What the hell did I do now?

[doctora]

We attended a Halloween party over the weekend.  I was on the same meds that I have been for a while now, but the last few days I have been very tired.
We went to the party, and about 2 hrs later, I could hardly keep my eyes open, and it was becoming obvious. I was trying my best but I was exhausted.
My daughter thought that I was being rude and disrespectful because I was socializing minimally, and she thought what I was doing because I was tired, was being done because I felt that her boyfriends family was not good enough for me, but that certainly was not the case.
My husband drove us home, and I did say good-bye to a few people, but many were out in the backyard around a bonfire.
I do admit that I should have gone down to the bonfire to say goodbye, but I just wanted to go to bed.
Now I have been banned by my daughter to attend any future events, and she has stopped calling me. Then the next day after she talked to my husband, he got mad at me because he is going to visit his family, and I told him that I would rather stay here, and be with my friends, but this incident got him going, now if I dont go and visit his family, which is a 4 hr drive one way, he tells me we are over.
Why dont they understand? Why is everything twisted from my intentions, which are innocent, to being cruel, rude and unacceptable? Why can I not decide what I want to do with my time? Everything I do seems to be wrong, and the constant hate against me is hurting me deeply...I am trying the best I can.
I dont know whether I should send a card to my daughters boyfriends parents to thank them for inviting me, and try to explain that I was over tired, but then that could be misunderstood...what should I do?  This is making very depressed.

[ILADVOCATE]

Perhaps you were tired because you were stressed out about thinking about what would happen at the event and having trouble sleeping beforehand. You did your best. They should not ostracize you for what you can't help.

[doctora]

Actually the last week I have been really tired. I hadnt change my meds., but I am thinking of dropping the 100mg of Quetiapine I take at lunch, maybe that would help. I dont understand, I am sleeping 9-11 hrs and am still tired. The Dr. just prescribed Abilify as an add on, and I am hoping it gives me some energy.
I know they shouldnt ostracize me, and it seems that when I try to explain, they relate it to me being a drama queen, what they dont realize is that in my eyes, there is no solution, I feel like I am always at fault and no matter what I say or do, it is misunderstood. And they wonder why I dont go out in public. They dont realize that everytime I get blamed for something it is like a knife going through my heart.
I dont know how to explain it any better than I did, and I dont like feeling so tired, hopefully with adjustment with my meds. maybe the Abilify will help reverse the fatigue?

[mammo]

I do think you need to send the parents a card, thanking them for having you, and apologizing for having to leave and just say you weren't feeling well.  If your husband's family lives 4 hours away then I doubt that he gets to see them that often, and you should go with him, you can always see your friends.  Your daughter will get over this, especially when she hears that you sent a card to her boyfriend's parents.  I've been thru the triedness that goes along with depression, and there were times I felt I could have layed down in the parking lot and slept like a baby.  My psychiatrist tells me to never give in to this, and I don't.  I do hope the 3 of you get this worked out.  But if you go with your husband, you need to tell him that it's because you want to, and that you realize he doesn't get to see them that often.

[doctora]

Thank you & ILADVOCATE for your suggestions, I appreciate it. Mammo you are right he doesnt see his family often, I often feel out of place. I have no family aside from my brother who I dont talk to often, so even though the in -laws are family, they are not blood, and I often feel out of place. My husband told all of them about my bi-polar issues, and I always feel that I am walking on egg shells, and they think about me differently.
Its going to be difficult to write the card and see the in-laws but I think you are right.

[mammo]

I'm sure your husband's family doesn't look at you any differently, and if anything, are concerned.  Writing the card will show what a classy woman you are, and going with your husband to see his family will show love and support for him, and impress his family!  Plus, hold your head high and above all...be yourself.  Enjoy yourself while there, you cannot worry about what others think.  Have a good time.....

[whodunnit]

Hi there,

Depression and bi polar depression are very selfish illnesses. They want all your attention, time and energy. They don't leave you anything for yourself, let alone others.

Tiredness is a symptom of both and it is almost impossible to fix it without totally recovering from depression Doc. It's part of the depression, most meds make you feel tired and weak and of course the sleep disturbances cause more of the same.

Some of us sleep and sleep and sleep but we never feel anything but tired. The issue here is sleep disturbance. Too much, too little, can't sleep, can't wake up, stay up late, wake up late. It's all disturbance from a healthy sleep pattern we once had that helped keep our feet on the ground.

I gave up worrying about what other people thought some years back now as I knew I had a long battle on my n=hands which called for me to do what I needed to do, when I needed to do it. My partner took a little time to adjust and frankly the rest don't really matter.

If people don't understand your needs for time to yourself and how the symptoms work you could spend time trying to educate them. But I can guarantee you they will see and hear nothing except whatever affects their own little world. We can't make others understand this until they feel it and we wouldn't want that would we.

I would suggest you focus on your partner and try to get him to both understand and allow you the leeway to do what your illness needs of you. Fighting it and going on trips you feel you can't will only make things worse betweeen you I'd suggest.

Ask him how he'd feel if you did go and you couldn't wake up, or had a bi polar high and low the same day etc. Ask him how he'd feel trying to explain it to his family. Ask him if he's prepared to learn enough to be able to explain what happens to you. Ask him if he actually cares about you or just pleasing his family.

There's some tough stuff above and it's not easy to do or even consider doing Doc. But if you don't start confronting their paranoias it will just get worse. If they understand you are just too tired to do this or that and they go and have fun, what's the problem? You'll be there when they get home, safe and sound.

I don't agree you need to apologise for being tired. If you start that you'll be doing it forever and once they think you acknowledge there is "fault" they will constantly pressure you to apologise and "behave". You can't do that.

My thoughts are with you.

[mammo]

I completely disagree with the last post!  Your husband obviously has explained your illness to his family and is willing and capable of handling anything that may happen, which sounds to me like it's just that you're getting very tired.  It's important to not cut people out of your life while going thru this, you need to keep your life as normal as possible.  When it comes to loved ones and close family, it is only a very selfish person who would make this all about them.  The more you do this, the worse it will become, and then everything in your life will be about your illness, and nothing more, and you begin to waller in self pity.  Nobody knows what your family will hear, and the more you worry about it, the worse it will be.  I think if your husband didn't love you and actually wanted you to be with him, he could easily use your illness as an excuse for your absence.  For anyone to advise you to not worry about the most important people in your life is wrong.  It's is very therapeutic for you to have others, and other things to think about besides yourself and your illness.  It is common courtesy to send a card after attending a party to say "thank you" and because you feel bad for leaving early, this gives you the opportunity to just say you weren't feeling well.  It's not saying anything is your fault! I think the person in the last post has issues with this, don't allow yourself to become this way.  Your family is being very patient with you, and your daughter may not quite grasp all of it, but she will. It's not apologizing to anyone, it's proper etiquette!  You can't allow your illness to control your life like this and everyone around you, or it will consume you.  

[doctora]

I agree with you, and I sent the card 2 days ago.

I did mention that I recently had a change of medication and it seemed to make me tired, I didnt expand on it, but I know that when my daughter finds out that I sent the card she will be upset.

She is still young (22) and since she thinks she may end up marrying this boy, the impression her family portrays to his is very important to her, primarily because there are only 4 people alive in our family, and he has a family of 22.

I do worry though that sometimes I say things that are misunderstood, for example, that night I said to my daughter that one of his aunts was crazy...which I meant in the best way, she is outgoing, outspoken, fun for her age, but she took it as me saying she was crazy as in having a mental disorder.

With my bi-polar, I have to think before I speak, because way too often my words are misunderstood, on the other hand, I think she is being too sensitive, and that with her denial of my disease makes things worse.

I am trying not to let my disease control me, but I need to practice controlling my disease, and possibly my mouth..LOL

[mammo]

Good for you!  If your daughter gets upset because you sent the card, ask her "what do you want from me, I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't."  Ask if there is any pleasing her, that sending a card is proper etiquette and if she wants to impress this family, she better learn this!  Tell her that if she is going to analyze every little thing you say, then she will never be happy.  Also, if she has to work this hard just to impress his family, something is wrong.  He should love her regardless, and if it's her putting this pressure on you, the family and herself, she needs to stop!  Tell her for her to misunderstand everything you say when it comes to this boy's family, will only make you not want to visit their home, or be around them.  I have an adult daughter so I know how our relationships can be, but don't allow her to put a guilt trip on you with every little thing, she truly needs to back off.  Size of family doesn't matter, and she should be proud to show all of you off, not be so caught up in impressing people.  I think you are just being a mom.  You know you can't change her mind about this boy, and the more you try, the more determined she will be to marry him.  We made our mistakes at this age, and as difficult as it is to do, we have to allow them to do the same.  We just need to be there to support them when it all goes to ****.  I don't feel this has anything to do with your condition, it's a mother and daughter thing, and sometimes nothing we do is right in their eyes.  Tell her you feel she is in denial and ashamed of you, which only makes you very uncomfortable to be around this boy's family.  She needs to accept you and your illness, and understand that true love can withstand anything, even differences in families. She should not want or need any of her family to change for his family, love is being accepting, your daughter needs to know this.  Just because you are ill does not give people the right to walk on you.

[whodunnit]

Hello,

You seem to have misread my post.

I stated that the illness, depression, is extremely selfish as it does cause us to think about ourselves only all the time. Note! It is the illness that causes this, it is not a deliberate act.

If we, the sufferers, are required to pander to other people's paranoias as well we simply place ourselves in an inferior and impossible situation. That sort of thinking is a big part of why depression persists.

We cannot even control our own feelings and trying to please everyone else is impossible I'm afraid. Again, behaviour that promotes depression, not heals it.

Knock yourself out trying to do what everyone else demands of you and your own illness will swallow you whole. There is no point in keeping in close contact with anyone who does not understand your problem and makes no effort to do so. All they will do is attack and upset you for their own ignorant purposes.

By all means be polite and try to explain but when you get negative results you know where it's going and should cease. Sending cards apologising for being tired is something I just don't believe. Sorry. What next? A card apologising for having depression? It's the same thing. This is the sort of behaviour that encourages the stigma we all fight so hard and hate so much. I used to do that stuff too you know but decades of rejection and negative reactions told me to that I needed to do what my illness demanded and not apologise for it. Do people with cancer apologise for being tired too? No, they don't as people understand why they are tired, right? They don't with depression but that's no reason to apologise to them. Sorry we disagree on this.

[mammo]

I think you missed my point!  When anyone invites you to their home for a party, it is proper etiquette to send the hostess a card to thank them.  In doctora's case, she was not apologizing for being tired, just letting her host know that she didn't feel well and had to leave early, while thanking her at the same time.  It doesn't matter what your problem is, you should be polite.  You appear to take everything in a negative manner, a personal attack, when it's not meant that way at all!  If a person with cancer is invited to a party and has to leave due to feeling bad, she would still want to send a card to thank the person for inviting them, and if need be, explain NOT APOLOGIZE as to why she had to leave early.  People with cancer fight their disease, they don't waller in feeling helpless and resenting others.  I have suffered from very severe depression but I fought back, I thought of someone besides myself.  It sounds to me like you have allowed yourself to be consumed by your problem and resentful of others, a bitter person.  I don't want doctora to do this.  You did things your way, and look at you.  I did things my way and recovered.........

[mammo]

Your shouldn't have apologized to ME!  Could set yourself back and cause problems for others who read your last post regarding how important it is to not apologize, and then you go and do it....which is it?