Depression Community
What's wrong with me?
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This patient support community is for discussions relating to depression, counseling, sleep problems, and nutrition.

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What's wrong with me?

Upfront information; Married, 7 years, 1 son, I will be 29 years old as of this month.  I am just barely affording to get by I have no money for doctors.

Problems?

I feel ashamed, alone, life has no meaning, tired, I stay up all night, sleep only 6 hours, I quit work, I am never content, I am angry, I am sad, I am defensive over everything, I now argue with my wife.  I just want to be left alone, because I can't handle society, or interaction, I can't handle crowds, I can't handle a work environment anymore.  I get so stressed out over the smallest things I break out in cold sweats and panic, get confused and forget where I am and whats going on.  I have anxiety attacks while driving, and I can no longer drive home to see my family. My life has become honestly... a living hell.

I have random thoughts everyday of shooting myself, I find no happiness in anything... I just want to move away from this life.  I am sorry if that sounds stupid, its just how I feel. I am so sick of myself, sick of everything around me.  The only thing making me keep a smile and push on is the ****ing guilt for leaving my kid behind fatherless.  I feel like some strange weight is on my back crushing all the wind out of me.  I really don't care anymore, I would like to just run away! I wanna get into my car and drive, drive, drive until I ran outta gas, and when I reach the end... I would just enjoy dying, a good bottle, my favorite song, in the middle of nowhere just me, my car and a gun.  

The End.

P.S I have always been a high and low type of person, but its becoming so serve I can't function anymore, I have become like a shell of my former life.  Fake smiles, and no one knows how my life is being ripped apart on the inside... the worst of all no one cares, and no they don't care, I have tried to talk to family, it ended badly.  I am on this forum because its starting to become controllable.
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Avatar_m_tn
becoming uncontrollable*
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Avatar_m_tn
I just want to start screaming and not stop until I pass out... Now I am not looking for a pat on the back.  I am not looking for a hug, no shoulders to cry on.  I am not going to say all those things that happened in my past.  Sure I had a horrible childhood, BUT now this is here and now.  I just want to know what to do to fix myself!! I have always found a way, this time no way around what I am going through, its literally killing.

I want this to end so I can be normal again, if there is a normal for me.  I feel all f'd up inside and I want some type of professional guidance.
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1110049_tn?1409405744
Hello, If you want professional guidance, what have you done about it?  Have you seen doctors or psychiatrist, psychologist?  Please try and help yourself.  Here we can listen, and sympathise, but we cannot do much more.  Have you been prescribed medication?

I have felt exactly as you do now, and I expect most of the people reading this have too.  You are not alone, although you feel it.  People do care.  How would your family feel if you took your life?  I know it is hard to make people understand depression if they have not felt it themselves.  It takes so many forms.  I always feel it should be called something different.  When people say they are "depressed" it is not the same at all.

Depression takes away everything, I know.  What can I say to you, how can I help.  How can people on this forum help?  It is good that you have posted here.  It helps to have a rant.  Yes life is rubbish when you have depression.  We all agree with that.
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Avatar_m_tn
What should I do?  Call up a psychiatrist clinic?  I am not sure who to call really or what to tell him.  I don't even visit the doctor when I am sick. I have no medical insurance, and making $2,000 a month, this kinda puts a with issue medical bills in a stand still.  I am really unsure what may condition may be or who to call for professional help.  I just got on the internet and googled up a forum to ask for help.

I have never researched anything, because I have avoided it for a long time.  What would my family and friends say if they knew I was a looney...  its pretty sad, actually I dunno if my friends could understand.   They would have to of course, but it would be a major change in my life if I start seeing a doctor over this, but then again my inner damage would be out in the open for EVERYTHING to look and talk about.
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1110049_tn?1409405744
Please don't call us looneys, we are ill.  I don't like to think you think people who have depression are looneys.  Not a nice label to give us.  A doctor is the person to see first, they are the people who will refer you on if you need it.  Don't you want to help yourself?  Don't put your head in the sand.  You can't help being depressed, it is not your fault.  You obviously need some help and guidance.  

I am not ashamed of being ill.  It is no different to having a heart problem or diabetes.  I tell people what is wrong.  I have found people very understanding.

Thousands of people have depression.    If we can't face it, what is there to do.  Hide away and pretend everything is normal?  Is that what you want?  
Do you think people will look down on you?  Please see a doctor, or if you feel you want to carry on the way you are, that is up to you.
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Avatar_m_tn
What you can do yourself. Follow these techniques, twice a day and let me know how you feel after 7 days. Do it with concentration ,with eyes closed.
You will find the mind relaxing, and you can get your life back. Your feedback will help others.

Build up your timing gradually.If you feel tired or dizzy, stop and resume after one minute.

Anulom Vilom pranayam –
Close your right nostril with thumb and deep breath-in through left nostril  
then – close left nostril with two fingers and breath-out through right nostril  
then -keeping the left nostril closed  deep breath-in through right nostril
then - close your right nostril with thumb and breath-out through left nostril.
This is one cycle of anulom vilom.
Repeat this cycle for 20 to 30  minutes twice a day.
Children under 15 years – do 5 to 10 minutes twice a day.
You can do this before breakfast/lunch/dinner or before bedtime or in bed.Remember to take deep long breaths into the lungs.You can do this while sitting on floor or chair or lying in bed.

Bhramri Pranayam -Close eyes. Close little flap of ears with thumb,place  index finger on forehead, and rest three fingers on base of nose touching eyes. Breathe in through nose. And now breathe out through nose while humming like a bee.
Repeat this  5 to 21 times.
April 18, 2012
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Avatar_f_tn
Many of us have been where you are....you're depressed.  Most often our depression arises from a traumatic event in our past that we have either forgotten about or have merely tucked it neatly away feeling we have dealt with it just fine.  Unfortunately when we haven't, it comes back and rears it's ugly head in the form of depression and/or anxiety.  With therapy and medication you can get your life back.  Google "mental health clinics" in your area for low cost health care. This depression has taken control of you and it won't go away on it's own. You can't help how you are feeling right now, but you have options to change this, and you need to make it a priority so that you can live a happy and productive life!  Don't feel like people will view you differently, in fact I'm sure some with come forth to tell you they've felt the same way and are on medication. If anyone doesn't care or understand don't worry about it...right now YOU are what matters and getting yourself into a better emotional state, which you can and must!  Those of us who had lousy childhoods do feel as if that's over and it's a new time...but too often our minds are full of unresolved issues that we as adults must deal with.  It sounds like you have been struggling with some things for awhile now with your ups and downs, and now it's all caught up with you.  Make an appt. with a psychiatrist (all doctors are now working with those who don't have healthcare) get an evaluation and he can refer you to the proper therapist.  Plus, psychiatrists are most knowledgeable when it comes to medication for your specific needs.  Until you see the doctor start journaling all of your feelings and emotions....even if you just toss them away.  This has been proven to be very therapeutic as it serves as a form of release for us.  Please know you're not alone, and you can get better.  We all need a little help at some point and that's okay!  Make YOU a priority to get help so that you can be the man, husband and father you know you want to be.  You owe this not only to yourself but to your wife and son.  I hope this helps and we're always here for you even if you just want to vent.  Talking to others who have been where you are can also help, because depression makes one feel so alone and you're not!  Decide to no longer be held hostage by your past...I know you can do this.
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Avatar_f_tn
Life is stressful. I think it's normal to feel all those things, but it wouldn't be normal to run away. A lot of people are depressed alone unhappy just like u. They keep going because they should. Maybe at some point in your life I'll be happy u made it through, maybe see it son grow up, when he can support himself, you'll be glad u made it.
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