, she knew I had a girlfriend and that i'd given chocolates to other people but I felt bad about it after and wrote about her. and that. I felt awful, I couldn't rationalize why, I knew that my girlfriend would hate it. I snapped. I realized that I needed a change, the porn stopped, except for a few files that I'd forgotten existed on my computer.
two weeks later, my girlfriend, angry about the porn that I'd admitted to, and rightly suspicious searched my computer and read my email.
Now her emotions are ruined. She feels unnatractive to me, even though she's gorgeous, she started lossing weight because she thinks that i think she's fat, she hates me and wishes she never had anything to do with me and on balance I don't blame her.
I dealt with hurt outside of the relationship, and that opened doors to a path i never would have gone near if I'd had my head above water. Now the love of my life is hurting, all the time. shes afraid of me seeing other girls, literally just seeing them in public, afraid of me being out of the house without her, but hates it when she's with me.
She feels like she's not want I want in a woman, that her body is ugly. I hate it. Prior to this incident at work and the incidents with porn (which i'd deluded myself into thinking were ok because the images of women were no match for the "Great" lovers she'd had, a stupid thing to think) I've wanted her and only her for so long. Now its all messed up.
I know that I've done wrong, I know that I need to do better.
Since this incident I've left the job and started looking for one in my field, a chance to use my degree.
I've been so aware of people in the world and not making her feel threatened in anyway, though its hard. The standards have changed so I have to be careful about her even thinking I've seen another woman while we're out in public. I've never seen so much sidewalk or nearly run into so many people from having my head down.
I know that trinkets are not going to prove it. I made her a mandala near the beach and I write her emails about all of the things about her body that I love and I'm taking up the slack around the house, making sure that she never has to do too much or look after me.
I know she still loves me. I know that I love her. I wish that I could go back in time, to a time where I could stop my self, from looking at the porn even, years before I ever started the crap job.
But what can i do now? I try to show her my love, show her my sorrow. I get flustered and run out of words to say sorry and sit quietly, afraid to saying something more that will bring the wrong emotions back, not wanting to annoy her by saying the wrong thing, so after i explain, we sit, in silence, then she says that she feels alone, still alone, like when I was at the job and would come home angry and we'd be there in silence.
I'm looking for jobs everyday, applying to where ever I can, even if its crap. But now I'm running out of money again. I can't expect her to support me, we live in a tiny apartment to save money from when I was out of work the first time, now it's really getting to us. She works at home and my being here is distracting, as are all of the thoughts that she has.
I can't stand this situation. I know I've been wrong and that she'll never see me the same way again, I just want her to know and feel that I love her, and somehow, if i can, I want to make it work.
If anyone can help me please, please do.
I can't see her cry anymore, I can't see her sad.
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