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Avatar universal

What is wrong with me?

Ok, i was diagnoised with major depressive disorder last year, i have had anxiety, panic attacks, argraphobia for years for which i recieved cbt therapy with a great therapist. I can't seem to accept that i am depressed, i won't take medication and i struggle daily with suicidal thoughts, i go from ok to angry and depressed and suicidal in a few hours is this normal with depression? It takes very little to set me of. Its disrupting my whole life, i feel like i can't do anything anymore i have no interest in people and i don't feel like i belong anywhere. Its getting to a point where i want to just go away from everyone, i have tried talking to my therapist about the suicidal thoughts but it seems there is nothing anyone can do. I have been hospitialized because of this but it never helped, what can i do? I am just wondering does it sound like i am depressed and why can't anyone help?
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Avatar universal
I also wanted to mention that group therapy can be very helpful.I was opposed to group for years,mostly because it sounded way too scary.Telling strangers what I go through? I don't think so! Well I finally decided to give it a shot.The first couple of times I was terrified,but once u realize that the people are there 4 the same reasons u are,it becomes a comforting experience.Please get that suicide stuff out of your vocabulary,I have never even met u , but I hope that is somethig u never actually do!
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Avatar universal
I have experienced all of what you speak.I havebeen diagnosed with what used to be referred to as "clinical depression".I have been diagnosed as bi-polar with numerous anxiety disorders.I have been prescribed at least a dozen different meds, none of which have helped my mental state.I am very sensitive to meds,as you seem to be as well.I would not take some of the advice  that others have posted. I just experienced a toxic reaction to 2 of my meds[fluoxetine and trazodone]I went to" Drugs.com "and found out those meds should not be prescribed together! In any case make sure you do plenty of research b4 taking anything!You need to double check your sources too,alot of the websites are run by the pharmaceutical companies.I found out the hard way that you have to be very diligant when it comes to your own health care. Make sure you are'nt being used as a human guniea pig,read everything a mental health center has you sign.I don't want to freak u out,but I also don't want u to make foolish mistakes out of desperation to feel better.
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Avatar universal
I'm really hoping you do well with the intense therapy also. You read what my daughter wrote in the above post, lboogie. She's been in trauma therapy once a week for 3 months and it's been very hard at times but she's also gotten so much out of it. We're here for you. Please feel free to PM me any time you want. Take care. Remar
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Avatar universal
Its not that i want to feel this way but i am really afraid of medication i have had several bad reactions to medication. I am hoping the intensive therapy will work, i'm not anti-medication for everyone just its not for me.
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Avatar universal
I know that feeling of not wanting to be here somedays its frustrating to fight with this on a daily basis. My therapist keeps saying i need to give it time, its easy for him to say. He has been a good support but i feel like i am constantly bothering him although he says i'm not and that he will do whatever he can to help but i still feel bad.
I don't think i'm bi polar but i definetly have issues the anger is not good, i smash things and i can be aggressive, then i get very suicidal when i feel like i am losing control, i then want to get away from it all, my therapists says medication would stabilize my moods but i'm still to scared to take them,
Yeah, maybe tomorrow will be better than tonight. Thanks
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Avatar universal
Thankyou its good to know i'm not alone. Life is totally stressful at the minute and i am so anxious about going for the therapy i know i will struggle to cope, i am argraphobic so being away from home will be hard in itself but my therapist knows this but he is afraid how i will react to the therapy. Its not as restricted as a hospital but its staffed by mental health nurses so he thinks its a safer environment, i can leave when i want well i hope i can, i am to see a doctor before i go and i am afraid that he will recommend that i go to hospital instead. Thanks again for being there.
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1312584 tn?1280934685
Hey hun, I can totally relate with what you're going through... I was diagnosed with severe depression last August but with a lot of help and support from my family, friends and my loving fiance I'm managing to deal with it a lot better.

I no longer get suicidal thoughts, sometimes a passing thought of cutting but it never comes to anything, I've learnt to be a lot stronger than that.

I was first on Fluoxetine for a month but that made me quite zombie-like so was put on 250mg of Sertraline and since I was sexually assaulted in Feb it's been doubled and I seem a lot stronger in myself since.

Hope this helps you a little, message me if you wanna talk. As I can totally relate with your situation I'm more than happy to help anyone else in the same boat

x
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Avatar universal
I'm feeling a lot like you these days.   You are not alone in the way you are feeling.   In fact, much of what you have posted, I could have written about myself.   Like you, I go from angry/agitated to hopeless/depressed.   Not much in between.  I am not a doctor, but isn't bi-polar when one has mood swings from very happy to very sad?   Going from angry/agitated to sad/hopeless doesn't sound like bi-polar to me.  But what do I know?  

I have been off work since late March due to my depression/anxiety.   I am not blamming Chantix, but my depression set in soon after  I started Chantix in December to quit smoking.   The good news is that I am tobacco free for five months.  The bad news is I want to end my life some days.   My doctor keeps tinkering with the zoloft dosage, but it hasn't helped much yet.  

Let's agree not to  give up hope.   Tomorrow has the possibility of being better than tonight.  
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1291268 tn?1274810922
ECT is usually the treatment of last resort.  You seem to prefer living with pain and suffering then to take medicine. Where I'd have my right arm chopped off rather then live with the suffering of depression and anxiety.  
ECT is actually very effective but not to be taken lightly. I had 7 treatments 20 years ago and it didn't help me.  However there were little sideffects.  I had them as an outpatient and went back to work after the last one.  
Medication is the only thing that helps me.  You cannot tell me anything that's going to make me feel better so 'talk therapy' to  me is a waste of time.  My problem is a physical one.
HOWEVER learning about one's illness and how to deal with it properly is required.
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Avatar universal
My daughter and I are here to help in any way we can. With PTSD, depression and anxiety it's no wonder your feeling the way you are. I do understand that the thoughts your having are very scary. Hopefully going in to the treatment facility will be a huge help to you. We're here for you. Remar
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Avatar universal
Sorry about that, my mom was still logged into her page when I posted that comment. Like I said feel free to add me as a friend!
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Avatar universal
I am currently in a study for PTSD and it really never occurred to me that I had it until I started this Cognitive Processing Therapy. I thought it was just major clinical depression and generalized anxiety disorder, what I had been previously diagnosed with. It has not been easy at all, but I think I am getting a lot out of it and highly recommend pursuing that type of therapy, as well as CBT which is similar. I have my issues with meds and I won't go back on for a variety of reasons. I have not been on here much lately, but remar is my mom and she knew that I could probably relate and let you know that you are welcome to add me as a friend and go through my journals, see if you relate and get anything out of them. Without knowing what kind of trauma you have experienced, I can't say what might work for you, but I've found for myself it is a combination of things. Please do not get a large quantity of meds to end things once and for all. I have done that myself and after the last time a year and a half ago, I decided to start changing my life. I still deal with the memory damage caused by an overdose, and I hate to hear someone feeling suicidal if that is the case. Do not feel bad about reaching out for help, it's what this community is for. And it can be comforting and reassuring to realize there are a lot of us that are dealing with similar issues.
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Avatar universal
No, does that really work? I would be too scared, hopefully i can get better with just talking.
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Avatar universal
I am to meet with the pscyhatrist next week so i will talk more with him, then the following week i am going to a place to receive therapy for trauma its intensive and i have to stay there a week and my therapist will come and see me everyday, he wants to do it there because its safer its staffed by mental health nurses and i have less chance of getting away.
The thoughts are scary and confusing and i get confused alot and i have little concentration so i really need to do something, like today i was really depressed and suicidal then i calmed a bit then i got anxious then i was hyper i couldn't sit at peace and i was shaking now i have returned to really anxious i really don't get it, i need to relax. I talked with my therapist today it helped abit but i can't keep calling him everytime i am falling apart, Thanks for listening.
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1291268 tn?1274810922
have you considered ECT?
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Avatar universal
Effexor is in a class by itself. Prozac is the first SSRI  that became available and if you were able to take it you should be able to tolerate a different SSRI. I have never taken Prozac but I have heard from some people that it can be stimulating. Please do not give up! I was feeling like you not long ago. I just started Lexapro 2 weeks ago and I'm already starting to feel better. My anxiety is less and so is my depression. I have'nt had a suicidal thought since being on this med. Not that I would ever do anything, just having those thoughts is a scary thing. You really should talk with your Dr about trying another med. I'm always here to talk with you. You can send me a PM if you want to talk in private. Remar
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Avatar universal
It was the ssri's i think, exffeor was one that i reacted quite badly too, prozac was ok but i couldn't sleep and valium just made me like a zombie, i know thats not many, but i have taken medication for other medical illness and been allergic to that as well, but at this point today i am feeling really bad, maybe medication in large quantities would help, once and for all.
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Avatar universal
Can you say what meds you've tried? The SSRI's or SNRI's or both. There's also the older meds that a lot of Drs are going back to. You mention that your moods cycle very fast. Have you talked to your Dr about the possibility of being bi-polar? I'm not saying you are, but with your moods going up and down so fast it's definitively worth checking in to. Remar
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Avatar universal
Yeah, i am afraid of medication i have tried several types and i have been allergic to alot of stuff, it scares me that my only hope may be medication. Thanks for replying
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Avatar universal
To me, it does sound like major depression. Why won't you try medication? Are you afraid? Medication along with therapy can do wonders for many people.
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