What is wrong with me

It's been almost a year since me and a long time boyfriend of mine has broken up, he was my first love, he was the love of my life actually. I since then married but i can't seem to find myself happy in this marriage. I find myself thinking of him and wanting to be with him. I don't sleep to avoid dreaming about him, every song, everything on the television, every place reminds me of him. I was happy when I was with him eventhough we didnt have anything. I seem to have everything i ever wanted in my marriage now but im not happy. Am I just being selfish?, maybe. BUt I feel like some days i cant go on with life without him. I have this great guy here with me now, who despite what I did to him still married me and provided me with everything I wish my life would be. I am very depress I dont know what to do. i want to get past what was and focus on what I have now and make this marriage work but I dont know where to start or how to start when I cant seem to pick up the pieces. I need to know how soon before its too late.

[lonewolf07]

Do you think you might be romanticizing this former boyfriend.  A lot of us tend to look at the past and see it as being "better" than the present.  You must have broken up for some reason(s).

I know I'm hanging onto the past - for a different reason than you are but a lot of what you feel, I feel too.

Hugs

wolf

[leah209]

We broke up because I cheated on him with my husband now. Both have forgiven me and forgot about it but I keep thinking to myself, What If? I can honestly say that if I had the chance to get back with him i would. I know that makes me a bad person because not only am I hurting myself I'm hurting a lot of people in the long run. He was my best friend and now i feel like I lost everything. sometimes when i'm driving I feel like driving my car off the road or wishing please let a car hit me. I'm so scare right now of what I would do. I want to tell my husband that i think i need help but havent i put him through so much already?

[lonewolf07]

It doesn't make you a bad person.  You made a mistake and both your former b/f and your husband have forgiven you.

Can you get help without telling your husband?  If not, does he have to know why?  I would think he would encourage you to get help, especially if you want to drive your car off the road.

[leah209]

I just don't know anymore, it would be the biggest blow to his pride to let him know I'm still in love with my ex and be married to you is making me depress. I can't hurt him like that. I find myself at times when I'm with him and I'm actually happy, then something in my brains like tells me no you cant be happy.

[lonewolf07]

I really think counselling of some kind would be helpful.  Something else might be bothering you as well as the b/f issue.  When you said your brain won't let you be happy - I know the feeling.

[leah209]

our song just came on and i can't stop crying. My mind and my heart is filled with all these thought and feelings right now, I really don't know how long this can go on.

[lonewolf07]

Just call me "whoever cares".  Sorry that I'm so uncaring.  Sometimes I wonder why I come out here at all.

I'm sure you'll get a "real" person next time.

Just sign me ....

whoever

[leah209]

i don't it like that. It wasn't directed towards you or anybody specific. I'm sorry if I offended you. Your advice is very helpful and I appreciated it more then you'll ever now. I'm still new to this computer thing. Forgive me?

[Hensley258]

So are you still in direct contact with this ex-boy friend? If so is your husband aware of this contact?

[leah209]

no I havent talk to him, the last time we talk was before I left and he sent me a birthday wish in march.

[Hensley258]

Well leah, it's not abnormal for you miss a lost love, nor does it make you a bad person. I think a lot of us go thru that exact same thing at some point in our lives.

Like you I am also Married and there was a time in my Marriage when I found myself hurting inside because I really missed my ex-girlfriend that I was with prior to meeting my Wife.

Then one day I realized that it wasn't that I was missing my ex-girlfriend, as much as I was missing the time and experience we shared together. She was a free spirit and so was I at that time. The relationship we had was intense, explosive, exciting and very wild.
That was actually a lot of what I was missing. But then as I thought about it more I came to the realization that I really wouldn't want my Wife to be like that.

So you see what I'm saying? Maybe your missing the time you shared rather than actually missing the person.

I am a very firm beleiver that if a relationship is too passionate and too exciting, that those kinds of relationships never work out in the long run. So in reality this man your Married to that is stable, level headed, a good provider, and who loves you very much, may just be the perfect person for you.

The perfect love may be standing right in front of you and you don't even know it.
Sometimes Marrage gets better with time. Mine did and I have since discovered how lucky I am to have such a great partner in my life.

I'm just saying that sometimes we connect happiness with past thoughts of times when things were different. The past always seems more fond than the future.

Give your Husband a chance. It sounds like he loves you more than the world, and I bet he would part Heavan and Earth for you if need be. he deserves all of your love, not just the part left over.

In the end if you simply can not be happy with him, well then you must be honest with him. I am sure if he had a choice he would want either all of you, or none of you.
halfways don't cut it in Marrage.

Good luck to you.