What's next?

I have never considered suicide. I know first hand the effects on family and friends suicide has. There has been quite a few family members and friends close to me who have commited suicide. I don't feel I could ever do that to anyone who is close to me. BUT...... I am becoming concerned with the thoughts I get. I am so insecure and have such a low self esteem and self confidence and self worth that at times I hope to die on the way home from work or in an accident at work or something like that. I hope for an early death I wouldn't be able to control just so that the people around me wouldn't be burdoned with me. What concerns me is, is this eventually going to lead to the suicidal thoughts? Am I on the road to getting making it worse? I have a daughter I love and don't want to leave her without a daddy.

[ILADVOCATE]

Best to speak to a psychiatrist before these thoughts get out of hand and they can further advise you from there.

[lost_myself]

I am 40 just lost a relationship and was feeling almost exactly like you  are before my relation issues so i have got even worse I actually was afraid to be alone because of what i was feeling . I had to travel for work yesterday and i found a book at the airport..More like i was GUIDED to a book..Anyone who knows me will tell you...I DO NOT read for pleasure at all! But I felt compelled and bought it ..Im half way through and it is one of the most powerful books ( or anything ) i have ever experienced you should take a look at it maybe you too will find something too...Its called become a better you by Joel Olsteen..Hope I helped you..

[whodunnit]

Hi Andrew,

Your expressed love for your daughter at the end of your post is your strongest defence against any such thoughts my friend.

You say you know the effects of a suycidie on family and friends, even workmates and neighbours, I call it the Ripple effect. The longer time goes by the more people are affected by it. And I believe strongly it goes then from generation to generation, simply through environmental depression.

Use your love for your daughter to get well and start wanting to live, for her if you must but for yourself as well, and all that know you.

You know how much she wants you to be there for her, her whole life. You can be.

I had similar feelings and thoughts to you going back to age 10. I always thought somehow if things got touch I'd just die somehow. Well things got very touch about 6 times since age 10 and I never just passed away. Never, as much as I wanted it to happen it wouldn't. In fact I think I got stronger because of that rubbish. It's backward thinking but I was expert at it.

Eventually though I did get to a stage where I wanted to sucidie and I tried, twice. Bothe times I pulled out. My children were at the base of the reasons for that but the second time was so simple in the end. I was actually  happy when I discovered this one thing. It was that I wanted to live, regardless of what was ahead I wanted life. Simple wasn't it but I'd spent so much time hoping for the opposite as I was sad.

I've had a life of depression mate, now 58 and I've seen the depths and had good times for long periods in between. I have two families, both 2 children, had a career, travelled the world one and a bit times, seen every part of Australia, worked in every city in Australia and hade more fun than the average bear.

I've been everywhere until I found my home here, where I've now lived for com,ing up 10 years. I have a 15 year old daughter and my one ambition in life since she arrived was to be her full time Dad for all my life. The others I lost through divorce and chance. This one is my inspiration and I'll do anything to be there for her, anything.

I'm off track, talking about me. But there's a lot in there about you too really. What you need to do is decide what's wronmg and try to fis it. What you describe is certainly depression of a type and more info may reveal a full list of symptoms. It's a very nasty, devious illness, depression. It sneaks up on you for years and if you are not taking action it will rear up andf go BANG over your head and you won't have a clue what happened.

See a doc now and get on top of it while it's still growing. By the way those thoughts you have now? They are suicidal mate, just a passive form of it.

Think of your daughter and what you can be, you are still very young really. Believe me you don't want another 30 years of sliding downhill as I did. If there's a word I can say to kick you into action tell me what it is and consider it said, OK.

Best of luck and give your daughter a great big hug from us.